Our Space

Chapter 4

Sami was still confused and scared to look for a potential spouse as his friend had advised. He really wanted to. He regarded himself as ready for a marriage when it came to his character. But he knew he couldn't provide his wife with anything yet. He didn't even have his own flat where he could move to when he left university. These thoughts made him start growing impatient.

How much easier would it be if his wife came to him and told him she wouldn't mind living anywhere with him? Or if her mahram came to him and said that his good character was enough for her. But people never got what they wanted.

There was also his issue of stuttering when he got nervous which he felt would prevent him from finding a spouse for himself. It wasn't only limited to talking to his family. Rather, he felt the stuttering whenever he spoke to girls too. Especially practising girls. Though he regarded that a blessing as he felt he was physically incapable of falling into haraam.(1)

On the weekend, while Sami was putting on his football boots, he got a phone call telling him that the plan was cancelled and there wouldn't be their weekly match this week. Sami was surprised to find himself furious.

He had the day planned. After Asr they were going to play a match and then he was going to come home exhausted and fall asleep straight after Isha.(2)

But now he had to stay in his dorm room all day, bored out of his mind with nothing planned. And he knew the threats this boredom would bring. One single negative thought would lead to a thousand depressing thoughts leaving him feeling annoyed, angry and lonely.

After changing out of his football kit and putting on a simple T-shirt and comfy jogging bottoms, Sami sat on his bed with his laptop open in front of him. What to do? He thought, counting his options.

He could revise but he really wasn't in the mood. He could read some news, but news was usually depressing and he didn't need any more negativity. He thought about watching a movie and decided he wasn't in the mood for that either. He decided to watch an Islamic lecture to lift his spirits, because if he didn't do anything, he was going to find himself punching something. Or someone. Maybe his roommate.

Sami was careful with who he listened to, making sure they were qualified enough to preach what they preached. On his Shaykh's advice, he listened to some scholars who weren't famous or known well as their talks were more academic rather than emotional, which was used to reach out to people by the more popular scholars. Sami liked to have a balance between listening to emotional and academic scholars and he always had a thirst for new information.

Soon, Sami was listening to debates and mentally taking notes between the arguments. From his own knowledge and opinions, he found that both had valid arguments but he was leaning more to one side.

This kept him occupied until Asr. But the battles which erupted in him as soon as he entered his room after returning from the masjid had Sami wanting to beat something up.

He hated the feeling. He hated the silence. He hated the heavy feeling in his chest when he thought about how everyone he knew had a loving family. Everyone had someone to fall back on, someone behind them supporting them and pushing them towards success. Most of his fellow classmates looked forward to going home during holidays whereas Sami dreaded it. He only went 'home' when the breaks were too long for his liking.

So what was he to do? He hated being alone and he hated the panicked feeling he got around his family. He still hadn't saved up enough money for a flat for two people so he could at least begin the search for a wife. Everything was so expensive!

Sami sat on his bed, sighing. He wanted to give up. He wanted to stop feeling this way. But he couldn't stop feeling. He knew there were people in much worse situations than him. People whose loved ones had passed away or people who grew up in care homes, never knowing their families or people who were abused as children. In comparison, Sami was blessed.