over and over [Jacob black x OC] [[complete]] ..twilight..

18

I don't know what, in particular, was bothering me on the day of Bella's graduation. it might have been the fact that my sister would be morphing into a strange cryptid that would eventually move away and leave me on my own. it might have been the news that she would never have children. it might have been the ongoing, never-ending pains of not having the drugs I needed to keep the sharp and jagged thoughts from bouncing around my head all day. I felt alone, even with my favorite people around me. I felt too much.

I kept newer wounds hidden in spots where clothing usually covered, like the top of my thighs. I sneaked around all day, finding time to smoke some weed until I could stand sitting still. Jacob sat beside me throughout the graduation. I tried to hide from my parents the best I could. it wasn't too hard. they were beaming at the mass of newly accomplished students. jasper had joked this was his twenty-fifth high school graduation. I couldn't believe someone would do this to themselves more than once.

the ceremony was a snooze. thankfully, at the Cullens house, there was ample time and space to wander off for smoke breaks. the stress of everything all compounding together was giving me a migraine, even despite the copious amount of weed I'd been smoking all day. I stole off to Carlisles quarters to find something that could help.

I snuck slowly and quietly into the room, glancing all around in the dim light. I couldn't turn a lamp on in the room or else risk getting caught. I did manage to find sample-sized bottles of a benzo, I don't remember which one. I dumped three of the small bottles into my bra so I wouldn't be rattling through the party. I also found some heavy-duty sleeping meds which I picked from as well. when I finally felt as though I had enough that I couldn't risk getting caught any more, I snuck back out of the room and into a nearby bathroom. in there, I packed my altoid tin with toilet paper so I could put the pills in there and avoid a rattling effect while I walked around. I took one benzo with water from the tap, thankful that my sobriety was, in effect, a tolerance break. I was set back at zero.

I lifted my swaying black dress to check on the wounds on my thighs. they were still angry and red. I felt the urge to break the mirror and ruin a perfectly good party, but decided to fix my dress and leave the bathroom. jasper was on the other side.

his eyes trailed all of me before settling on my gaze. he somberly, but politely, stated, "I was sent to find you. It's never hard to find your energy. it's so particular, like a scent..." he said, and as he said the final word, his eyes fell to my lower midsection. he looked highly disturbed in a strange way. "sorry, I, uh..." he turned quickly and was suddenly gone.

feeling confused, with this written all over my face, I walked back to the kitchen to watch the party from the large glass windows overlooking the back yard. the sun was nearly set now. everybody had finished up dinner and most were dancing now or surrounding the desserts table. it wasn't too large a group of people, maybe thirty or forty.

Alice was certainly having a blast. if this was her twenty-fifth celebration as well, I'm sure she was just as excited to party every other time. my sluggish memory resurfaced the situation with jasper outside of the bathroom. I wondered what that was about and where he had gone off to.

I could see Jacob and Bella talking and it didn't look good. she was talking to him the way she would talk to dad when she wasn't getting the answer she wanted. to say Jacob looked pissed off was an understatement.

for some reason, I just couldn't move. it wasn't only that I didn't want to (which I certainly didn't) but I couldn't. I was sad and a little embarrassed. it's hard to put into words what exactly the feeling was, but I simply thought I would die if I had to fake my way through an unpleasant conversation. I expected sentiments like, "next year, this will be you!" and, "have you began thinking about college, yet? I heard Bella got into Alaska State!"