A Little Bit Of Joy | ✔

Chapter Eighteen : The Boy Who Wasn't Loved

For the next two days, I was curled in a ball on my bed and staring at the bleak wall. Eliza wasn't supposed to die. She was supposed to live a long life, open her own makeup line, participate in local beauty pageants, get married to a businessman and raise one celebrity kid. These were her plans for the future and now she wasn't here to fulfil them.

She had hidden the statistics of her operation, only four out of ten walked out of the doors alive and she wasn't one of them. She fucking wasn't.

I vaguely remembered that the last time I felt this much agony was during the first year of my battle with cancer. The chemotherapy used to burn my body and I was beyond tired. In the beginning, it was scary. The fear made my affliction feel ten times worse, but at least then, I didn't lose anyone. I came to learn that the pain of losing someone close was the worst.

The tears rolling down my cheeks aimlessly had dried and I knew that I had to pull myself together. A part of me was blaming myself for her death. I encouraged her to go for the operation, didn't I? If only she hadn't gone for it, she would still be alive, even if it was for not long. She would have been given other options for treatment or a particular number of months for her to live. She would have got a shot to at least live more.

Tell me Liz, did I unknowingly kill you?

"Joy," I heard my mum's cautious voice while the door flung open and I sat up. She had a tray of food in her hand and she placed it on the table. I could see the concerned look on her face. "There's beans and rice, some salted chips and medicines. I'm sorry I couldn't cook anything nice because of work. If you don't want this then you can order--- "

"No, beans and rice are good," I cut her off and tried my best to force a smile. She always cooked delicious food to awaken my taste buds which had long died because of the bitter medicines I took. "I'm fine maa, you can go and work."

"I'm always there if you want to talk, okay?" The perturbed look on her face didn't vanish even when I nodded. "Also, call Eliza's sister, she wanted to talk to you."

"Did you tell her about me?" I asked and her lips pursed into a thin line. "Maa, why did you do that? I'm alright."

"Just talk to her please," she pleaded and with that, left the room. Katherine, Eliza's sister might have asked because, after Eliza's death, they hadn't heard from me. I was a close friend of Eliza, at least I used to be when I attended the support group sessions. I wanted to offer my most sincere condolences, but at the same time, I was mourning for Eliza. I couldn't meet them in my crying state- I wanted to appear strong.

I decided to call Katherine anyway. "Hello?"

"JJ? I'm so glad you called," her voice was hoarse and I knew that she had been crying too.

"I-I'm sorry about Eliza . . . I-I . . . " I couldn't find the right words as I swallowed the lump formed in my throat. "I hope you and your family are alright."

"Yeah, we're fine. I mean Liz's in a better place so we're fine," her voice continued to shake like a leaf caught in a storm. "She wanted to do the operation so we let her. She said that she just wanted to 'go for it and that there's still some fight left in her.' Looking back, I think a part of me knew that she was lying. She didn't have much hope for her. A part of me saw the defeat in her eyes as I constantly asked her if she was sure . . . But she never wavered . . . "

I would go for it because there's still some fight left in me- those were my words. If only I had known about the statistics of the operation and if I hadn't said those words, maybe she would be alive. Tell me Liz, did I unknowingly kill you?