The Tall Tales of Daphne Monroe

Monday 2nd February

11:15am

I take it back. The Man is not the craziest teacher here at St Becket's.

That award goes to Dr Kelly. He has the mad scientist look DOWN.

From the crazy hair to the jam jar glasses, all the way down to his mis-matched socks.

Dad would LOVE him.

11:20am

Apparently, he was in the War- who knows which one? -and he hasn't been the same since.

He and my Granddad Tony should get together, they'd have a right old hoot.

Oh, my God.

Théo just walked in.

I think I'm having a heart attack. Nurse, the screens!!

11:30am

What is he doing here? I didn't know he was in this class, I thought he was in the year above?

Eddie looks over at me, jiggling his head around like one of those bobble head dogs you see in the back of cars.

Stop that! Stop- you- stupid!

Great. My brain's popped back to the Maldives.

What does he want- is he really stupid enough to think I haven't seen Théo?

I keep my head down and stare at the piece of paper in front of me like my life depends on it.

11:35am

Oh, my God. We're studying the reproductive system.

I've been staring intently at a picture of a man's...trouser business for about five minutes without even realising.

Why doesn't God just brand a big ol' 'FREAK' sign on my forehead and be done with it?

11:45am

Eddie just slipped me this note:

What are you going to say to him? –E

I don't know. 'Sorry I messed up your face?' -D

Smooth.

Alright, smartarse. You got any better ideas?

Anything but that.

Thanks for your help. Not.

Maybe don't mention it at all? It's not like he needs a reminder.

No, I guess he can look in a mirror if he does.

Funny, Monroe.

I try. You reckon his bodyguard is ex-military?

Why, worried a hit's out on you for punching HRH?

Maybe he's an ex-assassin.

You are the worst friend ever.

Thank you.

12:15pm

So now all I can think about is getting shot in the back whilst eating my lunch.

Just- BANG! And suddenly it's Soup du jour a la Brains.

Eddie really is the worst.

4:00pm

I'm just coming out of the cloakroom after History class when a huge shadow falls over me.

All I can think is 'this is it. This is how I die.'

Looking up, I see six feet seven inches of pure nightmare.

Until he steps aside and suddenly it's a dream.

'Daphne.'

MAKE. A. NOISE. And preferably not one that sounds like any barnyard animal.

'hnnuff...'

Christ alive. TRY AGAIN.

'I'm sorry about your eye.'

WHY DID I SAY THAT?

What did Eddie and I agree? Don't mention the eye...don't mention the eye! I am so useless!

Miraculously, Théo laughs. Laughing is good. Laughing doesn't suggest he's about to have me murdered.

'Don't worry about it. I like to think it gives me a rougher look. You know, like I'm a little bit dangerous.'

I can't help but look next to him where his ex-military assassin- probably a secret lab experiment- bodyguard is standing.

Yeah, sure it does Prince Dreamboat. Whatever you say, you loon.

'It seems more believable when Gerard isn't right behind me.'

'Sure.'

'Anyway, Eddie said you had been beating yourself up about it, and I didn't want that. It's bad enough you beat me up.'

Eddie is now dead to me.

'So, no hard feelings, OK?'

He's still talking. Pay attention, Daphne, for the love of all that is holy!

'I really am sorry.'

'You slipped. It happens to the best of us. From what I hear, you're quite a pro.'

Oh, he's trying to be all cute. It's bloody working too.

'Anyway, I'll see you around.'

And just like that, he was gone. His six-foot-seven shadow following after him, gun and all.

11:00pm

What does 'see you around' mean?

Oh no. It's begun.

11:45pm

Maybe he meant see you around school, you know, like one student to another? Casually, like pals.

Ergh. I don't like that thought at all.

12:15am

Or maybe it was like 'hey, see you around you sexy thing, then let's get together and show my parents I'm not a piece of meat they can betroth to Princess Sofia Long-Legs-A-Lot of Italy. I don't care how many languages she speaks; we only need one. The language of love.'

12:22am

Yep. That's probably what he meant.

Seems far more likely if you ask me.