figure my heart out // muke

3

The bright white lights hung from the ceiling of the wide industrial storage house and shon down on the lines of second-hand racks stocked up with donated clothes. Today, I personally wasn't interested in purchasing any new clothes for myself even though I had a long trip ahead of me with probably a low chance at stopping at a nearby laundromat.

I gracefully strolled, embracing my inner Lana-Del-Rey-Soft-Boy-Thrift-Store-Aesthetic mindset. I don't know what it is about thrift stores, they always draw me to them. There's just something about borrowed things that makes me excited to burrow through them to see what treasures I find. It makes me think about the past lore of the items at hand: Where did they come from? Did the person die? Why did they give this away? My mind always seems to trickle back to the morbid side of it, which I'll admit is not helping with my constant fear of dying and the pushing anxiety that causes it.

I skimmed my index finger along the cream coloured shelf that carried some old and possibly broken electronics. Sometimes I would have a gaze, searching for an old gaming console device from the 80s/90s or anything else that was vintage. Today, that wasn't my mission. I had my head set on collecting a few CDs that we could blast in the car to syphon the silent atmosphere we were going to be put in.

As I arrived, I crouched down as my eyes skimmed through the stacks of CDs placed on the shelf. My eyes finally stopped on a stack that had Nevermind by Nirvana, The Colour and the Shape by Foo Fighters, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance, 5 Seconds of Summer by 5 Seconds of Summer and The 1975 by The 1975. I carefully picked each individual CD out of the stack, making sure not to pull a big scene and accidentally knock the stack down like a losing game of Jenga. All CDs were 25c each, which was a steal.

Once I collected all the CDs I wanted into a neat pile in my hands, I started making my way up to the counter. My eyes were glued to the floor and I usually had trouble keeping eye contact with people for long periods of time. Even for my job, which involves a lot of intimate engagement, I seem to only stare at their face but never at their eyes.

After waiting behind a few people checking out their things, I noticed there was only one young man attending to the check-out counter. From my own understanding, this is purely volunteer work. You work at thrift stores for the good of it all, not for money. And let me tell you a little secret about me: I don't do anything for free.

It was finally my turn, I place the CDs on the counter for the man to scan. "Hello, how's your day going?" That all too familiar voice welcomed. This time this attitude was different - perky and smiley instead of an upset growl.

I stared at him, not knowing the exact emotion of how I was feeling but I knew from his view I was an innocent deer caught in a set of burning car lights. "Good." I quietly replied, waiting for him to ring up the price as he tapped on the screen.

"Alright," he smiled a pearly white grin at me, "Your total comes to 1 dollar. Paying by card or cash?" His tone was catching me off guard, was he really being this nice to me after the altercation we had a couple of days ago?

"Uhh, cash" I awkwardly pulled my slim, black leather wallet out of my back pocket and fumbled with it. Pulling out a dollar bill and handing it to him. He grabbed and placed it in the til. I watched him slam it closed and gently push the neat pile of CDs my way, purposefully admiring what I had just bought.

"Hmm, 5 Seconds of Summer" he muttered amused, "never heard of them before."

I chuckled as I replied, "Me neither, but I'm going on a roadtrip with a few mates and thought that it would be a great icebreaker to listen to something new."

He smiled with his lips closed and looked at me, "That's funny, I'm going on a roadtrip too. This weekend actually."

"Ahh, well" I chuckled again more nervously now, looking down at the stack of CDs and sliding them off the counter with my two hands clasped on either side. I looked back at Luke, getting a clearer vision of him in the light. I noticed his eyes before anything else. They were baby blue and distracting. I'd never seen a shade of blue so interesting to admire unlike his. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?" I gently smiled while trying to end the interaction.

But it didn't end there. His eyebrows knotted and nose scrunched up in confusion, then he raised an eyebrow at me. "Uhh sorry? I'm not free to go anywhere with a stranger let alone a customer on Saturday as I'll be busy. If you're also suggesting that we should go on a date too, then it's a double no." He ranted.

I was more than confused at this point, did he not remember me? I mean I would of thought at least Calum would notify him of my attendance on this roadtrip. Maybe he just couldn't put a name to a face, maybe he couldn't put my name to my face. Maybe he didn't even know it was me who would be spending a hell ride to nowhere with him. I'll confess that despite the position we were in, that it hurt he didn't recognise who I was from the party. Maybe he was too fuck-faced to even remember anything from it and that meant I was the only one who remembered our first meeting, he'd only memorise this one as a first impression.

"Okay firstly, pretty boy" I shot back, using his own not-so-degrading insult as a nickname for himself, "You're not my type. Secondly, you're going to be in for a massive shock on Saturday"

His expression was unimpressed, his underlying eye bags drooping low beneath his eyes. I could tell he was exhausted, probably wanting this interaction to end so he could continue his shift. "Sure, whatever you say." He rolled his eyes, "you're not going to get a chance with me even if you tried. You're not my type either and I'm not even into guys." He spat back with a bit more venom this time.

I couldn't help but feel amused. The Luke Hemmings who I'm pretty sure was the receiver of a hickey on his neck by a man and who said to my face that he was going to be fucking a man just said he wasn't into guys. What a pretentious fuckface and a liar.

Luke continued, "Now if you'll move so I can finish my shift at this lousy place and serve these lovely people behind you, that would make my day a hundred times better." I knew by the fake smile he beared and the default customer service voice emphasising my potential rudeness was my cue to leave.

I spun around on my feet and quickly exited the store, slightly embarrassed by what just occurred.

I mean I wasn't rejected by him exactly but I wasn't accepted either. Maybe Calum was right, that Luke and I spending a whole trip together was a bad idea. That we would rip eachother apart and inevitably this would result in murder.

As I got to my car, which was a very faded and slightly banged up Honda Civic, I climbed into the driver's seat and closed the door, placing the CDs on the passenger seat and not really caring if they fell over. I rested my crossed arms onto of the steering wheel and nudged my head in them.

Am I really that forgettable?