figure my heart out // muke

21

We waited for outside of the car for Ashton's phone call to end. I was leaning against the car with my arms comfortably crossed against my chest. Luke was beside me, scrolling through his phone and Calum was in front of us pacing back and forth in boredom.

I tried looking over his shoulder at what Luke was looking at on his phone but he shielded his screen with his palm. "No peeking." He laughed.

"Why? Scrolling through my instagram again?" I entertained, a smile fighting to be shown on my face.

"Mayybee." He dragged.

Finally Ashton had hung up the phone and made his way over to us with a spring in his step. "BETTIE IS BACK IN BUSINESS, WOOO!" He roared, throwing his hands up in the air in celebration.

Luke switched off his phone with a 'click' and slid it into his front pocket. He squinted one eye in concentration as he asked, "What?"

"My van, my baby, my BETTIE - has been fixed. She's out of the shop and that means we're going to have to cut this roadtrip short so I can be reunited with her." He excitedly explained, "That also means that I have to hand this rental car back at the start of next week sooo we have to start heading back."

"But what about our shopping trip?!" Calum exclaimed, waving his arms in confusion towards Ashton. "You promised me a shopping trip."

Ashton sighed, still with a thin-lipped smile at Cal, "Of course, anything for you baby."

He winked and Luke held his finger up to his mouth and dry-retched. "Disgusting." I jokingly retorted. Joining in on Luke's banter, which made both Calum and Ashton turn to each other with quizzical expressions and then back to us.

"You guys good? Like you actually resolved your issues?" Calum proded.

Luke and I glanced at each other and then back at Calum shrugging. "Okay well we have to get going to fit this shopping stop into the trip back." Ashton ended the conversation and waved everyone into the car. The car ride was pretty much the same as it's always been, except this time Luke didn't use me as his footrest (which I was kind of upset about). He curled up his legs into his chest and was scrolling through his phone as he bit his finger nail.

As we arrived at the mall, it was a pretty large mall in parameter. It wasn't like anything we'd seen before as the roof had an encased hexed dome on top. We all got out of the car and walked into the shopping center, it was pretty busy but it didn't bother us. We decided to split up in two groups: Calum and Ashton who went right, and Luke and I who chose to go left.

Luke and I paced in silence, not really knowing where we were going. We both ended up stopping in front of this gender-nonconforming clothing store called 'Phuse', it intrigued us. We shrugged and mimed at each other to go in as we browsed the clothes along the racks. The store was painted all black with white LED lights lining the edges of the ceiling.

My hands stopped on this pretty, short yellow floral skater dress, I smirked as I pulled it off the rack by its coat hanger and showed it to Luke, "I think this would look good on you." I yelled over the blasting store music. He looked at the dress and laughed.

He ended up pulling out a short black pleated skirt and grinned as he showcased his find by waving a hand around it, "You would look hot in this." He earned a laugh from me as we decided to head for the changing rooms and traded the items of clothing for each other to try on.

Our changing rooms were opposite from each other. It had a mirror glued to the back wall and I couldn't help but look at myself. I was so insecure about my body at times and that was ironic since I used my body as a vessel for my sex-filled job. I shouldn't be insecure but nakedness is the most vulnerable place to be put in for everyone.

I tugged my jeans off and slipped on the skirt over my jocks, praying it would fit. Fortunately for me, Luke had somehow got the correct size. I posed in the mirror as I had to agree with Luke's compliment, I did look hot in this skirt. I looked fucking sexy. Maybe I should start wearing skirts more often.

I heard the changing room unlock from behind me and I assumed it was Luke so I unlocked mine to see Luke in the floral dress I had picked out for him. "Fuck," Was all I could mutter. The dress fit him perfectly and he looked so happy wearing it. I was so distracted admiring his beauty that I hadn't of realised that his jaw had dropped and he was standing right in front of me. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. It confused me at first, why was he hugging me? And then I decided to hug him back. His body was warm and my fingers lightly scratched the bare skin of the bottom of the back of his neck.

His mouth lingered in front of my ear as he whispered, "You look so fucking good." I couldn't help but smile as my cheeks started burning up at the reassurance.

"You look stunning," I replied, "I love how the dress looks on you."

He pulled away from me slightly, his hands positioned on the sides of my shoulders. He half-smiled at me, his eyes sparking like the stars we gazed on at the beach. "Can I kiss you?" He asked me, and internally I freaked out. He asked to kiss me. He asked for my own permission to kiss me.

"That's different, I thought you would of just gone and kissed me." I blurted out my thoughts under my breath and of course he heard and laughed.

"You told me I was different, so I am becoming different."

"Kiss me, you loser." I rolled my eyes at him as he flashed a toothy grin and placed his lips gracefully upon mine. I sunk into the kiss and fuck, it felt so fucking right.

He pulled away a bit, his hands tracking to the bottom of my chin and rubbed my cheek with his thumb. "Do you want me to keep kissing you?" And I shook my head as I grabbed his wrist and took a step back.

"No, we should probably return these items back on their racks."

His mouth turned into a childish pout, "But I want you to stay in that skirt."

"And I want you to stay in that dress," I responded with a smile, "I don't have enough money to afford this."

"I'll pay."

"No."

"Let me pay."

"No."

"You're stubborn." He shook his head with a sarcastic smile.

"You're stubborner." I retaliated.

The playfulness lingered until Luke gave in and chose to not buy them (which I jokingly congratulated him on making his first good decision and that earned me an eye roll). We went into our designated changing rooms and got dressed back into our usual clothes. Once I was finished getting dressed, I laid the skirt over my arm and stopped in front of the changing room door.

I had one task: unlock the door once and walk out. I reached my hand down to the lock and squeezed my eyes shut as I rotated the knob until I heard a click to notify me that it was unlocked.

A part of me wanted to continue the ritual of the usual locking and unlocking routine as intrusive thoughts filled up my brain with all the bad scenarios that could happen if I didn't twist that knob several thousand times. Although, this time was different. I had a distraction and a goal, Luke. It took everything in me to hold back the urges and to do this for Luke, even though he probably wouldn't of cared about how big of a step forward this was for me. I creaked open the door and walked out to see a smiley Luke.

"Proud of you," He said as I was astonished, did he read my mind?

"W-what?" was all I could stutter out as he returned a wink at me.

"The click only happened once, you held back! I'm so proud of you for overcoming that!"

"I held back this one time," I said, weighing the conversation back down to reality. "I will probably do it again. Unfortunately, recovery isn't linear."

"I know." He says and nods, "But you got through it this time meaning you can get through it again. You are changing," He paused, "For the better."