Of Parchment and Saltwater

Chapter 6

The next few months were some of the longest of my life, full of the terrifying reality that Benjamin was gone for good, and the even more chilling thought that I was getting used to the pain of his absence.
     Every day that passed was a reminder of my sorrow as I put on a black mourning gown and made breakfast for a family that wasn't my own. Benjamin Tallmadge was dead and there was nothing I could do but keep him in my thoughts, lest the image of his face slip from my memories.
     As fiercely as the outspoken ladies of Litchfield society advocated for my remarrying, I found myself ill at the mere thought of inviting another man into my arms. I just couldn't let go of Benjamin yet.
Every Thursday evening, Mary and I would go to the market together, talk about the week, and socialize with whoever we happened to come upon. Many people wouldn't even speak to me if Mary was with me, or if they did, they'd refer to her as my slave which made me furious inside. But she implored me over and over again not to ruin friendships over her; she could take it.
     "Mrs. Tallmadge," I heard someone call behind me as I tended to the flowers in my garden, "have you a moment?"
     Flustered, I stood upright and adjusted my taffeta bonnet to find Mrs. Sally Reeve approaching leisurely. She was the single most prominent woman in Litchfield, her husband being Tappan Reeve—the owner of the very first school of law in all of the States.
     After mentioning their family in a letter to Mr. Hamilton one day, he wrote back to inform me that Aaron Burr was Mrs. Reeve's brother and planned on spending time with the family here in Litchfield soon.
     Mr. Hamilton had told me many things about Burr's character, although I wasn't sure how much of it was his own passionate opinion.
     "Mrs. Reeve!" I cried, "I apologize for my appearance; I was not expecting you. What brings you all the way out here to North Street?"
     She smiled graciously and touched the flowers I had in my basket. "I was wondering if you'd like to join me tomorrow at my home. I'm going to have a few ladies over for embroidery and socializing and I'd love it if you would join us."
After a moment's pause, she added, "I understand if you declined though, Mrs. Tallmadge. We both know how outspoken they can be at many times, to the detriment of everyone around them. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
     I laughed. "Thank you very much, Mrs. Reeve, I believe I will join you. As for the other women, do not worry about me; there isn't much that can make me uncomfortable anymore. It will be good to have something to do tomorrow...thank you so much for your kindness."
"Wonderful!" She cried, taking my hands, "I will expect you at noon, yes?" I nodded as she continued her walk down the street, leaving me beaming in the middle of the garden.
     After almost two years of living here, I had made few friends here simply because people were skeptical of my past as a camp follower and now my status as a widow. Nobody wanted to befriend a traumatized, grieving woman who had probably spent too much time in the arms of attention-starved soldiers.
    But for the ones that did care to reach out to me, I savored their company as if I needed it to survive. If Benjamin were there to see me, he'd laugh at my desperation for their friendship.
     I went to bed that night eager and excited, but woke up with a nervous pit in my stomach. The society of Litchfield was just as unreserved and elitist as Mrs. Reeve described, and I knew it. If they said something, I wasn't confident in my ability to endure it silently.
     "Lucy," Lydia exclaimed as I walked downstairs with a basket full of needles and muslin fabrics in my hand, "are you going to the market?"
     I shook my head and kissed her forehead. "I'm going to visit some friends. I'll be back for dinner, I'm sure."
     She pointed to the needlework in the basket and mused, "Are you making a sampler? The lady my mama used to work for made those."
     "Did she? Would you like me to teach you sometime?"
     "Oh yes, Lucy, I would like that very much!"
After giving me an eager hug, she skipped upstairs, running her hand along the railing.
     "Thank you for entertaining her so, Louisa," Mary said from behind me, brushing a piece of slowly growing hair from my face, "I'm forever indebted to you. For everything. Have a good time and be slow to anger, alright? I don't want you embarrassing yourself in front of the whole town."
     I laughed. "Shall I mention any controversial topics...just to get a rise out of them?"
     With a playful shove, she opened the door and helped me onto Benjamin's horse. "Are you sure you don't want to take the carriage?" She asked as I adjusted myself in the saddle.
     "I'm sure. Besides, old Highlander and I haven't been on a ride together in a few months," I said, patting the dapple-grey lovingly.
