over and over [Jacob black x OC] [[complete]] ..twilight..

22

I confessed my entire memory of the day with Edward without saying a word. he looked pained and confused as I remembered it all. My dad had just showed up ten minutes ago and was getting filled in on the "animal attack" by Carlisle. in the bathroom, I stood in front of the mirror and studied my neck. the spot that she bit was covered with a thick square bandage and the surrounding area was bruised bright blues and purples. I looked a little pale, but they told me my blood numbers were already back up to halfway the amount they need to be, which is apparently good. though I knew it was warm outside, I was freezing in my hospital room unless Jacob was beside me, which he mostly was. 

when I sat on the side of my bed, feet dangling, I watched Bella as she started to doze off in one of the chairs. it was well past midnight now. I told Edward to go ahead and take her home, I'd be fine with Jake and dad here. I told them to send sam and Alice home, too, but they wanted to come and see me first. Alice hugged me and rambled about how happy she was that I was okay and that she'd come back and see me the next day. sam wanted to come in and reassure me that  Victoria was really gone and him and Jared made sure of it. I was a little embarrassed that him and Jared had seen me naked and nearly dead on the forest floor, but I didn't mention it. I wondered which one carried me, unsexy and limp, out of the woods. after everyone left the room, Edward came back and asked Jake to step out for a second. Jake stood, but eyed him defensively. Edwards tired, gloomy eyes allowed Jake to drop his guard and he went down the hall for a cup of tea. 

Standing still at the foot of my bed, Edward finally made eye contact with me. his eyes looked hollow. "I don't know what to say," he finally said. "I'm just really glad you survived... even if you're not that thrilled about it. you know how much your sister loves you..."

I rolled my eyes. the only reason he was content I hadn't died is because his fiancé would've been distraught?

he shook his head. "no, absolutely not," he said, looking offended. "maybe you'd be happier right now if you were dead, I don't know, but you probably wouldn't feel anything. I guarantee you, one day, maybe a year, maybe five years from now, you'll be real fucking happy that you stayed."

I shrugged. "maybe," I mumbled.

"I know," he said quietly, "I've been there. many times. and sometimes, I look at Bella, and I think to myself, I have to be the luckiest person in the world to have been there and be here now."

I smiled a little at the thought. maybe I had a chance, someday. maybe this was the way things were simply meant to happen. 

"after all of these chances, don't give in now. that's all I have to say," he said and came over to the side of my bed. he smoothed my hair back and touched my shoulder for a moment, then turned and left. 

a moment later, Jacob came in through the doorway with two steaming paper cups. he set both on the table by my bed, one closer to me. "they're chamomile," he said, settling into the chair. "what was that about?"

I shrugged and pulled the covers over myself. I took a sip of tea and laid on my side, facing Jacob. "he says I was given another chance to be happy someday."

Jacob nodded, softening at the thought. he was always on the defense about Edward, always expecting him to do something. "I hope I can help," he said with a bit of a smile. "I'll do whatever it takes."

just then, my dad came into the room, looking tired and a little frazzled. 

"another animal attack," he sighed gruffly as he walked to the other side of my bed. "we've been getting these like crazy. I'm so glad you're okay, honey."

he leaned down and gave me a hug. he only really hugged me a few times, usually while I was dressed in a hospital gown. 

when I was let go from the hospital, Jake and Bella took me out to the diner for lunch. we talked about the wedding, which Jake was still a little hesitant to embrace, and my coming senior year. the two of them joked about the past, with the motorcycles and some hangouts I'd stayed home during. I sat next to Jake in our booth, taking a few sips of his black and white milkshake, sneaking a few fries here and there. I tried to enjoy things that used to make me so happy when we were younger. and thats the fucking thing; I'm still young. I felt the need to connect to life in a way that was normal for people my age, not through drugs or self harm or whatever. that shit was morbid.

Bella seemed really happy and she was much more relaxed than she had been recently. it seemed like Victoria was a looming threat I was kept in the dark about. I can't see why they'd tell me about her anyway, considering all of the shit I had going on all of the time. when would they even have the time? 

sometimes, when I saw her face in my passing thoughts, I felt a twinge of sadness. I wasn't sad that she was dead or that I'd never see her again. it wasn't a thought or feeling I even wanted to have. it was intrusive and it made me angry at myself. 

after we went home, Bella joined Jacob and I in the living room play Mario kart. Jacob was so much better at it than either of us. Charlie was sitting at the dining room table on his laptop, hopefully reading the news and not doing anything weird like engaging with women on dating websites or whatever men his age do. I'd convinced him to try the game out by using my controller during one of the rounds and he came in last place but had a fun time doing it. Jake tried to give him a rundown on the controller but it hardly helped. he sat with us and tried again the next round and came in tenth place. then he resigned himself again to his laptop. 

I imagined what life could be like if I really tried to be good. I thought if I gave it a good effort, I might be able to make it.