Acatalepsy; auston matthews

• twelve •

-
Jessica flipped on the lights in her apartment and placed her purse on a side table right at the entrance of her apartment. She closed her eyes and took in a shaky breath. She messed up, and she knew it. She took in a sharper breath and pulled of her shoes, collecting herself as best she could.

The knock on her door scared her since she was so focused on herself. Peering through the peephole she noticed a familiar mop of hair, but the persons forehead was pressed against her door. Did he thump his head against her door instead of knock? She wondered before slowly opening the door. "Auston..." her voice was barry audible.

"I'm not gonna let you just walk away from... whatever this is," he stared at her. "You have to explain. Is it why you're always nervous whenever we go out?"

"It's complicated," Jessica deflected and turned away from the door walking towards her kitchen for a drink.

The door to her apartment closed quietly, and she heard Auston follow her. "I have all night to hear you explain it."

"You have practice and a flight tomorrow," Jessica countered.

Auston shrugged. "I'm not leaving here without you explaining who Jake is."

"Why are you so persistent!" Jessica groaned. "You could have any girl in this city so go whisk some one else on fancy dinner dates with fancy expensive wines!"

"Maybe I don't want anyone else," Auston's hand was under her chin, turning her head so he could look her in the eyes. They were a deep shade of brown, with a unique green tint, almost unexplainable; which he loved. "Maybe I want you."

Jessica swallowed after hearing how much deeper his voice got. The sexual tension in the room could be cut with a knife.

"Jake is dead," Jessica whispered. Auston's hand fell to his side as he stared at her. She noticed how his eyebrows knit together while he waited for her to continue.

"Jake was my brothers best friend and my fiancé. Until two years ago when they were in a car accident and were both-" Jessica continued. "Micheal died first, almost immediately according to paramedics but Jake suffered for hours. It was a hit and run, in the middle of the night and on a country road that was never used. It was almost 9 hours after the accident that Jake was admitted to a hospital."

Auston watched her carefully. He could see how much this hurt her to talk about, and his expression softened with each detail she gave him.

"He died in the hospital. I was arguing with him on the phone right before the accident. His phone went dead and I figured he just lost reception because I knew they didn't have great reception... I've beat myself up over this for two years, because I should have known- I should have tried calling back or something but I was just so mad at Jake that I didn't want to talk to him." Jessica finished her retelling of the story.

"Jake was the first love of my life and as much as I have loved spending time with you-" Jessica stopped to breath. She realized she hadn't been breathing enough while telling her story. "I can't explain why, but I've felt guilty for every joked I've laughed at, or every pun I've made, or every moment I've enjoyed with you, because I was supposed to marry Jake."

She closed her eyes to stop herself from crying while she waited to hear the sounds of Auston's shoes leaving. Almost a minute passed before she heard the sound of paper towel being ripped and Auston handing her it. "I don't know if you have any Kleenex, but this is all I could see in your kitchen..."

She took the paper towel and wiped under her eyes. She had tried to avoid crying until she heard Auston walk away with no luck. Instead she felt his arms wrap around her, and her head was against his chest. His heartbeat was slow compared to her anxious one. It calmed her down as she stood there in his embrace.

Neither one of  them said anything, they stood in her kitchen silent until Jessica spoke up. "Well now you know I'm completely emotionally unavailable so that's you're get out free card. Use it, there will be no hard feelings."

"Emotionally unavailable?" Auston asked. He stepped back to look her in the eyes. "If I saw anything it was you allowing yourself to be vulnerable and truly 100% open and honest. That's the opposite of emotionally unavailable if you ask me."

"Auston I really don't expect you to stick around-" Jessica started but was immediately cut off.

He gave his head a shake . "No. No, that's not what's going to happen. Everyone has bad moments in their life and anyone who says otherwise is lying. If you didn't have some form of emotional baggage then it would be weird."

"Oh, and what emotional baggage do you have?" Jessica countered trying to prove her point. She didn't want to push Auston away but it was what was best and she knew it.

"My last girlfriend and I spent more time 'off' than 'on' over the course of our relationship that I don't actually know what a real relationship is," Auston chuckled. "I have no idea what to do in real relationship. It's not the same as you, but everyone has baggage that's okay and normal."

Jessica sighed and turned to grab a bottle of water. She spent a few seconds staring into her fridge before grabbing a bottle and closing her fridge. She was trying to buy herself time to think. From behind her she could feel Auston watching her and didn't know what to say to him. She crumpled the paper towel in her hand and threw it out. "I don't know happens now."

"What do you mean?" Auston had a small smile on his face.

"With... Whatever this is," she motioned between the two of them.

Auston had both his hands in his pockets as he stood watching Jessica motion between the two of them. What were they? He didn't have an answer for that.

"Well I'm not walking away, unless you want me too," Auston smiled. Jessica couldn't help the small smile that worked it's way onto her face. Auston had a way of making everyone around him smile and laugh.

"I don't want you too- I just think you should because you could do better," Jessica replied honestly. Which made Auston's smile falter for a moment before he chuckled.

He stepped towards her using his larger frame to keep her against the kitchen counter. "I'm absolutely certain that I want you in my life," Auston spoke softly. His hand found her neck as he gently moved it to the back of her head. He leaned his forehead against hers, both of them had closed their eyes. Their bodies were almost pressed together, but not quite; Jessica could feel the edge of his unbuttoned suit jacket brush against the jersey. "I'll wait for you, for however long it takes, I'll wait."

Ruining the moment, Jessica felt Auston stand up straighter and opened her eyes to watch him smile at her. "I'll see you soon Jess."

The tension that disappeared as he turned to leave was noticeable to the both of them.

She watched him walk out of her apartment, without another word said between the two of them about what almost happened in the kitchen.
-

a/n
i'm trash at updating lmao because this is like the only boook i've updated in like three weeks so yeah

hope i annoyed everyone a little more with the ending of this chapter