figure my heart out // muke

9

I heard the door close, meaning he was not joking about us having sex tonight. A part of me was feeling vibrant, excited to finally have a new fuckbuddy and to get the cash that I oh so desperately wanted out of him.

At this point I was just in my boxer briefs (of course they were in black) fiddling around with my fingers and facing away from Luke's bed. My knees were pressed up against mine and I waited for him to make the first move.

"How much?" I heard him ask behind me, my head slightly turning to my left to answer him back.

"100," Now usually I don't ask for that much. My prices were pretty low depending on what was being served. I only said $100 to see if he would follow through with it. Of course I'd keep the $100 either way because it's $100? Who would pass up $100 at the chance given?

Out of the corner of my eye, he fumbled with his wallet and I was boiling with anticipation. "Here's your payment," he held out the $100 bill inbetween his index and middle finger for me to take. I swivelled around and took it, surprised at how willing he was to slide me a bill without question. "Just ride me and grind this hard on out, I need relief."

He was just standing in nothing but his standard short, black boxer briefs. "Your wish is my command." As I placed the $100 on the nightstand next to my hotel bed and directed him to lay on his back on his bed. This was the normal process of how nights like these go for any client. I ordered them to sit, lay or stand in certain positions so I could treat them to ultimate pleasure. I climbed up on the bed and straddled him, making sure I looked at his nose and not into his eyes when staring down at him. He was grinning and it seemed like he didn't really know where to put his hands so he just decided to rest them by the sides of his head. "Ready?" I smiled.

"Ready." he responded. I gripped his wrists as I began lowering my torso down so I was now hovering over him horizontally, using my knees pressing against the sides of his legs and my elbows to prop me up. I slowly started to create friction by thrusting my pelvis onto his. Instead of looking at his nose like I originally implied, I started to stare at the wall behind his head. His eyes were too distracting, and fuck me if I was going to get distracted tonight.

My ears were being filled with soft pants and moans as I kept grinding. "Sooo..." I started my usual icebreaker, "How was your day?".

"Good," Luke spoke breathlessly, "How was yours?"

I froze at the question. No one had ever asked how my day was, nor had they even bothered to get to know more about me. They just wanted sex without the strings attached and I won't lie, I did too.

Luke laughed at, what I assumed, my stiffness as he slung his right arm around my waist and pushed me down onto him. A moan escaped from my mouth which made me a little embarrassed. I was the one supposed to give him pleasure, not the other way around. "Did I make you speechless again?" he awed.

A blush crawled on my face as he teased those words. Why was he being so interactive and inclusive with me when all I am simply doing is my job? Does he not get it?

My eyes darted down catching those damned blue eyes staring at me in pleasure, his soft pants still tickling my ears. He had now positioned his hands on either side of my waist guiding me - up and down up and down up and down.

He was now taking control of the situation and I was now freaking out internally. My breathing hitches, the feeling is so good. His eyes kept staring at me as this guilt stoned my gut. I felt like I was going to cry. This was not how this was meant to go. I was supposed to take the money, fuck him and then carry on with my life. I knew I couldn't continue this. I lied to him. I overcharged. This was definitely my worst performance. He looked so unaware of it all. Unaware that I was taking him for granted because he believed the pleasure I was giving held a real connection. It was all just a trip line, a trap. I had him in the palm of my hands, but was that really what I wanted now?

"I'm close" He whispered, his pupils growing large. I panicked.

My breathing turned into hyperventilations as I quickly sat up to straddle him, his hands were loosely on my waist as I blinked away the tears that were about to drop. I needed to be strong in this moment, I never cried during sex. Focusing on emotional intimacy during sex wasn't something I wanted to bond over, that meant a connection was being formed. That meant I felt something for them - even if it was just pure sympathy.

"I can't..." I croaked, my eyes invested in my thumbs fighting match, "I can't do this to you..."

I placed my hands on either side of him, letting the smooth white bedsheets glide me off of him and off the end of the bed. He was staring at me, still lying down and catching his breath. His eyebrows furrowing at me, "What?"

I couldn't look him in the eyes, I could barely even look at him.

He sat up a bit, leaning on his elbows for support. "You can't just stop when I'm about to finish?"

I chuckled, more to myself. I knew better than this. I knew better not to just stop before my client climaxed. This was the only exception though, I didn't want to keep playing him like putty in my hands. Not when his eyes paint me blue.

"Maybe you should of read the fine print," I gulped, still avoiding his frustrated gaze, "I can leave whenever I want and I do this on my time," my voice started to pick up with anger, my eyes directed at him, "I DO THIS ON MY TIME!" I yelled at him.

This time he pushed himself up with his arms to fully sit up, "I don't think it's your job to leave your customer unsatisfied." he spat like venom and it stung.

"No refunds." I stern.

I watched Luke wrap his arms around himself as he looked at the wall beside him. His face was expressionless. For the first time, I felt bad for giving someone sex. Not because of him, but because I got in the way of myself. I should of never looked into his eyes, I should of avoided them and took back control. Instead, I buckled. I got stuck in my own stupid head. I was so mad at myself.

He shook his head in small amounts, taking another look at me and tunnel visioned. He let it all loose on me and I just let it happen. "You know what? That was the shittiest sexual experience of my goddamn entire life. That was 5 minutes of my shitty life wasted on you. I will never get that back. I could of been still skinny dipping in the pool, having a great time without you clouding my mind. But here you are, standing there after not completing my easy request. You're not even a good fuck, you're bad at it. You are bad at the one thing you claim that you are good at. God, you fucking suck. Can't even fucking top well. I fucking hate you."

His words sunk into me like teeth. It hurt but it was an honest review on my performance. An honest review on me. And God, I fucking hated myself too.