→ 𝐖𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐏𝐚𝐬𝐭┊Suicide Boy Fanficion

Chapter 13: Love is more cruel than college entrance exams

We hug.

I don't even know how long we hug.

It feels so good I don't want to let go.

My guilt is overwhelming as well. And shame.

I understand he wound me, but why do I feel more connected to him?

Why do I want to spend time with him?

Is it because I'm a terrible person?

I don't know if I can handle this.

The most significant thing is that I'm not alone anymore, right?

As Heemin nuzzles more into our hug, I feel my hoodie getting wet.

"Hey, are you okay...?" I ask while gradually relaxing our hug so I can look at his face.

"I thought you hated me," he said with tears drowning his face.

"...",  I look at him with a sad expression, "I explained it before; I don't hate you."

"B-But." His voice trembles. And his breathing is getting quicker. "Why. Do I. Want to be with you so much? Why did I feel I couldn't live without it? Breathe without you. Do you know how fucking hard it was, Hooni?"

"I... I don't know."

"That was what I wanted to hear."

With a somber face, Heemin pulls away and looks at me.

I ache with so much sadness. So much pity. I recognize why he's asking me this. He wants to know if I feel the same way and if I feel something for him too.

"I love you," I say.

He doesn't state anything in response. He's too distraught.

I know I shouldn't have remarked that.

"I didn't mean to say that," I say, "I was just--"

"I know," Heemin ceases me.

He looks down.

"I'm sorry," I say, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't. Please, I need to know. Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"I love you too. I love you so much."

His expression is broken and sorrowful as he stares at me. There is a sense of dejection in his eyes. So heartbroken.

I want to hug him again, to console him, but he's looking away from me.

The last thing I want to do is to add to his suffering.

"Hooni?" he says while he turns to me.

"Hm?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"I--" I get captivated back by his question and blush deeply.

"Please."

"....Okay."

A gradual placement of his lips onto mine occurs as Heemin leans in, shifts his head to the side, and leans in more.

It's my first kiss ever.

It's not a romantic kiss, not a passionate one, not even a kiss that causes me to want to do something.

It's a sad, awkward, and pathetic kiss.

The most important part of it all is it's with Heemin.

We were together once more.

I don't know if I can stand the heartache anymore.

After our kiss, we merely stay there.

We don't state anything.

Looking at the kitty who's sleeping soundly as we intertwine hands.

Even though I wouldn't ever imagine that any of this would ever happen, I appreciate it.

I feel warm inside, the type of warmth that is addicting. The first time I felt like this in my entire life.

After a few minutes of silence, we finally break it.

"I'm going home now," I say.

"Me too."

We separate.

I walk away from him.

I don't look back as I leave.

I have to process all of this. I have to let it sink in.

I didn't lose him.

I gained him back.

I know I should hate him, but I don't.

He deserves better.