Among the Stars [Frerard]

Chapter 16: Maybe it's Better if You Don't

"Frank maybe we should come out?"

Frank looked up from his phone with a startled expression. He was definitely not expecting that. "What?"

"Well, I was thinking maybe we should come out, like as a couple, we've been dating for a while now and I'm pretty sure the guys have already caught on to it. But what I was thinking is that we should come out to our parents."

Franks heart rate drastically increased as Gerard spoke. He felt lightheaded. But he could control himself, right? He was not going to have a panic attack. Not in front of Gerard. Not now. He couldn't. He wasn't going to. He tried to reassure himself but the idea of having a panic attack in front of his boyfriend only made it worse. His chest tightened and his breathing became heavier, however he tried to act completely normal.

"Oh uh I don't know..." Frank tried to reply and convince Gerard other wise but he couldn't think of the words to say.

He didn't want to come out to his parents. It wasn't because he was afraid his parents would react badly. He was pretty sure they would be accepting, but he still didn't want to do it. Uncomfortable social situation? No thank you.

"Frankie, please? I promise it won't be so bad. From what you've said in the past your parents seem reasonable and have never said anything to make you think that they might not accept you," Gerard tried to reason with Frank.

And Frank being the ball of anxiety he was, didn't want to talk about this anymore.

"Okay," Frank said all to quickly, instantly regretting it. Because the thing was that he didn't like arguing with people, or even just discussing something even moderately serious. Serious conversations scared him and made him insanely uncomfortable.

So that's how Frank Iero ended up staying up all night, unable to sleep. Wishing that he could be swallowed by the earth. He was sitting in the corner of his room, contemplating if jumping off a cliff would be easier than having to come out. Although coming out wasn't the problem. It was talking to people that was the problem. And jumping off a cliff was definitely easier than that. Maybe he could ask Gerard to do all the talking. Maybe he could make Gerard understand that he couldn't do this.

But maybe he didn't want to tell Gerard that he was afraid of talking to people about serious matters. So instead of telling his boyfriend, he just decided that he had to do this. But he couldn't. And as much as he tried to explain to himself just why he couldn't, the answer was the same- he just couldn't.

There was no other way of putting it. He even contemplated running away, but that would most likely cause worse anxiety.

Frank felt stuck. Confined. Trapped. He felt like he was suffocating. Or maybe that was just the anxiety. He wasn't sure.

With at least 10 fresh, deep, new cuts and a terribly bad mental state, he walked into the school building in search of his friends.

Because he was also afraid of being seen alone in public. But then again he was pretty much petrified of everything that involved other people. He quickly found his friends in one of the main hallways. They were standing in a tight circle. Frank walked up to them, slowly. He tried to join the circle but no one had noticed him yet so he was just standing awkwardly behind his friends who hadn't even noticed him. He mumbled a hello but no one noticed.

With a tightening chest and deep breaths he walked up behind Gerard and tapped him on the shoulder. To say that whole situation made Frank uncomfortable would be the understatement of the year.

But small things like that just got to him.

The day passed in a blur for Frank, he didn't feel like was living and he sure as hell didn't feel like he was dead. He was stuck in a limbo of self pity.

He even decided to ditch his friends at lunch and spend some time in the bathroom with a well aquainted rusty piece of metal.

But no, he didn't tear his skin apart, he simply didn't have the energy to hurt himself anymore. He sat there twirling it around between his fingers and staring intently at nothing.

When the bell signalled that he had to get to class he reluctantly pulled himself up from the cold floor and looked himself over in the mirror. His eyes were a bit bloodshot, he hadn't realised that he was staring, barely blinking, at the wall for just under an hour.

His last period was english and he really felt like ditching, but he didn't feel like getting shouted at by some snobby teacher the next day.

He slid into his seat in the back of the class which was next to Gerards. Frank didn't even spare a glance for his slightly concerned boyfriend.

He folded his arms over the table and laid his head down on to them. He didn't feel like talking. He didn't feel like breathing. And he sure as hell didn't feel like existing.

He felt a hand rest on his back. Frank turned his head to see Gerard looking at him with concern.

"Are you okay?" And then Frank just crashed. He felt dead. Everything hurt. He just stared back at Gerard. Not saying a single thing, trying to fight back his tears.

"Hey, hey shh it's all okay babe, please just tell me whats wrong?"

Gerard shuffled closer to Frank and brushed the stray hairs from his hazel eyes. He still didn't respond. Frank turned his head the other way and ignored his boyfriend for the rest of the lesson. He just didn't want to deal with someone acting like they cared. He didn't want to hurt him with this but he wasn't thinking clearly.

As soon as the bell rang Frank rushed out of the class. Attempting not to pay attention to any of the glances he was receiving from his friends. He practically ran out of the school. The second he got into his room he got a bottle of vodka and downed half of it. It burned his throat but soon he forgot all about that. He may not have felt okay but he didn't know what he was feeling in this state and he was completely okay with that.

Frank was sitting on the floor, bottle still clutched limply in his hand when Gerard came rushing into his bedroom. He took the bottle and placed it further away from Frank and gathered him up in his arms. He stroked a hand through Franks hair.

"Babe whats wrong?" Gerard said softly. Frank moved away from Gerard, breaking his boyfriends tight grasp on him.

"Why are you still here?" Frank questioned in a quiet and broken voice.

Gerard sighed, "because I care about you and I'm not going to let you destroy yourself."

"Please don't say that, I- I can't deal with this," Frank trailed off into broken sobs. Gerard tried to move closer but Frank moved back. "Leave me alone please," Frank tried to sound stern but utterly failed.

"No, I am not leaving you. Now please tell me why you did this?"

"Because I can't fucking deal with this anymore! This is the only fucking way I know how to cope with being alive!" Frank snapped at him and collapsed into a sobbing mess on the floor. Gerard rushed over to him and held him closer than he ever has before and not too soon after he let a few tears escape his own eyes. He placed a loving kiss on Franks temple.

"Please don't do this to yourself Frankie.." Gerard choked out, "I- I love you so much."

A/N: I hate this chapter with a burning passion and I rewrote it twice.