Among the Stars [Frerard]

Chapter 24: Heart Out

Frank cuddled closer into Gerards side. It was around 3 am now and they were back at Gerards house. They had stayed out looking up at the beautiful night sky until they both got too cold to stay out any longer. 

Gerard had ended up carrying his tired boyfriend from the car into his warm house. He couldn't deny how beautiful he looked in that moment. Gerard hoped it would always be this way. Cute little dates, meaningful i love you's and complete and utter trust in one another. 

He was beyond glad that his Frankie was doing better now but he could never help the fact that he would worry. Even if he knew where Frank was and what he was doing. Even when he knew he was curled up against his side at this very moment, he was worried. After all he would never know what was going on in his head. And maybe that was for the better. Frank wouldn't want Gerard to feel the pain and sadness he had to feel. But now it was better. Both of them knew that. 

But both of them knew that Frank could easily relapse at anytime. He may have the help and support he needed now but mental illness was unpredictable. It messed with your head until you didn't know what was happening anymore.

It made you believe that your thoughts were rational, realistic even, and the awful thing was that you would never realise that until you had escaped. Until you had pried yourself from the hands of your mind and ran. Ran as fast as you could, for as long as you could. Only ever stopping to look behind you, back at what you used to be controlled by, when you knew you were better. But even then there's always the risk that when you look back, when you think you're safe, you see your old ways and it starts making sense again. But the worst thing is, you don't even realise. 

You don't see your own demise approaching again. You don't realise that you're walking right back into the arms of what almost killed you the first time. 

Gerard just hoped that wouldn't happen to Frank. 

Because he didn't deserve that. No one did.

-

Frank awoke to kisses being placed all over his face. He turned his head so that his face was pressed down onto the pillow. 

"Let me sleep," he mumbled into the fluffy pillow almost inaudibly. 

Gerard pulled the covers off his boyfriend, eliciting a small groan from him, "nope. It's already one thirty and you have to go to therapy."

Franks heart dropped at the mention of how messed up he was. He didn't want to have to go to therapy. Why couldn't he just be normal?

Frank groaned in annoyance. "I don't wanna go," he grumbled. 

"Well you have to, so.. get up," Gerard tried to reason.

-

"Frank Iero?" The lady at the desk called out, mispronouncing his last name for the hundredth time over the past few weeks. 

Frank got up, his heart racing even faster. His anxiety making him want to run away, just run until he got away from all other people. 

He walked into the small room with a sofa on one side and a table on the other. He hated this room. He sat down opposite his therapist who was smiling warmly at him. 

"Hi Frank! How have you been lately?" she said sounding far too happy for someone who listened to others problems for hours on end.

"I've been okay," Frank replied, self consciously pulling his sleeves over his hands. 

"Thats good, so.. I was talking to your parents earlier and we agreed that because you've been doing a lot better lately that you won't have therapy with me as often anymore. I just wanted to run that by you so that we don't make a rash decision. So is it okay with you?" she looked at him expectantly, brushing her two toned hair out of her face.

"Yeah, that's fine."

In all honesty, for Frank it was much more than fine. Therapy never did anything but make him anxious. The anxiety just leading him to have negative thoughts about himself. So really this would probably help him more than therapy does in the first place. Of course he was grateful he had someone to talk to but the thing was that he never opened up enough. He never said the things he wanted to and he never corrected anything his therapist got wrong. I guess you could put that down to anxiety though.

In all honesty, he wanted help for his anxiety more than he could ever say out loud. To him that was one of the biggest problems. It messed with his entire life. He got lost in the anxiety and he couldn't be sure who he really was anymore.

That day, therapy didn't end to well for Frank. Although his therapy sessions would basically be cut in half, she told him that he would have to attend group therapy sometimes. This new information only lead to him panicking. He started picturing what group therapy would be like, all the things he could do wrong and the ways he would end up embarrassing himself. His hands started shaking and he knew what was going to happen within the next few minutes. 

Frank managed to keep it somewhat together during the session but as soon as it had ended he ran to the bathroom, well speed walked - he wouldn't any attention on himself, and had a full blown panic attack.

He was a shaking, sobbing mess on the floor of a bathroom stall. He was just lucky that no one came in and heard him. Although he knew Gerard was picking him up and by now he must be wondering where Frank was. He was probably worried and as much as Frank wanted to text him and tell him what was going on, he just couldn't. He couldn't do anything but shake and cry and panic. 

And Frank hated to admit it but this happened too often nowadays. He couldn't deal with the constant anxiety anymore. But the anxiety of getting help for it was too much as well, so he just sat and suffered and came up with bullshit excuses for why he came out of therapy late and with a tear stained faces.

Because Frank Iero had always been good at lying to others. And himself.

A/N: I'm going to be ending this fic soon. Maybe another 5 to 10 chapters. I just don't have the motivation + I don't feel that the story is going anywhere at the moment.