Among the Stars [Frerard]

Chapter 20: Self-Doubt

(Hasn't been edited - sorry for any mistakes.)

"Frank, you have to go to school," his mother sighed, "this isn't up for debate."

"But-," "Get ready, I'll drive you there." And with that she walked out of his room.

Frank groaned and practically rolled out of bed. It had been almost a week and a half since he had been let out of the hospital. He knew it was time to go back, but he was terrified. What if people asked questions? What would he say? He didn't want anyone to know why he had been away. What if they already knew? What if someone had already found out? Or if there were rumours? 

He really didn't want to have to deal with that. 

However within 30 minutes he found himself in the car, the school already in view, his chest was tight and his heart was beating at an unhealthily fast rate. 

This only got worse as he walked through the doors of the building in direction of the locker. He felt like everyone was watching his every move. His knees felt weak and he was sure that if he didn't calm down soon he was either going to have a panic attack or pass out. 

When he got to his locker he saw that Gerard was already there waiting for him. An unsure smile slipped onto his lips as he locked eyes with his boyfriend. Gerard pulled him into a hug and kissed him lightly on the cheek, muttering 'I'm proud of you'. 

They pulled apart and headed off to their first lesson together, Pete and Mikey joined them on the way. No one had mentioned anything about his absence yet but when he walked into his first class he could see the pitiful look in the teachers eyes as he laid his eyes on Frank. He guessed all the teachers must have been told the reason for his absence. 

Everything went smoothly until third period rolled around. On the way to his lesson someone bumped into his shoulder and told him that maybe next time he should swallow more pills. Frank didn't respond. He didn't really care for their comment, but this had confirmed that people knew why he had disappeared. It explained why so many people had been looking at him weirdly. People knew exactly what he had done. How pathetic and weak he is. And that made him panic. 

His heart rate increased and he dove into the nearest bathroom. Hiding in one of the few stalls in the boys toilets. He was conflicted. 

Frank didn't want to go to class. But he didn't want to deal with the panicking he caused himself when he ditched classes. Most people would just ditch if they were having a panic attack without much of a second thought. However Frank was thinking about what he could miss if he skipped this period. Because he knew that he would be to scared to ask anyone what happened in that lesson. So if they were assigned anything, there was no way he would find out about it. 

Whilst his mind fought with itself he was checking the time on his phone every couple seconds. He had a maximum of 3 minutes to get to class if he didn't want to be late. Which of course, he didn't. Because if he was even a second late, he wouldn't even walk into the class.

He checked his phone again, 1 minute.

Frank got up on shaky legs. He could do this. He could turn up to the lesson. After all he had managed to hide his panic attacks before. It was one of the perks of sitting at the back of the classes, no one really noticed anything.

He rushed to his lesson, accidentally bumping into a wall on the way. In his current state he was surprised he even managed to get up off the bathroom floor. 

He took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair and walked into the class. Barely anyone seemed to notice him but he still felt like all eyes were on him. He sat down at his seat in the back. He had forgotten Gerard was in this class with him. It was likely he would notice his irregular breathing and shaking hands. 

Merely a second after he sat down, Gerard walked into the class and took the seat next to Franks. 

"What's wrong?" He asked almost immediately. Frank cursed himself for not being able to stay calm enough for Gerard not to notice. 

"Nothing, I'm all good," his voice came out slightly shaky but he managed to flash a small smile at his boyfriend for reassurance.

"Really? 'Cause your hands are shaking."

Frank looked at his hands on the table. They were visibly shaking more than before. He went to put them under the table but Gerard grabbed one. Intertwining their fingers. 

"Shh, it's okay," Gerard said and soothingly circled his thumb on Franks hand. Frank let out a sigh and didn't talk for the remaining lesson. 

The rest of the day no one mentioned anything to Frank about his absence. At lunch his friends acted pretty normal. Pete sent him a few worried glances but nothing else was out of the ordinary. Patrick, whom Pete had introduced to the group, now sat with them at lunch. Gerard explained that he had started hanging out with them more about a week ago. 

Frank couldn't shake the feeling that no one really wanted him there. Patrick was a lot nicer and a lot more fun to be around than him. He knew it was stupid to feel this way. Then again he really felt that way. He could recognise it was a slightly irrational thought but to him it held the truth. 

Frank was now in his therapists office. He would be starting medication as of next week. It made him angry that the only thing that could make him happy was a bunch of pills. He wasn't sure if he was completely aboard the idea of taking them. 

He found comfort in the feeling of being at rock bottom. Nothing could make him feel worse. And that made him feel in control. If he were to take the medication it would mean that if something bad were to happen, it would hit him much harder than usual. 

His little bubble of self hate and depression had accompanied him for years. Frank had lost who he truly was. That was another reason he was unsure of the medication. He had no idea who he truly was, maybe this would help him rediscover himself. But how could he be sure it was the real him. Maybe this wouldn't just change his depressed state but also change him into a different person. Someone he struggled to recognise.

Because if there was one thing Frank knew about himself at the moment. It was his depressed self. 

A/N: gUYS I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

I'm working on a new ryden fic. I'm not sure when I'll be publishing it, I'll probably write a couple chapters in advance and then start posting it.

Sorry I suck at regular updates atm.