Among the Stars [Frerard]

Chapter 6: Better off as Lovers

Life is hard. But it's not like that was a new analogy, everyone was aware of that. No one really floats through life without a struggle, but some struggled more than others.

Maybe with their own head or even something more 'visible' in their lives. 

Depression is something that will always haunt you. No matter how much you try to escape it, it's always there. Waiting for a weak moment to jump out and consume you again.

The second your head gets above water and you can finally breath again, an even bigger wave pushes you down into the dark abyss of the ocean.

Frank was very aware of all of this. He knew exactly that this was all just in his head and he was aware of the fact that it can get better. He knew that the likelihood of his life always being like this was small. But depression wasn't something you can reason with.
It won't accept the facts. It will just constantly convince you of the most negative outcome.

That, no, it will never get better and, no, you will never be happy.

Gerard came up from behind Frank and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him as close as possible to his body.

"Hey, are you okay?" Worry laced Gerard's words.

"Oh, uh yeah sorry." Frank turned to look Gerard. They instantly locked eyes and couldn't take their gaze off of each other. Gerard planted a feather light kiss on the smaller boys forehead. "You know if somethings wrong you can always tell me. I won't judge you."

"Yeah thank you." Frank mumbled and averted his gaze. He turned back around and poured himself some cereal. Gerard was about to say something but Mikey and Pete had entered the room.

Frank felt anxious with 4 people in the room. They all knew each other pretty well but Frank hated lager groups of people. He didn't feel comfortable in the slightest. He wanted to ask to leave the room but the thought of speaking and everyone turning to look at him or even just possibly doing something wrong made him panic. So he stayed quiet.

It was Monday. He had been staying at the Way's since Friday. They had Monday off because of an emergency teachers conference or something. His parents weren't exactly pleased with not having their son home for a few days but he was pretty sure they didn't care for him. Tomorrow he would have to go back to school. 

He didn't have any friends in his classes and he hated looking like a loner. But he just had to deal with it. Frank was abruptly snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a mention of his name.

"Me and Frank are gonna head back to my room," Gerard said and motioned for Frank to follow him as he walked out the room.
Pete and Mikey exchanged knowing glances as they watched them walk out.

When they were back in Gerards room the dark haired boy looked at him questioningly. "Why is it that you always look so uncomfortable around larger groups of people? I mean you don't have to tell me why, I was just wondering."

Shit. Frank hadn't actually told him about his social anxiety disorder and he was afraid of Gerard's reaction. Gerard must have noticed how panicky he looked and took Frank's shaking hand into his own. 

"It's okay Frankie," He said soothingly.

But the fact was that it wasn't okay and it never would be okay. Frank looked to the floor and attempted to form a coherent explanation of the thing that controlled his life in so many ways. 

"Uhm well do you know what Social Anxiety is?"

"No, could you explain?" He stroked Franks hand softly with his thumb.

"Don't worry it's not your fault that you don't know what it is," Frank paused and took a shaky breath and continued. 

"Basically it means that I have irrational fears of social situations. It's kind of hard for me to explain. I feel self-conscious and embarrassed all the time." Frank pulled his hands away from Gerards and started nervously digging his nails into his other hand. He looked up to read Gerards reaction. Frank was insanely anxious to say the least.

"Oh wow, I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

He turned his gaze to look at Franks hands. He started talking in a worried tone, "do I make you anxious?"

Frank's heart skipped a beat. He wasn't sure what to say. Should he lie? Or tell the truth?He didn't really have time to consider his options seeing as he was so anxious that, he quickly blurted out the truth. 

"I mean uh yeah but everyone does. It's not your fault and it's fine," he paused, "I can cope with it."

"Frank, I uh- I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say but if you're uncomfortable please just tell me? I can try to help you? If you let me?" Gerard stared right into Franks eyes.

Frank pulled Gerard into a tight hug. "Thank you so much." He nuzzled his face into his chest and mumbled. "That means a lot to me."

The truth is, no one had ever tried to help with his anxiety. No one had really cared. They just told him he was "overly shy" or being stupid.

Which was far from the truth. He knew it was so much more than that.

Social anxiety is more than just getting embarrassed in front of friends or classmates. Social anxiety is more than stuttering in front of your crush. Social anxiety is more than freaking out before a presentation.

Social anxiety is feeling too embarrassed to say anything even though you haven't done anything to feel that way. Social anxiety is standing in a group of people that are talking and cursing yourself for looking more awkward when you don't talk. Social anxiety is wanting to be swallowed by a hole in the ground only because you coughed in a class full of people.