A nervous looking Terry was sat in a wheelchair being wheeled out by a nurse and you and Jake stood up.
"Hey, hey! How'd it go? Is his voice all high-pitched now?" asked Jake.
"What? No, of course not" said the nurse.
"Jake! Y/n! The doctor's made me into a superhero! I am so strong!" Terry gasped, and looked at his hands. "And they made me black!"
"He's on a lot of medication. We weren't able to do the procedure. Your friend is so large -" the nurse started to say.
"That you needed a bigger saw to cut through his dingus?" guessed Jake.
"No, his body is so physically massive that we didn't have enough anesthesia on hand. He needs a much larger dose" said the nurse.
"Psst... psst... Y/n" said Terry.
"Hmm?" you said, looking down at him.
"Sometimes I can't tell my baby twin girls apart, so I call them both 'boo-boo" Terry said, and you both laughed.
"Wow" said Jake. "So he has no filter whatsoever?"
"None" the nurse said.
"We're gonna take ya home now, Sarge. Hey, what do you think of Captain Holt?" Jake asked.
"He needs to smoke some weed" said Terry.
"Yes!" said Jake.
You started to wheel Terry towards the doors.
"Thank you, Nurse Penis-off" Jake said.
-------------------
"Okay, in ya go" you said and Terry crashed into some furniture.
"Whooo" said Terry. He grabbed Jake's head. "Dude, your head is so small! Like a - No, no, it is so small! Where do you keep your brains?"
You watched as Jake brushed Terry's teeth.
"All right, got your PJs on, read you a story, checked under the bed for monsters" you said.
"Check again" said Terry.
"And now it's sleepy-time, so here we go..." said Jake.
"Wait, wait, wait. You two gotta promise me you won't let them give me the operation. I wanna have more kids. I don't want the vasectomy. Promise me, tiny head! Promise me!" Terry said, and grabbed Jake by his jacket.
"All right, I promise. I promise" Jake said.
"Good. Because I'm not done with my testicles yet. I'm gonna let 'em sing!" said Terry enthusiastically.
Terry fell forwards, and pushed you and Jake on to the bed, lying on top of both of you.
-----------------
You, Jake and Terry walked into the bullpen, you and Jake wearing the same clothes as the day before.
"Uh-oh, walk of shame! Same clothes as yesterday" said Gina, looking away from her phone.
"We had to sleep at the Sarge's. It was horrible" you said.
"All right, let's get going and interview that suspect. I have my make up vasectomy this afternoon, so -" said Terry.
"I'm sorry, your what-what vasectomy?" Jake asked.
"Last night you told us you didn't want that. Then you fell on top of us and changed the shape of my skeleton forever" you said.
"No, I definitely want one. That was the drugs talking. I was high as a kite" Terry said. He grabbed Jake's head. "Did I do this and call you 'tiny head'?"
"Yes" said Jake.
"Some things are coming back to me now" said Terry.
"Oh, that's great" Jake said as Terry laughed and said "Tiny head."
"Jake, y/n, I am so scared that man is about to make a huge mistake, re: his vas deferens" said Gina.
"I know, he made us promise to not let him get that surgery" you said.
"And it wasn't just the drugs. He doesn't want this" said Jake. "And as his friends, it's our job to stop him."
Jake stood up, his back bones cracking and Jake groaning in pain.
"Sorry, Terry turned my spine into a loose stack of pebbles" Jake said.
------------------
Later, you, Jake and Terry were all at a restaurant with the owner of Drk Mlk's business partner, Gregory Phillips.
"He thinks I stabbed him? That's crazy" said Gregory.
"He said you were furious at him because he banned you the restaurant and called your business plans terrible" said Terry.
"The text reads: 'Your ideas are dumb-dumb batter in a stupid pancake, you steaming pile of human fences'" you read from a sheet.
"I assume that was auto-corrected from 'feces'" said Jake.
"Look. Partner's fight. He's difficult to work with, but I would never try and kill him" Gregory said.
"Where were you on Monday around 10pm?" Terry asked.
"Me and my business school buddies get together every Monday and have a couple beers. Also, there's a pilates studio with a huge window across the street so it's a pretty sweet view" answered Gregory.
"I guess that's not as bad as stabbing someone..." Jake said.
"I left around 10, took the subway home, got off at York Street around my house, puked on a statue, went to bed" Gregory said.
"Classy. All right, we've taken up enough of your time, enjoy the rest of your day and go back to your life as a 'pile of human fences'" you said.
"Okay, let's see if any of Drk Mlk's neighbors saw the pilates perv or anyone else fleeing the scene of the crime" said Terry as you left the restaurant.
"Copy that. We'll do some cop stuff, have a heart to heart about your vasectomy, cancel your vasectomy, grab some drinks, laugh about the time you almost got a vasectomy" said Jake.
"Stop worrying about my vasectomy, man. Maybe you should focus on your own body. When's the last time you had a carrot?" Terry asked.
"Well, it's my least favorite type of cake, so rarely" Jake said. "If I absolutely have to, I'll just eat the frosting."
"Hey! Cut it out, cake boy. You're making health insurance more expensive for everyone else!" said Terry.
"Yeah, well, you know what else drives up premiums? Unwanted genital removal!" said Jake.
YOU ARE READING
Brooklyn 99: Jake Peralta x Reader
Fanfiction"Was it? 'Cause I know for a fact you also told her when you got back, and everytime you would, y/n would get 'confused' and then our relationship would get 'out-of-sync,' and if you ask me, I think it's because y/n liked you back" Elliot said. Jake...
