Among the Stars [Frerard]

Chapter 28: I Know, I'm Sorry

And with that, Frank turned around and walked out of the house. It hurt him. Everything just hurt and Frank was aching to do just one thing. But he knew he couldn't. Not now. Not yet. 

Frank ran down a path, stumbling into the woods and sitting down in the familiar area. He hoped this would help clear his head. Make him think rationally. But his heart was pounding.

It didn't take him long to realise that this place wouldn't change the way he was thinking because in a way, it already was rational. Irrationally rational, if that's how you would want to put it. The ideas whirling through his head would be seen as irrational to anyone else, except for Frank himself, of course. But maybe if someone else just tried to understand - try to listen - they could accept why his thoughts had gone down this path what seemed like such a long time ago.

Frank knew that he couldn't leave. Not like this. Things had to be as right as they could be. 

His heart was still pounding and his head was still whirling with thoughts. He was still sat there, running his hand through his hair every couple minutes- or seconds, he couldn't really be sure. Time seemed to be lost to him. He felt detached. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there but the day was slowly starting to fade away as the sky got painted with the colours of the drowning sun.

Frank wondered if Gerard was looking for him. Or even worried in the slightest.

Surely he must have been, but Frank found it hard to imagine. 

Frank knew he shouldn't have said those types of things in front of his oddly hopeful boyfriend. He knew Gerard couldn't understand that his life was never going to be full-filled, if there even was such a thing. He felt guilty, he had only upset Gerard. The one person he truly loved and he was constantly upsetting them. He couldn't live with that. And in a way, maybe he wouldn't have to for much longer. Or at least that was how Frank saw it.

And as Frank sat there, his body tearing apart at the seams, struggling to hold itself up anymore. He pondered about Gerards future. Because Frank knew he had one without Frank. A simpler life really. With a person to rely on, to love. 

Frank wished he could be that person. But he was being realistic here, and that simply was not going to happen. Because Frank had already decided. A long time ago. His mind was made up. And he had never been more sure of that fact. 

After finally regaining at least some of his energy, he sat himself up and began the painful walk back to Gerards. 

Frank wished everything could be simple again. When he was a kid playing with toys instead of slitting his body. When he would beg for ice cream instead of his life to end. The times he would be bursting with energy, when now he was drained.

Walking into his boyfriends house, not even bothering to knock, he launched himself into Gerards arms. He could tell Gerard was still mad at him, but he couldn't find it in himself to blame him. He was allowed to be pissed off with him. He understood in ways Gerard would never be able to understand him.

Frank inhaled Gerards sense, basking in the warming feeling it gave him, "I'm sorry." Gerard simply sighed, bringing his hand to the back of Franks neck and pulling out of the hug slightly to give him a meaningful kiss. Frank was the one to pull away, he looked down and began to speak softly again, "I shouldn't have said those things to you, I know that it just upsets you. I just can't help the way I think sometimes. Not that that would excuse it- but- well, I just- I'm sorry for everything that I've done and all the things I will do. It's never your fault, I'm just fucked up and I- I overreact a lot."

Gerard let his fingers trace Franks jaw. It was undeniable just how much this boy meant to him. "Hey, no, you aren't fucked up. You're fine just the way you are. You're absolutely perfect and," he sighed, "It's my fault too. I know that you can't help the way you see things sometimes and I overreacted as well."

-

Frank looked down at Gerard who had an arm securely wrapped around his waist. He quietly lifted his arm to tuck Gerards hair that had fallen into his face. As he looked down at him, he felt nothing but love and adoration. This was how it was supposed to be. Fighting and making up followed by too many 'I'm sorry's' and meaningful kisses and snuggling up to each other late at night.

Love was supposed to be this way. Or at least Frank felt it had to be that way. Of course he realised that this was in no way realistic, love was filled with too many words left unsaid and also so many words that should never had been spilled out in the heat of an argument. Love was complicated and tragic. 

Maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. Maybe it taught you to appreciate real love even with its bumps in the road that seemed more like meteoroid craters. But Franks head hurt and he knew this moment couldn't last forever. He knew that the darkness was eating him up even in the bubble of love he found himself in.

The darkest parts of his mind were taking over and it was killing him. Or maybe it was just him slowly killing himself- whatever way you wanted to view it really. 

Either way Frank was drowning or drifting or whatever metaphor was most fit for him dying on the inside. Franks mind was all kinds of 50 shades of messed up.

He found himself pondering if the human population was a bunch of light-bulbs, 7 billion light bulbs to be more precise. That all of them were emitting different amounts of light. Because after all they were still individuals and no human - or light-bulb - was the same. Frank wondered if he was one of the many that had a defect - had a shorter life span than the rest due to a factory error. Maybe someone had knocked him around to much. Maybe he was coming a bit lose and was slowly slipping from his place on the lamp or chandelier, about to fall and crash onto the floor. Effectively shattering into a billion pieces.

Of course the idea was stupid. But humans tend to find comfort in the idea of relating to things in a poetic way, so he would let it slide. He didn't really care anymore.

He took a mental image of Gerard, soaking in how peaceful and beautiful he looked. He was reluctant to ever leave this bed. Because maybe if he stayed here with Gerard forever, never leaving this bed, it would all be okay again.

But he knew that would never happen. He knew it was unrealistic. 

So he pulled himself up from the bed being incredibly careful not to wake Gerard. He placed a kiss onto his forehead for the last time and took one last glance at his beautiful sleeping boyfriend. 

He didn't deserve the pain that was to come and Frank knew it, he hated it.