Of Parchment and Saltwater

Chapter 20

   "Benjamin!" I cried from the porch as he appeared on the road, wind whipping my hair around, "You're late!"
He smiled at the sight of me and jumped off his horse, adjusting the satchel around his torso and giving me a strong embrace.
Ben had spent the last two weeks in New York with Washington, Hamilton, and Thomas Jefferson, discussing the Capitol city and Lafayette's imprisonment. According to his correspondence, things had not gone well concerning either subject.
"I've missed you," he said excitedly as I helped him take his saddlebags inside.
     "You do not even know how much I've missed you, Benjamin Tallmadge," I groaned with a laugh, "Samuel has all but driven me mad night and day. I love him desperately but he's simply exhausting."
     He grinned and picked up his seven-month old son from the parlor floor, who was attempting to crawl but not getting too far.
     Giving him a big kiss on his cheek, Ben spun Samuel around the room in his arms, making him laugh hysterically.
     "You ought to have some alone time tonight, darling," he said, "I'll take care of Sammy-boy if you'd like."
     "That would be wonderful...would you really? I'd love to take a turn around the garden by myself. I won't be long, I promise."
He ran a hand through my blonde hair and smiled softly. "Take all the time you need. But you should probably wear a hat; we don't need the neighbors seeing your hair down, hmm?"
Samuel squirmed out of Benjamin's arms and tried to stand on his own, holding Ben's fingers tightly above him. "Don't worry," I replied with a laugh as I headed upstairs, "they already think I'm scandalous."
With my straw hat pinned to my head and shoes on, I kissed Benjamin's forehead and whispered, "I'm sorry for not spending time with you...I really do want to hear about your trip. Do you-"
"Shh," he interrupted graciously, "You need a break; I can tell. There will be plenty of time for that later."
As I was about to open the door, there was a knock on the other side and I opened it in surprise. A young courier stood there, holding a sealed letter in his hands.
"Mrs. Tallmadge?"
"Yes, that's me."
"A letter from Dr. Benjamin Rush of Philadelphia. Good day to you both."
He bowed to both of us and left hurriedly, leaving Benjamin and I in the doorway with the letter.
Dearest friend, Louisa Tallmadge,
I hope you are well, and that this letter finds you and your husband in good spirits. I am most assured by now that you have heard murmurings of a bilious yellow fever plaguing the fine capitol city of Philadelphia, where I am currently residing. This sickness has proved mortal and highly contagious, and more and more cases are being reported every day. Your experience and maturity in the medical field is well known by all the physicians here, dear Louisa, and I feel compelled to request your help. If you are willing and your husband will allow it, it would be a great help to every citizen of Philadelphia if you would serve as doctor and nurse here. I understand how much sacrifice this would require on your entire family's behalf and understand is this is too much to ask. I hope to hear from you soon, and pray for your wellbeing.
Adieu,
Dr. Benjamin Rush

