Closer than you think

Chapter 19

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This chapter is dedicated to tyrant_forever for being such an active reader. Thank you babe:)
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JORDANS POV

For a second she looked like she was hurt by my words but it was quickly covered up with an unreadable look. Why did I just say that? Why can't I express myself like how I want to. Oh right. Cause I'm fucked up. I don't want to hurt her. She's the only one who has made me forget about my twisted persona. If I continue to push her away I'm only going to lose her but if I tell her the truth she would never want to speak to me again.

What's even more shocking to me is she is a Mary. The fact that she is turns me on but something is telling me it's not right. That even if I want to be with her I can't. I can't make my dark and twisted affect her.

I push people away. That's all I do. It can't be like that this time around. I can't push away everybody who tries to get close to me. Me pushing away people has become so bad that it's an instinct. As soon as somebody starts asking questions or starts to doubt me I must spring out. That's why I only have three friends and they know better than to question me on something I don't want to share.

I don't want her to feel as if I have feelings for Maddy. I don't. What happened between Maddy and I is over and even though I just met Amiya I know something more is supposed to happen between us. I feel it. Whenever she is close to me. Whenever she talks. I just notice the little things. I've never felt like this before with anyone. I don't know what the feeling is but I feel as if my insides are floating and my heart tries to escape just to see if hers would run into the sunset with it.

I looked into her eyes for a second but she turned away looking so uncomfortable.

"Amiya, I didn't mean it like that...." She placed her hand in the air cutting me off.

"No it's okay. You are completely right. We aren't dating and I have overstayed my welcome. Maybe it's just time for me to go home you know..." No No No. She can't go. I haven't had enough time with her. Why does she have to go so soon. I have really messed things up. Think Jordan. Think.

" No. Please don't think that. That's not what I meant. I really do want you to stay."

"I don't have a reason to. I thought," she paused for a second. "Never mind. I just need to go," she started getting up to pack her stuff. What? What did she think? We could me more than friends? I need to ask her. I want to know what is on her mind. I moved closer to her but I was still cautious to give her her space.

"Amiya, I didn't mean what I said. I close myself off to everybody and it's just become such a habit and I don't know how to shut it off. I try to but I just don't know where to start."

"Then start with me." What does she expect me to tell her? I know I can't tell her the truth but I can't lie to her either. I just won't tell her what she doesn't ask. That may land me into more of a pickle than I already am in but it's worth the try. She's the only person that has made me feel like this and I want her to know that. Leaving me is the worse case scenario and she is already in the verge of that right now so I might as well give this heart to heart thing a go. My palms were staring to sweat in the balled up position they were in and my pulse was quickening by the second. I need to do this. I have to figure out what this feeling is before I can let her go.

"You know what forget it. I'll just get my stuff and leave. If you can't be honest there is no point of me staying. I actually thought we had something going here but I guess not." Her eyes looked sad and there was a lot of disappointment in her voice l. Her words were ringing in my ears 'I actually thought we had something here' She must feels it. Her words confirm it and I build a bit more confidence than I had a moment ago.

"No. Don't leave. I'll do my best. Ask me anything you need to and I will answer as best as I can. I don't want to do it here though. Not in an environment as tensed as this. Let me make you breakfast and I'll answer all your questions then." I wasn't just trying to woo her but I know what I had said was a low blow. It was rude and inconsiderate. I don't know when I started to care about girls feelings but something felt so right when I was with her. I couldn't have that disappear like most things in my life. I looked at the time and it was almost dawn. "You should sleep for a couple hours. You will need it. We have a long day ahead. If you decide to stay, that is."

I didn't let her reply before I hastily left the room. I needed to give her space. I didn't have a decent mother figure growing up but one thing I learnt about women is you can't talk to them whilst they are still mad! You need to let the rain stop before you can clear the water otherwise there would be no point.

AMIYA'S POV

For someone who usually has all the words in the world I seem to have come up with nothing. I still can't believe j told him I thought more was going to happen between us. By his reaction he wasn't expecting it but who is to blame I wasn't either. I just really need to calm all the emotions down. I'm about to burst. Have you ever had those moment when all you need to do is cry just to let everything out? That's what I need right now. Even if he explains everything and tries to make this right I should stay. I don trust myself. I'm falling for this boy and I would do anything for him to feel the same. Even if it means giving him all of me.

I need to leave. I don't think straight when I am around him. I was hoping my mum would tell me to come home right now but she didn't. She told me to follow my heart. How can I do that though when my heart is leading me through a sandpit of pain. I've never fallen for someone so quickly.

Even worse just a couple weeks ago I was in love with somebody else. Or was I really in love? Maybe it was just the idea of an ideal love that I liked. I never felt the way I felt around Jordan with Nathan. Does that mean I love Jordan? No! How can that be? I haven't lived him long enough. Yet again love has no timing. You can be with someone for a lifetime but love somebody you just met. Does that even make sense?

I am all jungles up. The tears are refusing to fall. I feel nothing. Nothing but confusion. I don't want my heart to be dragged into a game my mind doesn't want to play. Why does it feel right yet it is so wrong. What if this is just a phase.

I wish I made him answer my questions now. His gesture with breakfast was sweet but all I'm hungry for in answers.

I look at the clock hanging on the wall and it's been about thirty minutes since Jordan left. Everything seems to be moving slowly. The clocks ticks were louder and I could hear the not so far sea hitting cliffs. The morning birds singing their prayers as the earth comes to life whilst I still lay here dead inside.
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