True Happiness is rare (The Breakfast Club- John Bender)

Uncle Carl

Suddenly, claire speaks up in a flirtatious voice that makes me want to throw up,

"What's your name?" She asks Bender. I scoff, bender notices, and smirks.

"What's yours?" he asks. Avoiding her question and sending me a wink.

"Claire," she said.

"Ka-Laire?" he asks almost grossed out.

"Claire...it's a family name!" she tries to defend herself. It doesn't work.

" Nooo...It's a fat girl's name." Bender says to her.

" Well, thank you,"

"You're welcome." says bender.

"Not a compliment, babe!" I call towards bender. He just smiles mischievously.

Claire finally catches on, " I'm not fat!" she yells.

" Well not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density! You see, I'm not sure if you know this...but there are two kinds of fat people. There are fat people that were born to be fat, and then there are fat people that were once thin but they became fat...so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh..." he trails off. He starts to mime getting fat while making noises to represent what he's doing. Claire gives him the finger.

"Oh...obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl!" I say.

"I'm not that pristine!" claire scoffs. Bender bends down closer to Claire.

"Are you a virgin?" uh oh. Too far bender. "I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be...a white weddin?"

"Bender. Quit it right now," I say to him, but I doubt he'll stop.

"Why don't you just shut up?" claire asks him angrily.

"Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth?" he pauses. "Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off...hoping to God your parents don't walk in?" Claire is getting upset by his words, I can tell.

"Do you want me to puke?" she asks. Bender doesn't let up, though.

" Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin, 's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?" he continues his interrogation. Finally, someone else speaks up.

"Leave her alone!" yells Andrew. Bender slowly stands and faces him,

" I said leave her alone!"

"You gonna make me?" you know what bender, I will I think, and take my small taser out of my bag. I bought it for when my dad is drunk but you know it'll work for now too.

"Yeah," Andrew says. Bender walks over to where Andrew is standing.

"You and how many of your friends?

"Just the one," I say. And zap my taser. Not on him, but the thing is loud, so he heard it. He looks at me wide-eyed but continued.

" stay out of it," Andrew tells me.

"Just me, just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor! Anytime you're ready, pal!" he says turning back to the long-haired boy. Bender goes to hit him but Andrew gets Bender down on the ground with a wrestling move. I turn to Allison and hold out my hand.

"Pay up, Al." she sighs and digs in her bag to hand me five crumpled dollar bills.

"Thank you," I say mockingly sweetly, she just sighs.

"You always win the bets. I don't get how you do that."

"magic, "I say wiggling my fingers.

" I don't wanna get into this with you man," Bender, still on the floor, says. Andrew gets up.

"Why not?" he asks. Bender stands.

"'Cause I'd kill you...It's real simple. I'd kill you and your fucking parents would sue me and it would be a big mess and I don't care enough about you to bother."

"Chicken shit" Andrew scoffs turning away from Bender. Bender takes out a switchblade and opens it. Wait a minute... I pat down my pockets. Its gone,

"Bitch, that's mine!" I say. He just winks and stabs the switchblade into the table in front of me. I take it and put it back in my leather jacket.

"Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her...you don't look at her and you don't even think about her! Do you understand me?" Andrew asks.

"I'm trying to help her!" he says

"Like hell, you are," I mutter. He looks apologetically at me. Suddenly, muffled music and rattling come through the library. It's the janitor, carl. Or, otherwise known to me as uncle carl.

"Brian, how are you doing?" he asks. I don't think he's seen me yet.

"Your dad works here?" john asks.

"Uhh. that'd be a little shocking to me, to have a cousin that i don't know about. Hey, uncle carl!"

"Oh, hey cherry. Everything alright at home?" he asks. He's probably the only person in my family that actually cares for me. He's my moms' brother and has never liked my father.

"For now. Thank you uncle carl," I say.

"Uh, Carl?" bender starts,

"What?" he asks

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure,"

"How does one become a janitor?"

" You wanna be a janitor?"

" No, I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts."

" Oh, really? Do you guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Peon?Huh? Maybe so, but following a broom around after shitheads like you for the past eight years I've learned a couple of things...I look through your letters, I look through your lockers" bender looks scared by the thought of that, "...I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do...I am the eyes and ears of this institution my friends. By the way, that clock's twenty minutes fast! Bye cherry, tell me if you need anything."

Everyone groans. Bender and I smile. We knew the clock was fast.