Same Mistakes

5. Family

5. Family

Quick shoutout to maccyDs she's one of my readers and definitely one of my favorite. I'm reading her book Being A Payne and I love it! Check her out please.

Niall.

I played with Mason, pushing him on the swing. He's two years and about seven months old. I can't even express my love for him. He's the happiest little boy you'll ever meet. He loves to sing One Direction songs for me. He's adorable when he dances around the house, and attempts to break-dance. He'll do anything to make me smile.

When I lost Addison and Violet, my world completely shattered. I lost my still-born daughter, and my beautiful girlfriend. I swear, I cried for two weeks straight.

My Mum and Dad took care of Mason while I was depressed. I'd hide in my bedroom, under my covers, and cry. I had a large pile of Violet's photos in my bed with me. I'd look at photos of Violet with her huge 8 months along pregnant stomach, which Max and Madison had painted like a rainbow.

I'd look at photos of Violet trying on wedding dresses. No, we weren't engaged or getting married. But Danielle, Perrie, Eleanor, Samantha and Violet went to a Bridal salon just to have fun and play dress-up for a day. Violet was about four months pregnant at that point.

I looked at photos of Violet and I at the pet store, buying a goldfish together. We named it Goldie. Mainstream, I know, but we both adored the name. Goldie died a week before Violet and Addison died. We have a mini-burial for Goldie in the backyard. With a little grave-stone and coffin.

I looked at photos of Violet and I on a roller coaster in California Adventure Land. I flew us there when she was three months pregnant. We wanted to get away from the UK for awhile, and I went crazy. I bought the plane tickets, and off we went. It was an amazing time. I'll never forget it.

I miss Violet so damn much. I honestly couldn't bring myself to look at Mason, or hold him, because he looked just like Addison. I know they were only minutes old, but I could definitely see the resemblance.

I got to hold Addison, though she was already dead when she was born. Violet never got to see her children. But I like to believe that in one little mili-second, she caught a glimpse of either Addison or Mason. I can't stand to believe that Violet never got to see her children. But now she's in heaven with baby Addison.

It was hard, raising Mason without Violet around. On Mason's two-week birthday, it was Addison and Violet's funeral. It was very tough for me to go there with Mason, and see Violet's body in the purple-satin lined casket. Mason was so tiny. He would barely keep his eyes open at that point.

But when I walked to the front to say, goodbye to Violet and Addison, Mason opened his shining blue eyes and looked down at his mother. He began to cry. Which caused me to cry along with him. Which caused me and Mason to have to take a moment outside for a breather, to calm ourselves down.

I've been raising Mason alone ever since. I only tried dating, once. But it obviously didn't work out. She didn't want kids, I didn't want a woman who didn't want kids. See the dilemma? I didn't even really like her anyway. I don't think Mason liked her, either. He'd always cry when she held him.

But I don't even know if I want to move on. I loved Violet so much, and I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship with anyone else. Violet was the one for me.

"Daddy?" Mason questioned, as I pushed the swing. "What?" I asked, stopping the swing so we could chat. "What's on that girls' arms?" Mason asked, pointing across the playground to a young woman with sleeve tattoos. "Those are called tattoos, lad. All your uncles have tattoos." I explained.