THE GIGAS

Isolation

The outside feels alot like my insides, numb and cold.

Winter blows fiercely outside. The high snow banks swirling with scattered loose snowflakes. Soft whiteness blanketing both the ground and the sky.

Everything looks dead outside, the wind cutting into everything.

I feel deep sadness in the pit of my heart.

I cry often.

I think of him and my baby alot.

And about how I am not ready.

How I can not take care of the baby in my situation.

And the only reminders left is my leaking boobs, squishy tummy and a puffy vulva.

No stretch marks crisscross across my body and no baby cries in my arms.

I had to leave my baby behind.

Knowing that I am leaving them to the best person possible.

He will be more able to care for him, protect him, and love him.

Or her, than me.

Now since we've gotten back.

My brother Joseph stares at me sadly but says nothing.

Sigh.

Junior thinks I have already lost my mind.

And Ruth doesn't know what to do so she ignores me.

Good thing they are both gone for the winter. Its just me and Joseph, alone now. They left with Logan and Skylar on a mission to take off the collar and ring.

He told me I had to rest.

Rest for like one month at a minimum.

So here I am quarantining in my room, sulking.

All the while tiny alien machine animals hide under my bed, pumping my milk out and leaving. Marching out like ants on a secret mission.

Switching back and forth with one another, so that atleast one alien machine is with me at all times.

They do that 4 to 5 times minimum everyday. Where they go, who knows?! What they do with my milk? I don't know either.

My nipple looks darker and more stretched out than before.

The unexpected changes of my body are disturbing despite reading all the information I was given.

The first time pumping milk hurt like hell but it was better than the uncomfortable rock hard sensation of my boob hurting.

Why do none of the books and pamphlet the midwife gave me mention these things?

She should really put a p.s.a for all the newly birthed people of hey you're boobs will be a leaky sensitive mess and you will feel like the world's largest land animal even if you aren't plus stuff will change colors or something.

The healing drones were already here when I woke up and they keep sending soundbites in his voice from him to me.

It's both comforting and creepy at times.

His voice calms me but also irritates me.

My hormones have been allover the place really.

I wanted to see him sometimes so badly but, then I'd get angry and change my mind about wanting to see him at all.

It's rough.

A small soft knock came from my door interrupting my morbid thoughts.

It must be Joseph.