Diari depresi

Everyone need someone, but not everyone can be there for anyone.

I've been diagnosed with MDD in about 2 years ago. I was struggling since 3 years before that.
Life was so hard for me when I need to do a lot on my own.
I was alone and lonely.
I've no one I can turn to and talk about my worries.
I used to calm my self down, and heal my self on my own.
I act tough.
I live with all those fake believes
With those toxic positivities.
I can't let my family know
I can't reach out my friends.
While having all those hard times
Fighting my own demons
Being anxious and timid all the time
Then, I notice someone was there in my bad days.
Giving affirmation that I'm not solely alone.
He wasn't new but my lonesome make him special since then.
It was so hard to let him go
To pretend that it wasn't meaningful, or I didn't need it.
He root for me whenever I went out and reach out with my friends.
He told me to go out.
But he came with times, sometimes he was there, sometimes he was not.
I know he have no special intention
We have that clear barrier line.
I know he was there as we are sharing some mutual circle.
My friends said that it was my lonely which at fault for my wrong interpretation, some said that I was overthinking, and some said boys flirting everywhere.
I knew it. Seriously I do.
I'm trying so hard to let him go
Not to let him stay in my loneliest heart.
But I can't deny that I still need him tho.
He was there, when I was about to give up
He came and say "don't worry, I'm here."
Even if that for my works as we are sharing the same views in few things.
To know that he was there updating my whereabout and mention it to make me feel more than enough.
Earlier I was trying so hard to get his attention but now I just let everything out
Let him know my darkest day, my struggle and ugly sides.
Because I feel like I haven nothing to lose with him.
I don't try to get him impressed
I just share to express my self out.
Telling a story as I feel like he was there and I have someone to talk to,
Even if it's not in direct literally way
I don't know how I feel but he give me the calmness
He was there listen to my silence voice.
He was there when no one did.
I don't begged for him to stay but he give me more than I asked for
By just being there.
But knowing that he won't stay for a long time
Somehow make me anxious.
I work so hard to make him go.
But in the end, his attention still give me the vibes that can calm me down.
Sometimes I want to let my self out
To let things go
I want to be happy
I know I can be strong but
I do feel lonely.
I know that we are not in parallel line, we can't meet each other in any way.
We owned by different circle class.
So much in my head now
I blamed my overthinking mind
I should let him go
I should forget
I should standing up on my own
I've been so wrong
For long.
I wish this could be the last time I talk about him
I can't deny that I lied when I said I don't need him
When I said I want to let he go
But I just can't. I can't get all I want. And he might be the one.
I would like to thank him
Thanks for being there, thanks for helping me being honest and express my self. Thanks for the memories, thanks for support.
How I wish you'll be there forever.
But I just can't
That's not how life works for me.
My writing are long today
As I'm struggling with few things now
And he came to my mind.
Knowing that he always there to support me literally might be too much, but the ideas of letting him know I was struggling is a bliss. As I know, he was there listen to my silence voice. Knowing that I need him but I need to let him go too.
Need to bear this on my own.
Act up strong again.
If this is the last time I can talk about him
Let me tell the world that I'm blissful.
Thanks.
Sorry for being much and wishing more.
I'll be okay
It's all my faults.
For being alone and overthink.
Thanks.
Thanks so much.
For the music, books, words and stories,
You are much appreciated.
Don't be afraid.
It's all my faults.
I won't ask for more.