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chapter song eric clapton: tears in heaven "time can bring you down, time can bend your knees / time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please / beyond the door, there's peace, i'm sure / and i know there'll be no more tears in heaven"
1984
Life didn't even feel real at this point. El could hear the commotion, see the breeze blow through the trees, feel the cigarette ashes burn her a little, but it all seemed like a dream. She wasn't even upset. She was just shocked that it came to this point, but if she were being honest, she had been preparing herself for this for a long time. El knew it was bound to happen if Ezra didn't lay off. Now, she supposed he finally found the peace he was looking for and that's more than she could hope for.
The bang of more car doors slamming pulled her from her daze and her head snapped up to see Nikki and the Motley boys all but running toward her. They stopped in front of her and watched her with careful eyes and she looked at them before taking a drag of her cigarette and ashing it.
"El, I-," Nikki started, but she held up her hand and waved him off.
"It is what it is," she shrugged. Nikki and the boys were worried. They were expecting her to be freaking out, screaming, crying, anything but this... aloofness. They'd much rather have her be sobbing uncontrollably than showing no emotion at all.
"Are you..." Nikki trailed off as he watched his girlfriend stand.
"I'm fine," she snapped. She looked up to Nikki and her eyes welled up with tears. "I'm going home," her face was hot, burning, "and when you come home, you and I," her voice wavered, "are going to rehab."
Nikki nodded at her and pulled her into his embrace quickly and kissed the top of her head. Tommy and Vince also wrapped their arms around El and Nikki, and Mick gave a supportive pat on the back to his friends.
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"They say fame changes people, and in this case, I have to agree," El began her speech. "Ezra and I had the privilege of growing up in the south, which meant we were privy to developing some southern hospitality. Being from the south means that you'll never meet a stranger. You extend a helping hand to your neighbor because you know that's what you're supposed to do, not what you have to do. You say Please and thank you and you know the value of a good peach cobbler. These are all things that Ezra brought with him when we moved to California in 1976. I remember him being so excited for a new change of scenery, but he left a part of his heart in Louisiana.
"Ezra and I started a band in the basement of our mother's house when I was 16 years old and two months later, we were tricking club promoters into thinking I was 18 so they'd let us play. There was nothing like that feeling. The feeling of unity I felt being onstage with my brother and two of our friends was otherworldly. I felt like I had finally found a place where I belonged and I know he did, too.
"But, life takes some unexpected turns. You get thrown into a life of money and fame and new excesses you've never been awarded before. Before you know it, it all becomes too much. It happened to me first. I lost myself in all the lights and the glory and next thing you know, Ezra was shipping me off to rehab before I could even blink." El sniffles through her tears at the memory.
"I didn't notice it at first. I didn't notice that he had lost his way. But, when you've got your sights set on making it big time, it doesn't really leave your mind much room to think about the people you love. This was true for the both of us. We were too caught up in everything and I didn't notice my brother slipping through my fingers, and before I knew it," El choked on a sob before she brought a hand to her mouth. "that sweet, loud-mouthed southern boy I grew up with had disappeared, and now I'll never get him back." She hung her head and stepped back from the podium.
Among her sat family, friends, and her band. The only people missing were Nikki and her boys. This saddened her, but she knew it wasn't logical for them to come off the road for Ezra's funeral. She would see them soon and that's what she counted on. El sat back beside her mother and gripped her hand. Jo was effectively falling apart and El didn't know what to do. Jo was so... broken and it was ripping El apart.
El and Jo stood at the front of the funeral home shaking the hands of patrons who had turned up to show their support. It was nice, but it was droning on and on to the point where it began to feel a little robotic. Faces were blurring together and names were forgotten, but then she saw him. How could she not? Black hair spiked to the ceiling and the sorriest excuse for a church outfit she ever did see. What on earth was he doing here? She remained in her spot, waiting for him there. Her cheeks were warm and her chest was tight and she was thanking the universe that the one person she wanted to hold her hand was here.
Finally, he stood before her, the rest of the boys in tow. A kiss to the forehead came first, an I love you came second, and a tight hug came third. He moved to stand beside her and the rest of the boys followed with their own love and affection to the one girl that remained constant in their lives. She didn't question what they were doing there. Didn't want to know the lengths they had gone through to get to her. That didn't matter. It just mattered that they were here now. How lucky was she to have Nikki and his ragtag group of annoying, yet loveable friends? On top of that, she still had her mother who had kept on a brave face for El during this time. Not to mention Del and Jude who had been crashing in El's bed with her for the last week since they came home so she didn't have to be alone.
In that moment, as she stood in the funeral parlor surrounded by those who loved her and who she loved most, she realized everything was going to be alright. The hole in her heart had surely widened and was gaping, but the love she was receiving was overwhelming her in the best way. She was going to be okay and life was going to roll on. She was going to make damn sure of that.
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Rest In Peace Matthew Ezra Wilson May 3, 1958 - January 10, 1984
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a/n: don't mind me, just continuing to make myself sad. i promise, happy shit is coming soon. we've got an entry chapter coming next, and then we're onto better times. love y'all, let me know what you think
