figure my heart out // muke

7

I closed the dirty, cream coloured motel door with my hand tucked into my hoodie sleeve like a temporary glove. I eyed off the small knob as it called for me to complete the task it had set out for me. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock.

Usually after a few turns I would be satisfied and the uneasiness would melt away. This time, it did not. I felt stressed and like if I didn't keep turning this Goddamn knob several hundred times, then something bad would happen.

Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock. Lock. Unlock.

"I think you can stop now," I heard Luke say, but I wasn't convinced. It didn't feel like it was enough. I didn't feel safe. I shakily sighed, closing my eyes as I turned the knob to finally lock it. I still felt like impending dread was going to sneak up on me at any moment. I was unsettled, my mind was scattered.

I slowly stepped away from the door and turned around to see Luke rummaging through his suitcase he had placed onto the bed. There was only one bed we had to share between the two of us. I entertained the idea, the thought of sex distracting me from the hidden war inside my head.

"I swear I packed it..." Luke muttered to himself, but I couldn't resist not fooling around with him.

"Packed what? Your laciest underwear?" I smirked, impressed that I was taking it this far with him. He shot me a glare as he went back to violently digging through his piles of clothes and eventually tipped his whole suitcase out on the floor.

He stood there with his lip wobbling and lightly chewed on his nails. I could see his mind racing from over here, if only he could see my mind that was in shambles right now. Maybe then he could see that we had a lot more in common than just sex jokes.

"Are you okay?" I asked him, kind of worried about the mental state his was currently in.

He shook his head from side to side and went to sit on the side of the bed, his back facing me. There was a pang in my heart, why couldn't he just tell me what was wrong? I was very much out of it and could barely process my own emotions right now but I was intrigued to know why he was so devastated in forgetting to pack one item. I mean he had a whole case of luggage (now spilled out all on the floor) and still he wasn't satisfied. He wanted more, something that he couldn't find in what he already had.

I heard him sob, watching his back shakily rise and fall. Wait, was he crying? I climbed over the bed and kneeled next to him. Without thinking, I placed a hand onto his back to rub circles into it. He flinched, jumping up onto his feet from his sitting position to face me. His eyes red, cheeks stained with rolling wetness. He looked mad. "Don't. Touch me." He seethed.

It was never my intention to set Luke off, let alone touch a nerve and make him upset. I didn't understand what I did wrong, I always tried to comfort my clients especially if they were having a rough day. This was just how I knew how to do aftercare. Hell, that was just how I knew how to care for anybody. Did I do something wrong?

I looked at him with pleading eyes. I wanted him to let me in, for him to tell me everything. I was a very good listener. That was how I distracted myself from the emptiness I felt when having sex with strangers. Of course, I had regulars, but even their touch felt foreign every time I revisited them. There was a certain coldness to their touch. It all just felt so wrong, even if I felt that sexual pleasure I so desperately craved. Listening intently to clients days was just my job. No matter how talkative they were, I'd never tell them to shut up (unless that was their kink and had paid me money to specifically say so). Maybe it wasn't healthy to listen in on dragging conversations while I made the other person cum, but it worked for me. It helped me get my job done. It helped me get to know the person better, even though they would never know a single thing about me.

"Don't look at me like that" he spat, slapping his hand onto the side of his leg. "You look so innocent, like a lost puppy. You aren't lost, you have everything you ever wanted."

I didn't understand where this was all coming from, why all his pent-up anger was being taken out on me. I didn't have everything I wanted, in fact I was fucking miserable.

"You have money, you have sex and lots of it at that" he brought his hand up to his mouth as he mumbled into it, "You could have anyone you ever wanted. Anyone."

Anyone. I could have anyone. What a bunch of bullshit. He does not know a single thing about me. He doesn't even care about a single bone that lays beneath my skin. If I could have anyone, I would have anyone. Who wants to entertain a life alone?

"Oh God, I fucking hate you" He growled.

The only response I could muster was "I hate you too" before I got up and decided to lay on the couch adjacent from the queen-sized bed across the room to get some quick shut eye.

I'd like to say that I slept for around 30 minutes before I was awoken by some loud mumbling coming from the bed. I sat up awake as the mumbling gradually turned into moans of my name. I walked carefully over to the bed to see Luke sleeping, tucked underneath the sheets. His bare chest was peeking through which showcased some chest hair. His redish-pinkish toned lips slightly parted and his arm was rested next to his head.

"M-michael.." he softly moaned. I couldn't help but smile, my teeth slightly peering out at the sight.

I debated on whether I should continue my visual and auditory pleasure of his wet dream that starred me or to be cruel and embarrass the absolute shit out of him. I decided to go with the latter as I walked over to the side of the bed he was on and lightly placed a hand on his cheek. My touch made him jolt awake, as he was panting. His eyes found me smirking down at him, giving him that all-knowing look that he'd been caught in a selfish act. His cheeks flushed a light pink as agitation took over him and slapped my hand away.

"Get away from me," he panicked as he quickly sat up, scrunching the bed sheets in a fist and holding it up to his chest.

"Good morning sunshine, heard you were having a sweet sexy dream about me. Really enjoyed you moaning out my name."

The pinkness was washed over by a pale face of pure guilt and embarrassment. He slowly lifted the sheets to take a look under them and then pulled them back up to his chest with an awkward smile. "Uhh, I got to go to the bathroom and sort something out..." He chucked the sheets aside and jumped out of bed, pushing me away and making his way to the bathroom. I couldn't help but check out his short, black boxer briefs with a white branded waistband. It made his ass pop.

"Don't scream my name too loudly while you're jacking off!" I shouted, taunting him from the other room as I heard the bathroom door slam shut.