The Tall Tales of Daphne Monroe

Monday 30th March

7:30am

My life is over.

I wonder how many days are going to start with that EXACT same thought?

But really- my life is over.

I can't go out with Théo on Saturday. I'm too upset to even think right now.

I can't even function, there's no way Dad can expect me to go to school after dropping a bombshell like that.

8:45am

He made me go to school.

Apparently, a broken heart is not an ailment.

9:00am

But that's OK, he will suffer for it eventually because life always comes around to bite you in the arse. I should know- I've had more than my share of experiences.

I don't understand it; I'm such a good person and all.

Maybe I should pray more?

But that involves going to Church, and who has the time? I mean, really?

10:00am

Dad needs me to babysit Billy, and more importantly Granddad Tony, on Saturday night because he is going out.

I would have kicked up a fuss but by the look on his face I think it might be his first date since Mum died, and I can't do that to him.

Well, as long as it isn't Melanie, I Insist, then I'll be fine. Ish.

But the long and small of it all is that I cannot go out on my very first date EVER, let alone go on one with Prince Dreamboat.

Instead I'm sat babysitting two people who are both incontinent.

All because I am a nice person.

11:00am

I have to tell Théo that I can't go.

Oh, God. I don't want to have to do that, it's too mean.

I don't want to break his heart. OK, that's a bit strong, if anything he'll be mildly upset, but still. I'd like to think I have that effect.

I must have been moping around all morning because even Eddie's caught on that something's not right with me.

'What's going on? You've got a face like my dog after the vet,' he says during morning break, making snipping motions with his hand.

It takes me a moment to understand and then when I do I can feel my cheesy snacks threatening to resurface. Gross.

'I can't go on my date with Théo,' I confide, making Eddie stop in his tracks.

'What? Why not?'

'My dad needs me to babysit Billy.'

'Translation; your mad old granddad needs to be looked after Saturday night.'

'Bingo.' I slump in my seat, depressed.

'I'm sorry, Scooby, that sucks,' Eddie says in a surprisingly comforting tone, 'but you can always reschedule.'

'Right, sure,' I say sarcastically, 'I'll just tell Prince Dreamboat to fit his timetable around mine. That makes sense, because obviously I'm the one who's got a busy schedule.'