I didn't know what to say, and it was quite obvious that Ben didn't either. How could I abandon my family to fight of this mysterious, fatal fever? But how could I sit here at home and do nothing either?
"Certainly not, Louisa," Benjamin said quickly, tripping over his words, "He's gone mad, thinking that you'd go all the way to Philadelphia just to catch this fever and die. You should write him immediately and tell him no."
I bit my lip. "They could use my help, Ben. Perhaps I could just go for a few weeks, you know? Help get-"
"Louisa, stop!" He exclaimed, as his accent became thicker and more pronounced, "Do you hear what you're saying? You're not going."
He stormed into the parlor and I followed, holding Samuel on my hip. "Darling, I could do so much good there! I could stay with Alexander and Eliza-"
"They've probably already left the city, Louisa. Nobody in their right mind would stay. This isn't an option for you; I just can't believe Dr. Rush would even ask such a thing!"
I closed my eyes and tried to be patient. "And what if that was me, Ben? What if I was the one dying and nobody was willing to risk themselves to help me?"
He stepped forward until he was inches from my face and looked at me incredulously. "That's what's going to happen to you if you go! Why won't you understand what I'm saying? I don't care about-"
"Ben!" I cried out, "I have to help these people! If you would just listen-"
"This is it, Louisa! Stop arguing." He was serious. I'd never heard him raise his voice like that towards me before.
Trying to keep myself from sobbing, I walked away silently and sat down on the kitchen floor, Samuel on my lap. The impressionable little boy began crying at the sight of my tears, and I put my head against the wall in despair. I was so frustrated.
Benjamin's footsteps echoed upstairs and I could faintly hear him stomping around in our room. Dr. Rush's letter was still in my hand and I read it over again. I'd heard of this yellow fever and it's epidemic down in the island of Saint Domingue, but in Philadelphia? The city hadn't seen such a thing since 1762.
Dr. Rush and I had been good friends for a long time, and he truly respected my abilities as a doctor both on the battlefield and in the infirmary.
     I simply couldn't shake the harsh way Ben had spoken to me. We fought constantly but had always considered it a blessing; our marriage was something to fight for. It was better than being forced to bend to his will every time, I reasoned, and I was thankful that he considered me an equal opponent to argue with. But this.
Hidden within my very being was an insatiable urge for people to like me, and it corresponded with my burning empathy and desire to help people in any way I possibly could. I had just the right personality to make me utterly desperate to go to Philadelphia. It also made Benjamin's harsh words sting even more.
He, however, cared so little about what other people thought of him. He was always trying to provide for those he loved and cared about and found himself desperate to keep them out of harms way, no matter the cost to himself or his reputation. Our two personalities were the perfect storm.
     That night, as I was putting away my stays and petticoats, Benjamin came in silently and began undressing for bed on the other side of the room.
      The August night was warm but I was tempted to start a fire in the fireplace just to occupy myself for a little while longer so I wouldn't have to face him.
     I laid in bed facing away from him, gripping my pillow tightly. I heard the sound of thin pages turning and Benjamin read behind me, "'Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and give no opportunity to the devil.' Ephesians 4:26, Louisa."
     "But what if I still want to be angry at you?"
     "I probably deserve it."
     He came around to the other side of the bed and knelt beside me quietly. "I shouldn't have been so harsh; I'm sorry. I'm scared, Lou. The thought of you with the yellow fever terrifies me."
     My face softened a little. He knew I was tired of fighting and being alone...we both were.
     "I could save so many lives, Benjamin," I said gently, "and I promise that I won't put myself in more danger than necessary. The regular fever season only has a month more to go, in any case, so I can't imagine being gone longer than that."  
     "I don't want you to leave me. I can't live without you here."
"You won't have to, love!" I exclaimed, sitting up and resting my head against his bare chest, "I'll be back in no time! I just...I just can't let all those people die. It goes against everything I've ever worked for, Benjamin. Dr. Rush won't put me in harms way."
He fiddled with a loose thread in his breeches and sighed. "You're going to go, aren't you?"
"I won't disobey you. But yes, if you will allow me, I will go. Perhaps the situation is contained enough that I could even bring Samuel, and let you focus on your work here while we're gone."
"Certainly not," he said, "Samuel can stay here. I'm sure they won't mind him at the post office or the bank; everyone loves him."
I pursed my lips and slipped my hands into his with a deep breath. "This is irresponsible, isn't it? The town is going to think I've gone mad, leaving my son with my husband and running off to Philadelphia."
"If you're worried about me, Louisa, I'll be fine. If it's your reputation, I understand what you're saying. Maybe William and his family could take him in for a few weeks and nobody would even have to know that you were gone. Or-"
"Benjamin," I interrupted, "I need your approval. Tell me what I'm doing is right and that I shouldn't be worried. Tell me that you've got it all worked out and I'm doing the right thing."
He chuckled. "Just ten minutes ago you were ready to string me up at the gallows if I said another word to you! But truly, Louise, I trust your judgement. If you want to go to Philadelphia, I think you should. Don't worry about Sammy-boy and I. Just come back to us...I beg you."
I laid back down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling silently.
"You're so much braver than I am," he whispered, "and it's going to be the death of me, you know that? How can I keep up with someone as exquisitely beautiful and unspeakably courageous as you?"
I laughed. "You don't give yourself enough credit, dear. Major Tallmadge of the 2nd Light Dragoons, Washington's Head of Intelligence, father, husband, postmaster, president of Phoenix bank, future member of the House of Representatives, Yale graduate, fluent in four languages, survivor of three bullet wounds, a duel, a prison ship, and two shattered legs, and dashingly handsome. But none of that matters more than the fact that you are truly the kindest man I've ever met. I love you."
Benjamin leaned down and kissed me gently, a tears brimming in his eyes. "But what if you don't come back? What will I do then?"
"Shhh," I whispered, "I will. I promise."

The next morning, I packed my things and Benjamin prepared my horse for the six-day journey. He insisted that I take the carriage, but it would add a whole week to the trip and I simply couldn't afford to wait that long or pay for a driver for a whole two weeks.
     "Have you enough money for food?" He asked me as I packed a saddlebag full of the least expensive dresses I owned with Samuel in my arms. I nodded softly and smiled.
     "And medicines?"
     "Yes, Benjamin, I do. Anything else you've got for me?"
     He smirked and pulled me into a kiss, slipping more money into my embroidered pocket. "With all my worldly goods, I thee endow," he recited from his wedding vow to me.
     Samuel reached for Benjamin's tousled hair and made an excited sound, sticking out his tongue. I sighed as Ben carried my full saddlebags downstairs and I followed, wishing that I would have never received that letter from Dr. Rush.
     Standing beside my horse, I handed Samuel over and looked at Benjamin with resignation in my eyes.
     "I'm not going to die."
     "I know."
     "Good," I breathed as tears dripped down my face, "I love you, Ben."