The ride to the Reeve home was short and brisk, with spring barely creeping out of the harsh winter.  
     "Ah, Mrs. Tallmadge!" Mrs. Reeve called from the veranda with an older woman beside her, "Do come in!"
     I thanked her and found myself seated in the grand parlor with about eight other ladies, all surprised to see me there, as it was unusual to find me at their events. It wasn't that I didn't like them, but that I couldn't bear the reminders of what I had lost and the frivolity of their conversations.
They were kind and polite in their talk, and even complimented my cross-stitch a few times, but there was certainly an unmistakable sense of differentness between me and them. I despised myself for it.
    "Miss Sheldon," one of the ladies said, "have you heard from your dear father? Any news of this war or his personal health?"
     "He is well," the woman replied, "but the final treaty seems to be no further along than the last time we were all together."
     "I am sorry to interrupt, but is your father's name Colonel Elisha Sheldon, by any chance?" I asked, hoping it wasn't rude for me to ask such a thing.
     "Why yes," she replied brightly, "do you know him, Mrs. Tallmadge?" I nodded.
     "My late husband used to work under him in his Light Dragoon regiment, and I was a doctor for the company. He is a wonderful man and I'm very pleased to know him."
     She smiled and a younger, unmarried woman cried, "Have you ever been wounded?"
     Stunned, I looked around at the other ladies who were uncomfortable with the young lady's frankness but seemingly curious as well. Perhaps they were not as sensitive as I first imagined.
     "I...I have," I stuttered, "but I'm sure not everyone here wants to know about the details."
     Nobody said anything, and the girl's friend raised her eyebrows as if waiting for me to dive into a story.      
      "Just tell us a few things," Miss Sheldon said sheepishly, and Mrs. Reeve nodded with a smile, "If you feel comfortable."
"Well, if you all truly want to know, I was shot off my horse and captured in Brooklyn. Sentenced to death but, of course, that did not happen, and I was shot again in the arm during my escape. I also suffered a small bayonet wound on my shoulder in Yorktown, Virginia...but it is of little importance."
Awed murmurs met my statement and the girl exclaimed, "Three times! Mrs. Jameson, that's as many times as you've been married!" The women laughed and one lady, certainly her mother, scolded the girl in a hushed tone.
     "How long until you sell your house, Mrs. Tallmadge? You can't have the money for such a beautiful home forever," one woman said, causing me to tense. Mrs. Reeve gave me an apologetic glance.
     "Oh, yes," someone else piped up, "I was just telling my husband that I would love to buy it from you when you decide to sell."
     "At the moment," I replied confidently, "we are doing just fine; my husband had plenty of money saved up for us. I just can't sell that house yet."
     "I have the perfect solution," someone else piped up eagerly, "I have some friends in Philadelphia and they'd be happy to let you board with them, I'm sure. And they are always looking for nurses' assistants at the hospital there."
The thought repulsed me. Nurses' assistants were paid terribly and treated even worse. Their only job was to change bedsheets and carry the dead somewhere to be disposed of. I simply couldn't do such a thing. And to imagine boarding with someone in the slums of Philadelphia was even worse.
"Perhaps one day," I lied, hoping to make them bored of the conversation.
"How long has it been since your husband was captured?"
"About seven months."
Sighs of pity and sympathy echoed throughout the room but the talk slowly shifted from me to the sermon given at church last Sunday, to my relief.
     Keeping to myself for the most part, I was content to listen in silence and embroider a small pocket for Lydia.
There was a faint knock at the door and one of the women jumped, tying to draw attention to herself with much success. "Good heavens," she exclaimed, "that startled me tremendously!" It was pitifully comical.
Mrs. Reeve nodded for her slave to answer the door and said, "If it is Abigail Lynde, do invite her to join us!"
The young woman who had questioned me earlier sprang into a long-winded speech about her older sister and I settled back into my chair with a small smile on my face. These ladies were certainly entertaining, if nothing else. But I couldn't help but miss the company of the soldiers I was used to.
The conversation suddenly turned quiet and I looked up in confusion.
     "Louisa."
     At the sound of his voice behind me, I leapt from the chair and fell into his weak arms as if in a dream.
     "Benjamin," I wept in a voice barely above a whisper, holding up his starving body with shaking arms, "I thought-"
     "Shh, I thought so too, dear Louisa." There was a quiet murmur of shock and delight from where the ladies were still seated but I barely heard them. My husband was here.
