Our Space

Chapter 39

Sami and Radia both began to attend the counselling sessions regularly. Sometimes they fought and they'd leave mad at each other. Other times, they'd pour out their hearts and leave happily. Things were still going slightly up and down.

Since he was on a quest to reconnect with Allah again, Sami contacted the Shaykh who helped him the first time he was going through severe difficulties. The Shaykh arranged for them to meet and then gave Sami some advice on dhikr he should focus on.

This helped Sami deal with the suggestion by the counsellor, that he might actually have been suffering from Ambivalent Attachment Disorder. She advised him to find a specialist in the field to help him. She also advised some family counselling with his mother, father and sister.

It all hurt, Sami couldn't deny that. But then he reminded himself that he was a Muslim and he knew his purpose in life. He knew where contentment lay. It was in the remembrance of Allah. He knew he could get through this difficult moment in life. His daily dhikr was helping him remember the only One who could help him.

One evening, Sami came home from work to find his mother and Radia talking.

"Asalamu'alaykum," he said, surprised to see his mother. She rarely came around unless Sami asked her to.

"Wa'alaykumusalaam," they replied.

"How are you?" Sami asked his mother.

"Alhamdulillah, I'm well. You?"

"Alhamdulillah, I'm well too."

"Are you sure?" His mother asked with some concern.

"Yeah, why?"

"Mum has to talk to you about something. I'll go and start preparing dinner," Radia said, getting up. She was about to leave the room when Sami stopped her.

"I'll make dinner today," he said, making an excuse. He didn't want to admit that he was nervous to be alone with his mother. Radia dragged him out of the living room. She put her arms around Sami's neck and looked into his eyes.

"She wants to talk to you. And I think it's best she does so alone. Don't worry though, everything will be fine, in'sha'Allah," Radia assured Sami, giving him a quick kiss as she walked away. Sami felt rather confused as he took a deep breath and went into the living room.

"Is everything okay?" He asked.

"Come, sit next to me," she motioned to the seat next to her. Sami did as he was told. "Sami, my son, be honest with me. Have I ever wronged you in any way?" Sami looked up, shocked.

"N...no," Sami said, though he felt like he was lying.

"I asked you to be honest. What about when I wasn't home while you were young?"

"Why are we talking about this?" Sami asked, feeling old wounds re-open. His mother took his hands in hers.

"Where did you think I was when I was out?"

"At friends' houses," Sami admitted, painful knots forming in his stomach.

"What friends would let me stay around their houses so long? I need to explain to you what was happening in my life. I was working. Your father forbade me from doing so and said his earnings were more than enough. That was true but I was angry. Manahil was out of control and you weren't easy either. You'd call me and then ignore me and you'd throw a lot of tantrums. I'd ignore your tantrums to discipline you but I think I went too far. I was stressed and depressed and I felt like I was losing control. So I rebelled and started working in a clothes factory. It was my escape. I didn't tell you or Manahil in case you blurted it out to your father." For a while, Sami stayed quiet. He could only remember his childhood through his own naïve eyes. He had no clue what was going on with anyone else. Things were such a mess.