My Lovely Life - The Story of Ethan Bennett

Chapter eleven - Untitled

I keep my eyes closed. What the hell just happened? The pain has slowly started to resurface and the confidence that I've slowly built up during these last few months just evaporated. I remember how I liked myself, how I could in secret think of myself with someone... Who wasn't Sophie. Now I feel like she did the right thing by cheating on me. I was never good enough. She was always somewhere else and I loved the tiny moments I got with her, but they were never complete. When we got together we were so small. I asked her out because I thought her hair was pretty and she smelled like apples. She was the ray of sunshine no one could quite catch. If you were to ask her, I know she would say I had all of her. If I did, why would she cheat on me? I wasn't insecure in our relationship. I'd see the looks sometimes, but I thought it was only jealousy. Maybe if I'd been better? If I was nicer to her? If I gave her more attention? I remember Brandon telling me once that she seemed hard to catch. I always thought I had her. Now I know I didn't. We were good though. I'm sure I could've been better, but for a little while, we were really good. I told her I loved her. I did love her. So much. That first love you have when you're kids. You usually don't recognize it. I didn't at first either, but sometime later I did. The kind of love that mostly consists of admiring and wanting to spend time with the other person, rather than that intense attraction and gravity force that pulls the two of you together. My mind starts spiraling, going really dark places, just like right before I lost my memories. I wonder where that book went. I think I tossed it into the pond. Oh, that book. It was Laura who got it for us a couple of months after we officially announced that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Sophie Alistair and Ethan Bennett. The front page was red. Then one day when we were just hanging out doing nothing she started cluttering on the cover. Little doodles, hearts with arrows in them, and our letters together. E&S. We took pictures of us, of the gang and put them in there. Writing little notes to each other. We would take turns having the book. She could write pages upon pages of what we did that day and I would describe where I would take her when we got older. We talked about when and where we would get married. On a beach or in the forest, was her suggestion. I wanted it to be in a game hall. Matthew did too. I think he and Diana wanted to be like us, that's why they got together the first time. Then we would make up a double wedding because Diana had seen one of those in a barbie movie. We all decided that it would take place inside Happy Cat where we would have two cakes and all the candy one could eat. Then we would have the afterparty down on the beach with water slides and bouncy houses.

"Ethan? Are you awake?" Matthew asks me. He rode with me in the ambulance into the hospital. I was glad he was there. There was nothing wrong with me, but they still wanted me to stay for a couple of hours so that they could track all my levels if something were to go wrong.

"Yeah, I'm here," I say. He let go of his breath in relief. "What?" I ask.

"I was afraid... " He begins and I open my eyes to look at him. He's sitting in an uncomfortable-looking chair in the corner of the small hospital room. "...that maybe you'd forget everything again."

"No... Not yet, at least." I say, sounding a bit more sour than intended.

"Are you alright? Do you remember anything new?" He asks.

"Do you mean anything from that night?" I say as my throat starts feeling dry.

"Yeah... Like did you hit your head or something?" He says, trying to bring humor into the conversation but failing miserably, seeing as neither one of us seems to be in the mood. He looks tired.

"You remember that book Sophie and I had? With all our pictures and so on?" I ask, hoping he can't hear the pain in my voice as I try to lace it over with bitterness. "I threw it in the pond."