figure my heart out // muke

22

The car ride to the next pitstop towards home was filled with fanboying due to Calum and Ashton running into them at the mall. "And here's the photo of me with Lukas, he was really short. I think he was like 5"4." Ashton was showing us a picture of himself smiling with his arm slung around the lead singer of 5 Seconds of Summer from his phones camera roll.

Luke and I were quite invested in the photo Ashton was showing us. "And Luke," Ashton started, turning around in the passenger seat a little to face us in the back seat, "I told him how much of a big fan you were and he said that he wanted to meet you some day."

Luke squealed, "OH MY GOD!" covering his mouth with his hands out of excitement. "You're meaning to tell me Lukas Hammington knows about my existence?!"

Ashton nodded with a hum, "Mhm, I also told him about Michael. Although I did kind of spill to him that we think somethings going on between you two and he wished you all the best. He was really rooting for you guys. He even made a joke about your ship name. I think it was 'Muke' or some shit like that. He got the idea from me telling him about how Lukas and Luke would have a complicated ship name because you guys practically have the name."

As Luke and I slowly processed this information, our heads slowly rotated to look between us. Both of our eyes widened at the mention of something going on between us. That both made us burst out laughing, slapping our thighs in exhilaration as Ashton's face was left in confusion. "What?" He managed to say. We both looked at him, our faces now serious.

"There's nothing going on between us," Luke decided to answer for the both of us, even though I knew it wasn't really the truth. We hadn't talked about what we were to each other and I still was trying to figure out my feelings for him. I needed to figure out what I wanted us to be given the circumstances that I couldn't feel romantic attraction like any other person could. I mean I did like Luke, I enjoyed his company, I just hadn't entertained a future with him yet. That was something I had to figure out and discuss with him while we were alone.

"Hmm, sure." Calum said, not believing the words Luke had just said. "Sure there's nothing going on between us guys."

I started to grow pissed at Cal for not respecting what we labelled ourselves and pushing for a discussion we didn't even want. "It's frankly none of your business." I snapped at him as Ashton switched off his phone and turned to the front.

"Well, I do think there's at least something going on between you two. I mean come on, you guys have spent so much time together that I think there's some feelings involve-"

I interrupted Calum, "We're not in love, Cal, if that's what you're implying."

"Well, love is a strong word," He carefully tredded, "Even I know you take along time to even admit you love someone, whether as a friend or as a potential lover."

"Calum..." I tried getting through to him, "You just don't understand."

"But I do, it's just-"

"Leave it." Luke butted in and my head snapped in his direction, "Michael just is complicated. His feelings are complicated. He needs time to figure them out." He defended, "We are just friends, that's it."

A smile crept onto my face at the fact he butted into the conversation and defended me. I knew that Luke still struggled to grasp the concept of my complicated emotions and complex attraction, but it was nice to see he was trying.

I only kept this to myself in the moment but I did want Luke and us to be more than friends. I wanted us to continue to build and explore this emotional bond we had developed. And something that I did know in that moment was that I did want a proper committed relationship with Luke. I wanted him to be mine and mine only. It's just I was terrified. Not terrified of the commitment but terrified that I knew that I couldn't give him what he deserved.