over and over [Jacob black x OC] [[complete]] ..twilight..

16

very sexual content ahead

i imagined what my life could be if i dedicated my time and energy toward getting better.
it was hard to want. i didnt know what to want. i mostly felt bad for anybody who wanted me to get better and i wanted to rationalize why i didnt have to.
these daydreams of being a good teacher, a dutiful mother and wife, or even an author; none of it was worth getting better. i just wanted the pleasure of slow-burning self-destruction. i wanted to abuse drugs and starve myself in peace. i just couldnt make it happen. someone was always watching. someone had to constantly supervise my recovery as if it didnt even matter if i wanted to get better or not. my path was someone elses choice.
jacob had taken me out on a date one night in may during finals week. we walked around town and got lunch at a cafe. i ordered a salad with dressing on the side and left the nuts and cranberries on the plate, eating approximately two cups of spring mix lettuce and three apple slices. jacob tried to push fries and bites of his burger on me but i politely declined. it was getting increasingly harder to be polite at deliberate sabotage. i had forced-recovery weight to lose still.
he was in love with me, but it felt like he didnt want to be.
he had a sadness in his eyes that returned when i made cynical remarks about the future. i resented him for somehow making my self hatred feel more overwhelming than usual. not only was it a burden for me now, but for him, too. if i went on this way, it would ruin him. that was too much responsibility for me.
once, i drove myself to the cliffs where i had seen the boys dive. i stood there for two hours, watching the water crash violently against the rocks. i imagined my skin and blood painted on the sharpest edges. i imagined a world of mystery beneath the blue and white surface. i imagined a solution to this situation, but it didn't have any distinct features. it looked black and empty.

school felt lonely and sad anymore. i desperately wanted to drop out, but i thought it would only cause more uncertainty. i couldnt totally destroy all opportunity to get better. at this point, thankfully, i did finally have an IEP. necessary accommodations were made to improve my grades and help alleviate stress.

i had a few conversations with carlisle in his office about how i could get better. sometimes i desperately asked for one single prescription bottle of anything, but he wouldnt budge. he pressured me to create a beautiful life for myself. go for walks through the state parks. visit the botanical gardens. pick up new hobbies and styles of art. it wasnt enough. no walk through the woods felt like my previous prescriptions. nothing felt that good.

it was getting easier, over time, to be with jacob. we would just lay in my bed and watch movies when i had lower energy days. although i understood the implications of his love for me, we werent kissing or doing anything like that yet. i wasnt ready and he never pushed it. he asked me to initiate when i felt i was ready, if i ever would be.
smoking weed with him was still really nice. i think he continued to offer partly because it made me less cynical and depressive and partly because it was easier to get me to eat. i never had the foresight to abstain.
charlie knew little to nothing about how much time we spent together. edward and bella were in the house sometimes, but often they were at edwards place.

