The Song of the Sea

20. A Safe Space

It had been four days and Raephier had never felt so conflicted. The past four days on Jacob's ship had been both a dream and a nightmare all rolled into one. Being able to socialise with the crew and even help out doing small jobs on the ship, made Raephier feel things he didn't think he would ever feel again. He felt part of something. Like he belonged.

And he had friends!! Actual friends! James and Gabriel would actively search him out, especially at meal times, and would choose to sit next to him! Raephier could see that it would sometimes annoy Jacob when there wasn't a free seat next to him, but the thought of Jacob being jealous for some reason made his whole body feel warm and tingly.

So in just four days Raephier felt like everything in his life had turned itself upside down. He no longer hated the day time. In fact he loved it. But instead he dreaded the night time. Or maybe not the night time, but the evening, when he and Jacob would make their way back to his cabin. Because all of a sudden things had become really awkward between them.

Raephier blamed himself of course, because he was so worried about Jacob asking him about being a Siren, that he found himself becoming all tense in his presence and trying to deflect the conversation to other things, and then announcing that he was tired any time he thought Jacob might bring it up.

And then Raephier would spend the night cursing himself for being so selfish. Because Jacob needed to know that he wasn't going to be of any use. Because if he was relying on him, then Jacob would be unprepared to defend the ship in an attack and things could turn really bad.

It was that thought, the thought of James and Gabriel and Jacob being put in greater danger because of him that made him determined that he needed to speak to Jacob tonight. He'd been a coward for long enough, and he needed to tell Jaocb the truth.

The thought of doing that terrified Raephier. What if Jacob got angry? What if he threw him off the ship? What if he hated him?

When Raephier was being logical with his thoughts, he realised that none of the above were likely. Jacob wasn't a cruel man, and from what he'd seen, he didn't seem to lose his temper often either. But unfortunately the more likely reaction was even worse.

Everytime Raephier closed his eyes he could picture the disappointed look on Jacob's face when he learned the truth, followed by the look of fear and despair when he realised he would most likely not make it home to help his family. And Raephier couldn't bear the thought that it was him who would make Jacob look like that. Anger he could handle. He'd learnt how to deal with that. But letting down someone he cared about? That was a much worse kind of pain than any inflicted on Raephier before.

That evening, Raephier retired back to the cabin earlier than normal in order to give him some time to work out how to approach the subject with Jacob.

He paced up and down nervously, telling himself over and over that this was for the best, and that he had to do it for the sake of his new friends.

What he didn't expect was that just a few minutes later, Jacob entered, obviously also deciding to head to bed early today.

Raephier just stood still, staring at Jacob with his mouth open, wondering what on earth he should say.

But Jacob beat him to it.

"I noticed you came in here early tonight, and I hope you're not too tired because I think we really need to talk."

Raephier felt his legs begin to shake, so he slowly backed up until he felt the bed behind him, helping steady him.

"We can talk if you want," he said, trying to be brave.

Jacob started to pace up and down, just like Raephier had been doing a moment ago. Why was Jacob nervous? Did he know that...