pearl {hs}

i want to write you a song.

tw: funeral, mentions of death and grief, mentions of a loved one having cancer
-margot has a weird sense of humor, more so dark sense of humor so dont hate on her please. this is how she copes.

song; i want to write you a song // one direction

harry xx

I think hell would feel much nicer right now.

I hate death, I hate funerals.

All the fake sympathy that comes with these things is just so unneeded. Nothing anyone says can bring my dad back. Nothing anyone can do will bring my dad back.

All it does is remind me that the time that I could have had with him was taken away. Taken away from me and I could do nothing about it.

After the first year into my contract I immediately called my mom. She just broke down, it took her thirty minutes to tell me about my dads diagnosis. Promising me that he was okay and that he will be okay. Throughout the three years of being in contact with my mom she made it seem like he was doing okay. A lot of my questions I would ask never got answered and now I get it. I get why I never got to talk to him, and that is because he was not good.

I wish I got to say goodbye. That's the only thing I wish I got to do.

Say goodbye.

"Hey sweet boy..." My mum says softly. I look up and she's standing in the doorway. Wearing that all too familiar dress. You know how everyone has that one suit or that one dress in their closet that is the designated funeral outfit. That's what my mum has on. I flash a sad smile towards her before I look down in my lap. Focusing on the pale pink tie that's dangling.

I clear my throat in hopes it stops tears from coming, "dad gave me this tie." I softly say as I hear her feet shuffle before my bed dips. I look over and she's sitting next to me. I have always been the biggest mama boy, I'd be the first one to admit that. But, my dad...my dad made me into the man that I am today. Though he's not my real dad, he took my mom, my sister and me in like we were his own.

"I didn't get to say goodbye mum," I look at her with tears in my eyes. She pulls me into her and I begin to weep. All of my decisions feel like they are coming back to haunt me. Did I ever do the right thing? Could it have been different if I didn't leave? Would he be here if I was here?

I got everything I wanted, but at what cost?

Coming home in a time like this, I thought I would get all the love and warm kindness. But no, I come home and I find out I am basically excommunicated from the place I once called home.

"I know baby...I know." she starts rubbing my back as I cry into her. We sit here for what feels like forever as we both cry.

I've tried my hardest trying to hold it in as much as possible because I know my mom is hurting beyond words. Holding this in along with everything else, I can't anymore.

"Robyn didn't want to worry you, he wanted you to focus on what you loved the most." She softly says kissing the top of my head. "I should've been there for you and him. I should have been here." I let out a sob. My mum just softly hums and coos while I try to calm down and gain composure.

After a few minutes I wipe away all of my tears and take a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I'm ready I promise." She smiles and nods, "Harry you don't have to apologize to your mother." I nod while listening to her. I do have a lot of things to apologize for.

She stands up and heads to the door. I take a deep breath before I stand up and fix my dress trousers before I follow her out of my room. We both head downstairs and get our coats on before we head out to the car. My mom gets in the driver's seat and I hop in the passenger side. "Wheres Gem?"