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chapter song oasis: don't look back in anger "take me to the place where you go / where nobody knows if it's night or day / but please don't put your life in the hands / of a rock and roll band / who'll throw it all way"
2019
El's entry
Remember how I said all good things must come to an end eventually? Hi, welcome to eventually. I lost my everloving mind and fucked off the face of the planet and, yes, I left Nikki and no, I don't want to hear any lip about how much of a selfish bitch I am or how I don't deserve him from any of you feral fucking women that talk about licking his teeth. Not one fucking word.
Looking back at this situation now, it doesn't seem like such a huge deal in the grand scheme of things all things considered (if you know, you know). However, 1984 was a whirlwind of misery that kept delivering one blow after another and I just couldn't do it anymore. Ezra died at the beginning of the year and it was painful, but I got through it. I went to rehab, I cleaned up, and I took a much-needed break from music so I could figure out how to enjoy life again. Nikki was truly the best during this time. I mean, he always was, but it was just different. My friends became my family more than ever and my mother, though she was hurting, held my hand through that pain. Things slowly got better and life returned to normal, but I should've known better than to get too comfortable with how nice life was.
From the time the band started, I was always driven to do more, more, more. I was never not working or thinking about working or making plans for tours and records and whatever else revolved around music. It was exhausting, which is what made drinking and doing blow so appealing, but I lived for it. When the band stopped, it really hurt me. Like deep down in my soul, open bleeding wound, I feel like I'm going to die, type of hurt. I lost my brother and I lost my band, and we had no idea what the future was going to hold for us. I felt empty, but I felt better after rehab and I did the best I could when I got home. It was weird living the life of a "normal" person, but after I got used to it, it was so fun to just do nothing with the person I loved. I had no obligations and I could do whatever I wanted and it was so fucking nice to just exist.
Nikki proposed, we settled on a date, and I had a wedding to plan. Weddings mean dresses, dresses mean shopping, and shopping became my downfall. I went dress shopping with my mom, then my mom had a heart attack while I was in the fitting room, and then she hit the floor and died right in front of me. I watched it happen right in front of me, but it was like I didn't really see it. It was so fast. I felt like I was floating outside of my body. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me and it pushed me into a downward spiral that is arguably one of my most detrimental breakdowns to date. I'll let you be the judge of that.
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Nikki's entry
God, I don't even want to fucking talk about this. It still hurts as bad now as it did then. Jo Wilson was like the mother I always wanted. Of course, I had Nona, but this was different. Nona had to love me, but Jo chose to love me. She was the best, and she always will be. I was too concerned about El to truly let myself grieve the loss of Jo. When Ezra died, El did her best to hold it together and move forward. She had a lot of strength and it was inspiring to see her fight in the face of everything stacked against her. It made me fall more in love with her if I'm being honest. However, El lost all of that will to keep living after Jo passed. I watched the light burn out in her eyes and that scared the shit out of me. I was trying my hardest to hold her together, but she was slipping through my fingers.
