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chapter song arctic monkeys: cornerstone "tell me where's your hiding place / i'm worried i'll forget your face / and i've asked everyone / i'm beginning to think i imagined you all along"
1984
"Nikki?" The man himself was guaranteed that all of the air had effectively been sucked out of his lungs and he was going to hit the floor. His lips tried to move, but no words could come out. What was he meant to say? What did he even want to say?
"I — Is this real? Is somebody fucking with me? Because this is really not funny," he couldn't believe his ears.
"It's me, Nikki," he breathed a sigh of relief, but he actually wasn't feeling any relief at all, "it's El."
"Where are you?" The question he had been dying to know the answer to since he read that fucking note that taunted him every evening on the night stand. "Where did you go? Are you safe? You don't sound safe."
"You don't sound mad," El replied in the same tone.
"I'm just — There's a lot... going on. I'm not mad, I'm just — El listen, where are you?" He changed the subject, sitting up in the bed and biting his nails.
"I'm in a facility in Colorado," she answered.
"A facility?" He asked, worried.
"Well, more like a psychiatric hospital," her voice sounded small.
"How did you get to Colorado?" He scrunched his face in confusion, still feeling incredibly weird that he could hear her voice. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he couldn't find the words. He could be upset later. He could express to her how much she hurt him later. If she was in a psychiatric ward then she definitely did not need to be at the brunt end of his anger.
"I drove," she said.
"Are you out of your fucking mind!?" He raised his voice, causing her to flinch over the phone. "You could've been killed! You could've gotten hurt!"
"Nikki, I was out of my mind. I wasn't thinking clearly," she explained calmly.
"Why didn't you fucking fly!?" He continued to shout.
"I didn't even know where I wanted to go," she whispered, "I just needed to be anywhere other than California. Listen, I need to ask you something, and you can say no, but please think on it before you give me an answer."
"Okay," he trailed off, fearful of where she was going with this.
"In a couple weeks, they're going to allow me to have visitors. I would really prefer if we could talk in person. There's so much I have to say, but I don't have enough time over the phone," he could hear the insecurity in her voice and it broke his heart. He knew no matter how burned he felt, he wouldn't tell her no. He needed to see she was okay, it wasn't enough for her to just say the words.
"Wait, how long have you been there?" He asked.
"I checked in around the end of September."
"You're just now calling me? Jesus El, it's the end of November." She knew he wanted to sound angry, but instead she just heard the disappointment and it made her sick.
"Nikki, I promise you that I literally just got phone privileges not even 30 minutes ago," she rushed.
"What, have they fuckin' taken you prisoner in there?" He grumbled, feeling concerned about her safety in whatever facility she was in.
"I was a little difficult when I first got here, but that's a long story. Look, I promise I will be able to tell you everything if you come out here. When I get clearance from my therapist tomorrow, I will call you and let you know when you can come out, okay? Just stay by the phone if you can because I'm only allowed to make one call a day," El explained, sighing as she pinched the bridge of her nose.
"I — Yeah, yeah," he assured her, "I'll talk to you tomorrow then." He went to hang up the phone, but stopped when he heard her call his name.
"Nikki," she put her hand over her heart, "I love you."
Nikki gulped as tears sprung to his eyes. He wanted to say it back, God did he ever want to say it back, but he couldn't. Not right now. He simply put the phone back on the receiver and El gasped when she heard the line go dead, feeling her heart shatter into a million pieces, but what did she expect? She even told him herself in her letter that she knew how he was, knew he'd never forgive her. She made her bed, and now she had to lay in it.
—
"Look, you need to stop punishing yourself for leaving. You said it yourself, LA was killing you and you did what was best for you. That's more than most can say. You knew that your relationship would not survive if you tried to stick it out, but most importantly you knew you wouldn't survive. I'm not sure how beneficial it will be for me to let Nikki come here, but I feel like it'll help you overcome this guilt. You need to see him, sit him down, and explain to him everything you've talked to me about in the past 24 hours. You're finally making progress, and you need to show him that you went away to do exactly what you promised to do. You are on the journey to finding yourself, El. You've still got a little ways to go, but I can see purpose in your eyes," Lewis told El.
"I'm just so fucking scared, Lewis! I told him that if he didn't want me anymore that I wouldn't cry or beg for him, but Jesus Christ I really don't know what I'll do if he's finished with us!" Lewis had a look on her face and El moaned and rolled her eyes. "I'm not saying I can't live without him, I just don't want to! I have found the person that I never want to miss a moment with."
"I can't sit here and pretend I know everything about your relationship because you've only just started opening up to me. I don't know how Nikki truly is. I don't know if you're lying about him, if you're truthful, or whatever," Lewis said honestly, "but I am worried about what might happen to the small shred of stability you have right if he comes here and tells you that he doesn't want to move forward with your relationship."
El huffed, anxiety washing over her entire being as she stiffened in her seat. "Well," she bit her lip, "I guess you'll just have to help me pick the pieces back up and move on."
—
"Hello?" Nikki answered the phone.
"Hey, I spoke with my therapist and I got the go head for you to come out," El said.
"Hang on," he huffed as he leaned over, "I gotta grab a pen." El twisted the phone cord around her finger and tried to calm her breathing. "Okay, I'm ready."
"Visitors come on the weekends and I'm cleared for visitation the weekend of December 7th," she repeated the information Lewis told her.
"God, it's like you're in a fucking prison. 'Cleared for visitation'? What the fuck is that shit?" He snapped.
"Well Nikki, it's not like I'm in some hotel resort doing yoga and getting massages to find myself like some snob from Beverly Hills. I'm in a fucking psychiatric ward," she quipped back. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be hateful."
"It's fine," he assured her, but she felt like it wasn't. "All I need is the time and address and I'll be there."
—
a/n: yeeeeesh can y'all sense the shit that's coming??? this is about to get fucked... also i'm trying to spoil you all as much as i can before college starts lmao
