over and over [Jacob black x OC] [[complete]] ..twilight..

12

I had gotten out of the hospital only three weeks into the school year, so I had time to catch up before it was too late. it was a fucking drag and without any of my favorite prescriptions, there was nothing to numb me from what I wanted to hide away. I started going for runs, pushing myself until I thought I would die. I would go as long as possible without eating just to feel the pain in my stomach and to commit to something. some nights ended with huge binges. I didn't initially react with purging, but slowly, over time, it became a way to find relief after a binge. binges weren't very frequent, though. maybe once a week or every other week.

I was extremely lonely. Edward had left just after Bella's birthday. she started to isolate and sit in her room all day. her night terrors were god-awful. if I ever needed sleeping meds, it was now. I tried to finesse my doctor for something I could have fun with, but he just gave me a non-addictive sleeping medication and recommended tart cherry juice. very boring and not worth the calories.

all throughout fall and the holiday season, my dad's house was highly dysfunctional. he didn't know how to make us better. if he could've, he would've. he didn't understand how or why we were like this. he felt ashamed. he felt like he failed as a father. often, he couldn't get either of us to attend dinner. Bella was shutting us out and I was shutting food out. more recently, I started to join him at the table. I felt bad that he was eating every meal alone. I wouldn't eat much if I would even eat anything at all, but he was thankful to have my company.

sometimes we would get into arguments. on more than one occasion, he'd threatened to send one or both of us home to our mother. we would immediately do whatever it was he was asking us to do in order to avoid this. anything but that.

I felt really sorry for him every single day. we were his cross to bear, and it was a lot to fucking bear.

around Christmas time, Bella started to go out a little with her friends and Jacob. for whatever reason, Jacob and I were still pretty distant. neither of us reached out to the other. Bella never asked me to come with her, either. we weren't actively hating each other but we didn't want to be around each other much either.

my time was divided into few categories: not eating, eating, doing homework, running, bathing, and sleeping. 80% of my time was spent not eating, bathing, and sleeping. I didn't have any goals. all I wanted to do was finish school, but then what? I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to work. I suppose I wanted to spend the rest of my time slowly killing myself in my fathers house until I withered away.

sometimes, if I was really desperate, I would steal over-the-counter medications from local pharmacies. I wouldn't hit the same place twice and I wouldn't steal more than one or two boxes. sometimes I would drive up to an hour away just to go someplace I would never go again.

so, no, I wasn't completely sober. I saved up for rainy days. I had to be careful, though, and careful, I was.

in January, when Jacobs birthday came up, I texted him.

me: happy birthday Jacob :~)

Jacob: thanks. miss u

me: I miss u too. maybe we can hang soon

no response.

sometimes I was afraid he was romantically interested in Bella. I wasn't sure she would ever fall in love again, but it still bothered me. it's not that I wanted to be with Jacob, but I was pissed that he would ignore me and try to mingle with my sister. that's shitty. I suppose I've been shitty, too.

in the mirror, my body was a nasty thing. I could see my hip bones, rib cage, and collar bones, but my belly was still fat. my thighs were still fat. my face was still fat. my arms and legs were decorated with ugly pink and white scars. it was no good anymore. it was hardly a body. it was a skeleton in human clothes. fat human clothes.

sometime in late January, Jacob came over for dinner. I was in my room when I heard his voice downstairs. Bella had been doing a bit better lately. she had gotten a job at a cafe nearby and was working on some project with Jacob all the time. sometimes she would ask if I wanted to go to his house with her, but I knew if I did, he wouldn't be comfortable. so I didn't.

before I went downstairs, I put on an outfit that would purposefully make me look less fat. a pair of thick grey leggings and a dark green sweater over a black tank top. I ran my fingers over my collarbones in the mirror, telling myself that Jacob would hopefully see how much skinnier I was now. maybe he would want me around more now.

when I went downstairs, everyone's eyes indicated that I shouldn't have. they looked at me like an ugly duckling. Jacob, much bigger than I remember, greeted me passively from the table where him and Bella were talking. Charlie was cooking ravioli at the stove.

I awkwardly took a spot on the couch, feeling a little trapped. I wanted to hang out with Bella and Jacob but I didn't think they wanted me around. if I went immediately back to my bedroom, I thought my dad would be a little upset. I pretended to read a book for school.

"Jake, why don't you show her a picture?" Bella said at the table loud enough for me to hear.

"yeah?" he said, looking over at me. he walked over and knelt beside the couch. he held his phone out in front of me, showing a picture of a pair of motorcycles in his garage.

"are these yours?" I asked, twisting to look at him. he nodded.

"nice. I didn't know you were into motorcycles."

"yeah, actually, your sisters been the one who's into them lately," he said, closing his phone and nodding towards Bella. "she found both of these. we've been fixing them up."

I watched him walk back to the table where Bella sat. she looked happier than she had in months. I wanted to throw a glass at her head.

Bella was really eating dinner. I counted six raviolis. Jake ate at least ten- and these are big fucking raviolis. I didn't pay attention to what my dad ate. I ate one with approximately a half cup of sauce. I was getting different eyes all across the table. dad wanted me to have more. Jake was confused at this change in habits. Bella thought I was putting on a show. she wouldn't know because she hasn't eaten with us in a long time.

after dinner, I laced up my shoes on the stairs to go on my second run of the day.

"where's she going?" I heard Jacob ask quietly from the kitchen where they were washing dishes. I didn't hear Bellas answer, it might have been a gesture.

I put my earbuds in and left through the front door. daisy by brand new played as I paced the street briskly, then turned into a jog when the song picked up.

on my way back, as I started to slow down, my chest felt a little funny. I probably should've taken it a bit easier. trying not to panic, I turned off my music and ran my fingers along my collar bones. as I approached the house, I took deep breaths.

when I reached the porch, Jacob stepped outside with Bella standing inside at the door. I looked up at him. I must have looked sweaty and feral like a wet dog.

he looked at me for a moment in the porch light. Bella walked away.

"I'm sorry," he said, catching me off guard. "I realize I was being really fucking stupid these past few months."

I shrugged. "I've been stupid my whole life."

he laughed and shook his head. "no, really. I'm sorry. I was an asshole."

"it's okay," I said quietly, looking sincerely into his eyes. he looked much more handsome lately, more manly.

"you should come by with Bella sometime. we'll show you how to fix a bike," he joked, standing still, not making any movements away from the conversation. I thought it was funny that he wasn't trying to leave as soon as possible.

"I don't know..." I trailed off, looking away. the strange feeling in my chest was gone. "that's not really my thing."

"okay, well," he sighed, looking out into the trees across the road. "whatever your thing is... I'd still like to see you again."

I nodded and gave a little smile. he looked back at me and returned the gesture.

"I'll see you later," he said, pulling his keys out of his jeans pocket.