The Mistake That Broke Me

Chapter Ten: Life is a Monster

Song: Nobody's Home by Avril Lavigne

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I shoot up from the prison cot, panting from the nightmare I had just had. I can still hear the little boy's screams as he burns to death in a vehicle made of glass.

Sweat drips down my back and I bury my face in my hands. That was horrible.

It's almost as if I can smell the burning flesh still. It's almost as if I can see the carnage and destruction that I have caused.

It was just a dream. Just a dream.

But can I really call it that after what's happened? I mean, the dream wasn't that far from the truth. The little boy did indeed die in the car. Because of me.

It's guilt that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I killed two people.

Looking around, I see that the two women in my cell are sound asleep. I'm relieved I didn't wake them from their slumber. Who knows what they would do to me if I did.

Gulping, I lie back down, looking up at the darkened ceiling.

There's no way I am going to be able to fall back asleep now. Not after what I've been seeing in my nightmares, any way.

Over the last month since I've been in prison, I have come to the conclusion that there is no comfortable position on a prison cot. They're hard, small, and they smell like sweat, as if they haven't been washed in years.

A shiver of disgust runs up my spine.

I miss my home. My dog, Peggy. The taste of cookies. My bed. Oh God, my own bed. I miss movie night and popcorn. I miss Owen. I miss my family. And damn me, I miss my friends.

I'm not sure why, but I think it's because right now, I have nobody. At least my friends were someone to talk to, someone I could vent to and socialize with. Even if they were fake, it was nice to talk....

And Owen. My heart still hurts for him, for what we should have had. I'm not mad at him, though. I understand him and why he broke up with me. But damn, his words put knives into my heart and messed with my head a little bit.

He made me feel worthless when he broke up with me.

But how can I blame him? I killed two people for God's sake!

I am angry with my family, though. I'm devastated and livid that they would leave me like this. Their rejection hurts me more and more each day, and it seems as if I'm growing weaker and weaker from all the stress that I'm carrying.

Did my family ever truly love me? Or maybe, there was a time when they did love me but then that love died for me like a romantic relationship gone sour.

I sigh. Whatever the case, they disowned me. No parent should ever disown their child for any reason, really. Family should be together forever, no matter what crap life throws at you.

And what will I do when I get out of here? Where will I go? I have no money....and who will want to hire someone who's done prison time for five years for driving drunk?

Maybe my family will take me back. Maybe they will change their minds.

I smile. Yeah, they probably will....

I stretch my arms out and before I know it, I drift off to sleep again. I once more enter a world full of nightmares that are a product of my guilty conscience.

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The time of day has come again for all the prisoners to be let out for "Free time." Groups gather and once again, I take my seat in the shade against the cool concrete wall of the prison building.