Jake walked onto the stage, dressed in Irwin's suit. He placed his phone on the podium, and looked about the audience.
"Hello, everyone. My name is Roger Strikewell, and I will be your guest auctioneer this evening" said Jake.
You stopped listening after that. You needed to focus on catching the perp, and listening to Jake would not help. You and Amy walked about the tables, looking around.
"It depicts the classic Greek fable: Boy meets girl, boy has goat legs. And on the back, just a whole bunch of wheat" said Jake, turning around the vase. The man who had put the antiquities on the table flinched, and you had to stop yourself from laughing. "Okay, so let's start at $10?"
Most people put their hands/paddles up in the air.
"Okay, started way too low" said Jake.
--------------------
"I have 85, do I have 90? I have 90 from the man with a face at table four" Jake said, and you checked the man.
"This is terrible. You don't know what you're doing" said a man in the audience.
"Adam Sandler?" Jake said, surprised.
"Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person" said Adam Sandler. "I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian revolution."
"Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?" asked Jake.
Sandler laughed. "Ha, ha. It's a serious movie. Trotsky."
"Ah, there it is" said Jake.
"But he's got a wife who never wears a bra" added Sandler. "i think you're gonna like it."
"Thanks for dressing up, by the way. All right, back to this plate" Jake said as Sandler stood up.
"New item up there. How much you guys wanna pay for me to stick my socks in this moron's mouth?" Sandler asked.
"I will" said Joe Theismann.
"Did football legend Joe Theismann just bid $1000 to put a sock in my mouth?" Jake asked.
"You bet" Theismann said.
"Okay, but let's get it going a little higher" said Sandler.
"Seriously, back to the porno plate -" Jake said.
"Uh, 1200 bucks, sock in the mouth?" suggested Sandler.
Someone in the audience raised their paddle.
"Boom, okay, the idiot gets the sock in the mouth. I'd say 1300 would be even better" Sandler said, and Theismann raised his paddle. "Joe Theismann coming in strong. Boom, sold to Joey Theismann! Congratulations, you're getting a sock in your mouth. 1300 bucks, Joe Theismann."
"Can I stick the sock in his mouth? I'll pay extra" offered Theismann.
"Yes, you may, because I just sold my item to the man in the gray shirt at Table 18" Jake said, and you and Amy immediately started moving towards 18. "NYPD, you're under arrest."
The man began to run. Jake jumped off the stage, and ran after the perp, as did you and Amy. Jake ran over a table, jumped on the perp and Joe Theismann, somehow managing to break Theismann's leg in the process.
"My leg! My leg! You broke my other leg" Theismann said, lying on the floor. "Oh, this was supposed to be a safe event."
"Nothing to see here" you said.
"Except for the bone, sticking out of the leg" said Jake.
"Joe, I video'd it" Sandler shouted from the stage.
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"What a day, huh?" you asked as you, Jake and Amy walked out of the ballroom leading the perp.
"Met Adam Sandler, broke Joe Theismann's leg, and solved an awesome case together" said Jake.
"Yeah, good day" Amy said.
"Hell yeah, it is" said Jake. "Drinks are on me!"
"Jake, y/n, I'm still doing the interview" Amy said, causing you and Jake to stop walking.
Jake scoffed. "What? No. Don't do that."
"We still have to process the perp. You love processing - It's your favorite thing, after organizing your emails and replacing toilet rolls" you said.
"This job would be a great opportunity for me" said Amy.
"You know what? You're being a bad partner. You're joining forces with the enemy. And from now on, I'm gonna call you 'the cheetah'. They're scavengers, just like vultures. And I kinda wish I hadn't said it, 'cause they're pretty cool" Jake said. "Come on, jewel thief and y/n."
Jake led the perp away from Amy, and left the building.
"Amy, please, don't go over to Major Crimes. If you go, things would actually be chaotic" you said.
"Y/n, like I said, this job would be a great opportunity" Amy said.
"Who else would stop Jake from messing up?" you asked.
"Uh, you?" Amy said.
"No, I'd be helping Jake mess up. Just think about staying. Please?" you said, and walked away.
------------------
You and Jake walked into the Major Crimes Division to see Amy standing there at the front desk.
"Ah, Santiago. Before you go in there, there's something I have to say. I'm sorry I said you were a bad partner. I was the bad partner. The truth is, our job isn't always great. I mean, sometimes it sucks. But it sucks a little less when I get to do it with y/n and you. So when you said you were going to leave, me and y/n freaked out, and that was dumb. We should've been more supportive. You're a great detective and they'd be lucky to have you" said Jake.
"In fact, if it helps, Jake wrote you a letter of recommendation, which is riddled with spelling errors, I might add" you said, showing Amy the letter.
"Including the word 'recommendation'. Which is just, I don't have to tell you about that. There's no way there's four 'm's in that word, right?" Jake said.
"I already turned down the job" said Amy.
"Seriously?" you asked.
"In the end, both of you were right. I don't want to sit at a desk. And right now, I like where I am" Amy said.
"Ah" said Jake.
Amy laughed. "But thanks for thinking I'm great."
"I take back all the things I just said" said Jake.
"Uh-uh. You just said that Amy was a good detective, and you were nice to her" you said, smiling at Jake.
"This is my nightmare" said Jake.
The Vulture walked in. "Lookee, lookee. I thought I saw your big, white ass wandering around. As for you, Santiago, well, now you certainly showed your true colors, didn't you? And they're a shade of pink called loser."
"All right, everybody just calm down. There's no reason why we can't be friends" you said. "Here, we brought you a peace offering."
You placed a tear gas bomb in the Vulture's hand and pulled the pin.
"Run!" Jake shouted and you all ran out of the building at top speed.
YOU ARE READING
Brooklyn 99: Jake Peralta x Reader
Fanfiction"Was it? 'Cause I know for a fact you also told her when you got back, and everytime you would, y/n would get 'confused' and then our relationship would get 'out-of-sync,' and if you ask me, I think it's because y/n liked you back" Elliot said. Jake...
