Strangely Comforting (boyxboy)

Chapter 18

I stilled. "Your house? Why? Why can't we just-"

"My god, Jasper," he cut in. "I don't feel comfortable talking with you about this in the fucking library."

"Oh," I said. 

Xander unlocked the doors to his car and slid in the driver's side. "Get in."

I went around to the passenger side and slid in next to him before he pulled out of the parking lot.

"It isn't one thing alone," he finally spoke up. "After a while, things just kept piling up and piling up until I couldn't take it anymore. I thought life would be so much easier if I was dead. But there's no easy way to die. So every time I pick up the damn knife, it doesn't cut deep enough. I'm too scared."

I had no idea what to say. And I didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"Xander, of course there's no easy way to die. But you're not a coward. There's probably something that you're holding on to at that moment where the knife just doesn't cut deep enough. And that's why you should keep on living. So the next time you go to pick up that knife, pick up your phone instead, and call me."

Xander didn't say anything and remained silent, causing me to worry if I had said something wrong. But he just kept on driving and neither of us said a word until he reached his house. He parked his car, sighing deeply before getting out. I was surprised to see his house was in the same neighborhood as Hayden's.

I slowly followed him out of his car and into his house. It was a small home, and when we first walked in, I noticed pictures lining the walls in every direction. School portraits of Xander and Paisley throughout the years, sports events of the two of them, and of course, photos with friends.

He led me inside his house and I noticed his aunt was in the kitchen, but he quickly traveled to the very back of the house, stepping into a room which I figured to be his own. He closed the door after I stepped in and went over to sit on his bed. I awkwardly stood in the doorway.

"Come sit," he said and patted next to him on his bed. Honestly, I was nervous. I knew Xander was about to tell me things that I probably wouldn't know how to respond to and it was hard to believe that he was going through these things.

Even so, I listened to what he said and went over to sit next to him on the bed.

"Where do I even start?" he said.

"You really don't need to tell me if you don't want to. I don't want to pressure you," I told him.

"It's fine," he said. "I'd rather someone else know so I don't end up doing anything."

So he was relying on me to stop him.

"Okay, here goes," he said. "So you'd think that my parents abandoning me is what set me off, huh?" Xander asked. "But it wasn't that. I fell into a deep, dark pit of depression around two years ago. The thing is, I was having the time of my life back then. But one day changed everything."

His eyes suddenly changed, and it was the first time I could read his emotions. They looked at me with sadness. So without thinking, my hand instinctively reached out as my fingers entangled themselves with Xander's. He looked down at our hands before he continued.

"Do you remember Vivi West?" he asked.

I suddenly remembered where I heard the name before and couldn't imagine why Xander was talking about her.

"Yeah," I said, solemnly.

"So you heard the stories? How her life was taken away too soon?" he asked.

I looked down. Vivi West committed suicide two years ago and shocked the entire town, for she was always so lively and cheerful. I remembered she was on the cheerleading squad and always did a bunch of volunteer work. She had a boyfriend at the time, but I couldn't remember who it was. I remember thinking about how her family must feel and how he must've been feeling.

"I couldn't save her."

I brought my eyes back up to meet his.

"I had no idea she had been struggling the whole time we were dating," he said. "I failed to pick up signs that she was having such a hard time until it was too late. When she passed, my entire world shattered. She was my first real love. I loved her more than anyone could've imagined. So when I found out that she was gone, the only thing I could think was that I wanted to be with her. My days became unbearable without her and I sunk further and further into a state of depression. And that's when I resorted to cutting myself."

Anyone looking at Xander Peyton would never know what pain he had gone through because he was so skillful at hiding it. That alone, made me feel so sorry for him. It must've been hard to cover up something so painful every day.

"Xander," I said. "You can't blame yourself for Vivi's death. You loved her unconditionally the entire time you were with her and I'm sure you were a great boyfriend. But you need to keep on living. You're honestly the strongest person I know. With such a traumatic past, you haven't given up. And now that I know everything you've gone through and everything you're going through, you'd be out of your mind to think I wasn't going to be here for you. Oh, and another thing. I remember you told me that when it seems as if the entire world is against me, at least one person isn't. Well, the same goes for you. I'll be that person."

Xander looked up at me, and for the first time, I saw tears in his eyes. He blinked as one tear slowly rolled down his cheek and that was enough for me. I leaned forward on his bed, reaching my arm around his back, before pulling him into me and wrapping him in a hug. He tucked his head into my neck as his arms wrapped around my back, sending warmth through my entire body. I rubbed his back as he cried into my shirt and I felt his hands clenching on to my back.

"I've got you, Xander," I told him. "Just don't forget that."

We stayed wrapped in each other's arms for a few more minutes until we both suddenly heard a high-pitched cry. Xander immediately released me and wiped his eyes.

"Damn it," he said before he quickly stood up from the bed and left the room. I was bewildered.

For one, I couldn't believe that Xander had been wrapped in my arms up until a few seconds ago, but also that there was a strange cry coming from the bedroom next door to Xander's.

My eyes widened as Xander walked back into his room, holding a girl who looked to be around two years old. Her face was red and puffy as it was evident she had just been crying. He ran his hands through her blonde hair as he had done with Professor Michaels' son, Lenny.

"I didn't know you had another sister," I said, looking at the two of them. Xander raised his eyes to look at me before he replied.

"She's my daughter."

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