one night, towards the end of may, jacob and i laid in my bed watching scanners. charlie was at work, investigating more bear attacks or something. jacob and i were thoroughly stoned. my windows were open and there was a cool, rainy breeze. jacob was hugging me from behind, propped up with pillows so he could see the movie on my laptop screen on the bedside table in front of me.
"ada," he said quietly, causing me to turn my head to look at him. "i want you to know that i dont just love you because i was destined to."
i considered the sentiment for a moment.
"i loved you before i changed," he clarified with a quiet, soothing voice. "i always thought you were beautiful... funny, and just... very special."
i blushed at the thought, combing through past memories. "thats really sweet," i said gently.
i turned to lay on my back and twisted towards him. he looked handsome and strong in the dim light. until that point, i dreaded his love as if it were a heavy burden on my chest. it felt like something assigned to me that wasnt mine. it was beginning to feel like mine, though. something i could fall into tiredly.
"did you ever feel that way about me before?" he asked sincerely. "its okay if you didnt."
i shrugged, thinking about the times we spent together. "i always appreciated you. sometimes... i imagined what it would be like to be with you. i only ever neglected it out of fear.. that... everything would change... if it went badly," i said slowly, trying to formulate my thoughts into words before i lost them altogether.
his eyes brightened with a smile. he really was handsome. i felt lucky, suddenly. this might not be such a terrible thing, to be loved.
he brushed my hair at the root with his finger tips, moving it away from my face. he was so warm and pleasant beside me. magnetically, through some force not visible, i was pulled to his face, kissing him with passionate energy. i placed my hands at the back of his head, pressing my mouth against his. my heart beat loudly in my throat.
he enthusiastically returned the gesture, lacing fingers from one hand into my hair, breathing shallowly as he moved intentionally. he artfully licked at my mouth with his tongue as if he knew exactly what to do to melt me into the bed beside him. i was moving with hardly any conscious thought. my body was doing all of the thinking.
this lasted some amount of time unmeasurable in numbers. i shifted my body on top of his, breathing shallow and fast. i sat myself over his crotch, jeans on jeans. even through those layers, we were both throbbing desperately. i could feel his hard dick through his pants and i teased it mercilessly, gently thrusting against him. as i was leaning over his chest, kissing him, he pulled back on my hair so he could part his face from mine. my mouth fell open with a gasp. i opened my eyes and saw his tortured eyes.
"you're fucking killing me," he whispered with hot breath. i leaned my head against his hand to ease the tug at the root of my hair. i would do anything for him in that moment. i told him that as i slid myself further down his thighs in order to unbutton, unzip and help shimmy off his pants. beneath his black briefs, the outline of a dick much bigger than i expected was nearly jumping out of the waist line.
i shimmied those off as well and my
eyes bulged and mouth gaped at the size of it. he laughed.
i was stoned enough to put the thing in my mouth, knowing fully well it would probably only take a minute or less for him to cum. i think i was right but it was hard to keep track of time. i didnt care to, either.
he pulled me off of him and gasped there for a moment, just catching his breath in euphoria. he then slid down the bed a bit so his back was flat and his head wasnt propped up by any pillows. he used his hands on my butt to pull me towards his face, which i happily moved closer to. he pulled me down against his mouth, first gently, then enthusiastically swirling his tongue inside me. i gasped in ecstasy, crumpling in on myself, clutching at my headboard weakly. "fuck," i breathed, moaning loudly. i rocked my hips back and forth, which made the feeling almost unbearably good. we did this for a little while and i couldnt believe he was able to breathe. when i felt myself get closer to climaxing, i begged him not to stop, running a hand through his hair and clenching it at the root. we both found a combination of motions that worked perfectly together. i swirled my hips in a circular motion and he gripped my thighs tightly as he licked determinedly. i moaned so loud i was almost shouting as i came, gasping and twitching on his face.
i tossed myself down on the bed, completely content and dazed out of my mind. he picked up a towel hanging on the hook on the back of
my door and wiped his face off with it before rooting through his backpack, then returning to the bed. he held two purple condom wrappers in his hand with an eyebrow raised above me. i nodded eagerly, turning to position myself on my back, facing him. i didnt have time to think about how we ended up here, i just needed him inside of me as soon as possible. he didnt waste any time rolling the condom onto his dick, then climbing onto the bed until he was positioning himself carefully at my waist. he slid in easily, but too quickly and deeply. i literally yelped.
i covered my face with my hand and he backed out quickly.
"i'm sorry," he said quickly, worried. "did i hurt you?"
i grabbed at his hips and led him back towards me. "no, get back here," i groaned with a smile. he leaned down and kissed me as he reentered, slowly this time. my hand flew back over my mouth and i laid there in complete ecstasy. i couldnt move at all as he thrust in and out of me, increasing in passion. he looked down at me with serious eyes. i fell in love with him at that exact moment.
this had never happened to me in any other hook up before, but we both came at the exact same time, hugging each other tightly, moaning in each others ears, kissing and shaking together. after a ten minute break, we had sex again. neither of us could stand to stop long enough to catch our breath.