Broken Until You

Chapter 21 - The Night Sparks Vulnerability

Autumn

Halloween was the other day but I could not remember a thing about what happened. That whole night is a blur.

It's a new night as I lay in bed.

It's interesting how vulnerable one can be when night strikes.

Vulnerability is scary. The bravery it takes just to reveal your heart to your own self is one of the most daunting things.

As we lay in the darkness of our rooms, the only thing we can see is black. It almost feels like a void.

When we cant sleep our thoughts hyphen, taking over our restless minds. Like waves in the ocean, one thought after another crashed into my head and all I could do was endure the water and drown.

Windows all the way open, breeze filling my room, and no water in sight yet I was drowning.

All I can do is think. These thoughts don't make me sad like they usually would. These thoughts make me feel...numb. And somehow, as I lay here unable to cry, I realize that being numb is way worse.

It's like I want to feel but I'm afraid to fall deep. I want to be strong but I can't help but feel weak. I want to overcome my past but my father is a daily reminder. I want to trust Ryder but trusting means people know what can hurt you. Befriend Heather or challenge her? Should I be okay with my mother abandoning me all the time or hate her for it?

Tightly, I shut my eyes. It was physically painful to hear and question every thought. I can't control my emotions or thoughts. When I think, I think too deeply and it hurts.

It's unfortunate to overthink everything.

Turning on the lamp on my nightstand, I sat on the edge of my bed with head in my hands. My hands were shaking.

My thoughts were consuming me.

And I have to go through it alone. I'm so alone–

"Autumn?" a voice cut me out of my dangerous thoughts.

I gasped when someone's voice erupted from outside my room.

"Can I come in?" the person asked in an innocent voice.

"Um sure?"

The door creaked open to a tired Ryder Becker. His hair was disheveled and his droopy eyes gave away that he hasn't slept in days.

"First of all what the hell are you doing in my house!?" I yelled at him in confusion, scare, and annoyance.

"Well you left your door unlocked and I was just checking on you since you said on Halloween night that you are always scared so–''

"Pfft. I'm not scared. Why would I ever say that?"

Ryder looked down at my shaky hands then back at my eyes, "your hands are shaking."

"Whatever. You don't need to check on me at 2:00am, Ryder. By the looks of it you need rest so go home and back to bed."

He queitly laughed and leaned on my doorframe. "Oh Autumn, I hardly sleep."

"Why?"

He was silent for a couple seconds. "Don't worry about it."

Instead of persisting him, I analyzed his features. I never noticed how sad or tired he looked. Even though his eyes were droopy from lack of sleep, they stood out the most to me. The way they didn't match his smirk was suspicious and made me think about what things he kept so close to himself to the point that he had to cover it up with a smirk.