Our Space

Chapter 15

After a long time, Sami was falling into that despised feeling of depression. This time, it wasn't just a feeling of loneliness. He felt empty and trapped. He doubted his abilities in being a good husband. While he observed Radia, he had thought about how she would make a good wife because she valued relationships. He appreciated how close she was with her dad. After the questioning from Uncle Irfan, Sami realised his hypocrisy. But how was he to reconnect with his family who didn't care to try and connect with him?

Sami wanted to just give up. He couldn't find someone he wanted to marry and perhaps his standards were too high and it was his own fault. Or perhaps he was so heavily flawed that marrying a girl would only cause him to ruin her life. He couldn't keep his immediate family happy, how would he keep his wife happy? He was really starting to dislike himself.

Too embarrassed to confess this to anyone, Sami let himself fall deeper and deeper into this misery. Sometimes Sami managed to comfort himself. He told himself that his wife would marry him because she liked him and he'd show her so much love that she wouldn't even consider distancing herself from him, unlike his family.

But why can't I fix the distance? Sami often asked himself. He believed he had tried. But maybe he hadn't tried hard enough. It was likely his odd phone calls weren't enough. Maybe it was time he stopped justifying the reasons he stayed far from his family. Perhaps it was time to step out of his comfort zone.

There was an Islamic fair with rides and such in which there was a food stall Sami was asked to help with. As he stood with a friend, he tried to conceal what he truly thought and felt while being interrogated. His friend had just told him about another girl whose father he spoke to about Sami. The father seemed interested but Sami told his friend he didn't want any more meetings for a while. He was serious about taking a break.

"But why? You were so keen on getting married!" His friend kept saying, making him increasingly irritating to an already agitated Sami. His feet hurt, he was tired and he just wanted to go home.

"I just have some things to sort out."

"Did you get your heart broken or something?"

"What? No!" Sami prayed the day would be over quickly. Or that his friend would go for a break. Or both.

Soon, Sami's prayer was answered and his friend said he needed to go to the toilet, which was on the other side of the fair. The instant his friend was gone, Sami felt relaxed. But soon, he was feeling bored.

Sami rubbed the back of his neck, feeling stiff. He could hear nasheeds blaring out from a tent nearby in which many parents and kids entered bare and came out with face paint or a badly painted piece of artwork which was most likely done by a child. There were some little girls who came out waving their hands around trying to dry the henna design on them.

Sami imagined a day when he and his wife would bring their kids to an Islamic fair like this one. Then he blinked a few times, getting rid of the image which appeared. Why was he imagining Radia as his wife? He barely knew her.

A little girl who came over with her hands covered in henna designs pointed to the bowl of biriyani.

"I'd like some of that please," the confident little girl said.

"Er... Where's your mum?" Sami asked, unsure what to do.

"Mummy!" The little girl screamed, making Sami jump. A tired looking woman dragged another child towards where this little girl stood.

"What is it now, Sara?" She asked.

"I'm hungry and I want some biriyani!" The little girl, Sara, said.