     "You have a fever."
     "I know."
"You're here."
"Yes."
     Mrs. Reeve stood up and said, "You two must go home immediately; you can use my brother Aaron's carriage. He is finishing up his studies with my husband now and I'm sure he won't mind."
"Thank you, Mrs. Reeve," I said in shock, letting Benjamin lean heavily on me as we slowly made our way outside and to the carriage. I was overwhelmed and confused.
She gave firm instructions to the driver as we climbed inside and he was off immediately. I took Ben's gaunt, bearded face in my hands and breathed, "You have a lot of explaining to do, Major Tallmadge. I love you."
He kissed me weakly and tried to speak but erupted into a coughing fit, pain in his eyes.
"It's going to be alright, love," I told him with tears of joy and sorrow streaming down my face, "Just stay awake until I can feed you. We're almost home."
Upon arriving outside our house, I dragged Benjamin inside and called for Mary.
"Ah, Louisa, I wanted to talk to you about-" She froze at the sight of Benjamin and screamed out of instinct. He laughed faintly and I said, "Could you make him something to eat? I'm going to go draw water for a bath."
"There is no need," she said with a smile, coming to the other side of Benjamin and helping me take him up the steps, "I already drew a bath for you earlier. It's waiting upstairs; I'll have food ready in a few minutes."
     I couldn't stop the tears of gratitude from falling. "Thank you, Mary. I don't know how to thank you enough. You don't know how much-"
     She waved a hand dismissively on her way out of the room, grinning ear to ear. I looked at Benjamin's weary eyes, alight with the sight of the cold bath. Nothing could have made me happier.
     I unbuttoned his tattered, dirt-ridden breeches and slid his shirt off before helping him into the wooden tub.
      "When was the last time you had anything to eat or drink, Ben?"
     "About five days ago, I believe," he moaned, rubbing a deep purple bruise on his chest, undoubtedly caused by the scurvy, "but I did steal an apple on my way to Connecticut that made me feel a little better."
     I wrung out an old rag and rubbed it into his tangled hair. "I just can't believe you're alive. You're alive. You're here. Did they release you?"
He shook his head and scoffed. "Whatever illnesses I seem to have-"
"Scurvy," I clarified.
"Whatever it is, it made me weaker and sicker. I couldn't even stand. The prisoners in my cell took advantage of that," he grimaced as I scrubbed the dirt from his chest, "stealing my food and water every day. A few days ago, I got so sick that one of the guards thought I was dead, so they threw me overboard."
I gasped.
"Thankfully, we had just left the port from our monthly stop for provisions so it was less of a journey to shore. It was God's mercy that gave me the strength to swim like that, Louisa. I should have died."
     It was that moment when I saw his hands. Blood caked under his nails with callouses and cuts laced between terrifying bruises. His arms were covered in tiny sores and even more menacing bruises.
And his mouth. Swollen, bleeding gums and cracked, dehydrated lips surrounded by his unkempt beard. I leaned over the edge of the bathtub and sobbed into his arms, crying, "Benjamin, I'm so sorry. I should have done something more for you. I shouldn't have ever left that ship when I had the chance. Now you'll never be the same because of it. I'm so—so sorry."
He held my face in his dripping wet hands and gave me a weak smile. "Remember what I told you that terrible day in Yorktown? Don't ever think that this is your fault. And that applies here more than ever." He grimaced in pain as I ran the rag over his scurvy-ravaged legs.
"You're going to get better," I told him resolutely, "I will make sure of that. I've read every medical journal on scurvy that exists and have even written to a man named James Lind. That was only a few weeks ago so I have not yet received a response but I believe he will have some advice applicable now more than ever. But first, you must eat."
"You are even more beautiful than I remember, dear Louisa. Could you truly be my wife forever?"
I smiled. "If you'll allow it, Major."
He pulled me to him and kissed me passionately, although he was barely able to keep his eyes open. He was home, and I was home in his arms.

THANKS FOR READING GUYS UR AMAZING ALSO YOURE WELCOME FOR BRINGING BENJI BACK I MISSED HIM TOO HEHE but that definitely won't be the saddest thing that happens to them mwaha
LOVE YALL