figure my heart out // muke

15

The car time read 10:03 and it was pitch black outside. We were sitting parked near the side of the venue on a gravel patch. It definitely wasn't the allocated parking lot outlined by yards of rope but it was where we wanted to be, away from everybody.

My head was resting on my crossed arms, holding a beer in one hand and I was facing Luke. He had his feet up on the seat and he looked pretty comfy this time.

He took a swig from his Corona and started, "So..." I impatiently waited for his conversation icebreaker as we hadn't talked ever since we got here. "Do you only fuck men?"

I was a little taken back from this question as I re-positioned myself and sat up. My hands now in my lap holding the beer bottle in my hand, "No, I don't. I fuck men, women and non-binary people. I fuck all. In fact I will fuck anyone and anybody who's willing to pay me." I brought the bottle up to my lips and drank from it, then slowly lowering it back in my lap. "What about you?" I asked, "Do you only fuck men?"

"Well, I haven't only fucked men. I've fucked loads of girls before but that was before I figured out I was gay." He paused, recollecting his breath. "Now I do only fuck men, and unfortunately for me that's turned into an addiction." He sighed.

"Why are you so open about your sex addiction with me?"

I hoped I didn't come off rude and impersonal. I was genuinely curious to why he had chosen me to tell his deepest and darkest struggle to and not someone like Calum or Ashton - to which he was more closer to emotionally.

"Because, I thought you would understand more than anyone since you're a sex worker."

"That still doesn't answer my question." I reworded, "Why me out of anyone else you're close to? Wouldn't they be able to help you more?"

I looked over to him, his eyes were glued to me. A weird sight of contentment on his face. "I mean, yeah I could." He sadly sighed but continued. "I guess it's sometimes easier to tell people who barely know anything about you because then the judgement is easier to withstand. With people closer to you it's the fear - the fear that if I told them that helpless and selfish part of me then the point of view they originally had of me would differ."

I sat in thought, not saying a word. He opened up to me because he thought I wouldn't be as judgemental. He's scared of losing everyone around him but me. That's why he told me. I am easier to lose, easier to shake off if I rejected his cry. But I didn't reject him and maybe that's what he wasn't quite expecting.

"Why did you freak out a few nights ago when you were supposed to give me a pleasurable experience?"His sad eyes searching within mine to figure out the cause of the event that unfolded.

"I," I bit down on my lip, was I ready to even share this to him of all people? I tried to stop myself from spilling out but my mouth had other plans. "One thing you should know about me is that I'm asexual. I am very much on the end of not feeling any sexual attraction to anyone. And you may be confused, why are you a sex worker if you're asexual? Well simple answer. I like the feeling of sex. It's enjoyable. It's euphoric. I get the high and I get the appeal." I stopped to allow him to process what I had just said to him and once I received a nod I continued. "The thing is, the feelings I have during sex with people are usually foreign. I know that for some asexuals who engage in sexual activities say that they enjoy the emotional and physical closeness of the bond they share with their partner during sex. Well for me, that freaks me out. Developing a deep emotional connection with anyone freaks me out. And this is definitely going to sound stupid too but I usually avoid eye contact at all costs with my clients. I will stare at every inch of their face apart from their eyes."

I gulped, regretting oversharing but I knew I had to get this out in the open. He opened up to me about his sex addiction and therefore I felt like I owed him an explanation. "You are different, Luke."