Secret Agents: My Savior

18. Purpose

Alex

"Be quick," Nick grunts, rolling his eyes as we stop in front of a store.

I need new clothes. I've lost weight since I started training and gained muscles. I don't want to borrow the tiny dresses of some other girls. I prefer jeans and shirts, but they barely fit anymore.

Cole asked Nick to come with me and here we are, even if it bothers me to be followed by him. He doesn't trust me. I need to work on that.

Remember why you do what you do.

Right. I'm here for a reason. I can do this.

Forcing a smile, I take my sunglasses off. "You coming in as well?"

He narrows his eyes on me. With short blonde hair, he could totally be my type if he wasn't always so serious and glaring at me. "Keep your sunglasses on."

"Nobody is searching for me, Nick. I know you still don't trust me, but I'm hoping we can make it work. You know, be friends..."

He scoffs and leans against the wall, taking out a cigarette to light up. "Yeah, right." He shakes his head and mumbles under his breath, "Fucking Cole. Don't know what he sees in you."

"I'm wounded." I frown.

He meets my eyes, and with suspicion, glances behind me. He puts the cigarette between his lips and gives me a blank look. "Not coming. Be quick, or else I'm finding you."

I shrug and smile. "All right. You have nothing to worry about."

"Right," he mutters under his breath, turning away from me.

If Cole happens to know he doesn't follow me inside, he will probably get pissed and ask someone else to 'protect' and look out for me. But I need Nick to trust me, to not be suspicious of me or my motives. I'm not gonna tell Cole anything. It actually pleases me to be able to do something without being followed.

I enter the store and look around. It feels good to be in another environment, to be surrounded by normal people shopping and smiling instead of people dealing with drugs, fighting or killing each other when they're furious.

Yikes.

I can't help thinking that the old Alex would have never been able to survive this long in such an environment.

I search around for a while before deciding to just buy a few things comfortable and not necessarily pretty. Nobody will ever see me wear any of these in public.

That thought makes me frown. When will I ever be able to...leave?

Will I ever do so?

Will I ever go back to that old life Cole was talking about?

I don't know what I have left. My apartment, my job, my friends...

I disappeared and probably lost everything, including myself, and for what?

My heart squeezes in a painful way, and I close my eyes. I'm not failing. I'm doing this for a reason. I'm here, and that alone protects the people I love.

That's right. I need to remember that. I can't fuck this up.

My eyes stop on a pretty black dress with a simple V neck, and I make my way toward it. Today is December 22nd, and my birthday was a week ago. I guess I can treat myself. I could wear this for Christmas.

The fabric is soft under my fingertips, and I find myself thinking about someone I shouldn't think about. I don't know why. I've been pretty good at not thinking about anyone I've left behind.