figure my heart out // muke

19

I had terrible sleep last night. As soon as I got back to the car, it was locked. The only face I could see through the window was Luke's staring back at me with tear-stained anger. This was his revenge on me, locking me out in the cold (literally).

It was now around 10:30am and I was making my way from the toilet blocks towards the picnic bench where Calum, Ashton and Luke were sitting with fish and chips sprawled out on some paper. I was forced to take a seat next to Luke and I made sure to keep some distance between us since the air around us felt tense and thick.

"Want a chip, Mikey?" Ashton pointed to the chips in front of him while gnawing on one himself.

I shook my head, "No, I'm not that hungry."

"Really?!" Calum exclaimed, "Both you and Luke not being hungry? Is something wrong?" Calum's expression went from absolute shock at our lack of appetite to worry in the span of two seconds.

I looked down at the table, trying my best to avoid eye contact with everyone. I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't want to talk about it." I say, scratching the back of my neck.

"Aww, did you two have an awkward fuck or something?" Ashton cooed, trying to tease us both but I just tensed up. Why couldn't Ashton just read the fucking room.

"He wishes." Luke piped up, and for some reason it made me more pissed he was feeding into Ashton's tease.

"Yeah, you probably wish you were fucking that Lukas guy right?"

"He seems to have a bigger dick so-"

"Can we stop with all the sex jokes and implications?" My voice raised a little as my eyes darted around the table waiting for their reactions. They all seemed startled by my unexpected outburst, all apart from Luke who just sat there quiet.

"Why?" Ashton asked, this time his tone was more innocent.

I swivelled my body around to face Luke, lifting my left leg over the seat so I was straddling it. I glared at him, not knowing if what I was about to say was more for revenge sake for last night or because I genuinely wanted him to get help.

"Luke is struggling with a sex addiction," I blurted out.

I watched Luke freeze, his muscles clenching and the energy shifted. I didn't feel instant regret this time, just anger surging through my blood.

"Wait, you have a sex addiction?" Calum leaned in more, eager to find out if this was true or not. I hated how he whispered 'sex addiction' like it was some curse or something taboo.

"No." Luke managed to strangle out.

"Why are you lying, Luke?" I shout in frustration, "This is your opportunity to reach out and get help."

"I don't need help!" Luke snapped at me, his face full of fury. "I am fine. I am totally fine."

"Luke, bud." Ashton started, "Why didn't you tell me earlier? I've got a friend who works at the rehabilitation centre that can give you all the resources you need to recover. You know this."

"I hate you." Luke seethed at me as he turned to face Ashton. "I said, I don't need help. I don't need to go to rehab. I am absolutely fucking fine."

"Luke you can tell me if you have a sex addiction. You know I'm always here for you to help you get better. I will help you get better. I've been beside you when you've been at your lowest point and have assisted in taking care of you." Ashton reasoned, "There's no shame in wanting to recover from this."

I watched on with this back and forth of persuasion but none of it was getting through to Luke. I didn't quite understand why Luke was so adamant in rejecting help. He told me he wanted to get better: not for me, not for anyone else but for himself. For some goddamned reason he wanted to keep his facade up and I so wanted to tear it down so I could try to help him. I guess you can't help people who don't want to be helped.

"You know what?" Luke smacked his hands down on the table and stood up. "I'm done. I'm so fucking done." He then turned to me as he leant down and wagged a finger in my face. "I fucking trusted you. I can't believe I even told you." He then climbed over the seat and walked off to the car. He opened up the front door to the passenger seat and slammed it shut with a big 'bang'.