Keep the rain [CL16]

Chapter 6 - Charles's P.O.V.

My life depends on time.

It's the most important thing.

And obviously time is important for everyone.
Seems like there isn't enough for the things we want to experience.

‚We don't have enough time' is a paradox.

Time is the thing that will go on forever.
No matter how advanced technology gets or who dies, time will forever be the one thing we can't control.
The one thing that'll be endless.

There is enough time.
There is more time than we will ever experience.
Time as a concept isn't limited.

Just our time is.

With every second that passes we're closer to our death.
For living beings, the only thing inevitable is death. The time of your own personal clock running out.

That's the thing everyone has in common.

That we're all gonna die someday.

But in my life, time has a second meaning.

My job depends on time.

In a qualifying I have to be the fastest, in a race I have to spread the time gap between me and the driver behind me.

Everything I do is timed.

From my workouts, to dinners, to the races.

We focus on milliseconds.

But grief is the only thing that doesn't fit in my time plan.

It moves against the seconds passing, seeming to be never ending.

I wonder if there is a stopwatch, an hourglass running, counting down until I don't grief anymore.

It's been 5 years and I still haven't managed to get to accept Jules's death.

It's been 4 years since my father passed away.

There is still so much anger burning in my chest.

It's eating away my insides; my rotten heart.

I'm angry that they aren't here anymore.

I'm angry that they didn't hold their promises of watching me race in F1.

I'm angry that Jules wasn't more careful.

I'm angry that my father got cursed with an illness we couldn't cure.

I'm angry that they left me alone.

But I have no one to direct my anger at.

How can I be mad at dead people?

In the end they're the ones who won't ever get to walk this earth again.

How can I justify being mad at them, if they were the ones fighting for their lives desperately but lost the battle?

And if I can't be mad at them, where do I find a release for my anger?

The answer comes easy.

By the person I want to hurt the least.

The one person I want closest to me but push away.

The one person I'm not mad at at all.

The one person I couldn't possibly ever hate.

I wonder if it's a form of self-punishment.

That I fight with her, to keep her away from me because she brings me joy.
Because I don't think I deserve it. Because two of the most important people in my life are dead.