Living for the fat girl [Book 2]

Part 39

39. Seth

I'm not sure how much time has passed since I was last awake. Minutes, hours, maybe even days. Consciousness is fleeting. No matter how hard I try to get a grasp on it, I just can't seem to hold on to it for longer than a few seconds. I don't know what's happening around me. All I know is that there's a deathly cycle of pain and relief, repeating viciously until I'm left numb.

I am numb now as my eyes open and close again. I prepare myself to fall right back to sleep but something keeps me from drifting off. The lights around me are too bright. Shielding my eyes with my hand, I can feel the tube attached to the back of my hand, digging into my flesh uncomfortably.

A faint memory resurfaces. Flashes of bright light, strange people in green coats and then more pain. I wonder if I'd undergone another surgery or if that is a figment of my imagination. Another memory bursts in front of my eyes and then another. I fill my lungs with as much air as I can and hold it in a couple seconds, feeling my fingertips tingle.

"Seth..." My mother's voice reaches me and I blow out the breath I had been holding in. "Here, drink this."

A cup appears in my field of vision and only then I realize how thirsty I really am. My throat aches with dryness and my tongue feels dead inside my mouth. I eagerly catch the straw in between my lips and start sucking lukewarm water from the cup, not stopping before the slurping sound indicates that the cup is empty.

"More?"

"Wait a couple minutes. You'll get a stomach ache."

Something about her is off. Her voice is too soft and the way she can't seem to physically detach herself from me has my alarm bells going off. My mother has never appreciated physical contact. Hugs and kisses are a waste of time to her. I was an eager kid and all I wanted was my parents' approval, a mother's love. I waited for years until I finally realized that I was waiting for something that neither of my parents is capable of.

This woman sitting by my side now looks sounds and feels nothing like my mother.

"Are you in pain? Do you want me to get the doctor?"

I shake my head before I realize that I'm doing it. Despite feeling like I might just fall back to sleep any minute and despite the deep throbbing at the base of my skull, I'm not oblivious to the fact that my mother's eyes shift ever so slightly at the mention of my doctor.

"You seein' him?" I mutter and my mother stiffens, her grip on my hand getting uncomfortably tight.

"Who?" She croaks out and I can't help but chuckle at the look on her face. I'd rarely ever seen the woman flustered. I don't think I've ever seen her blush.

"Mc. Dreamy out there," I tease, trying out a smile.

"Are you mocking me, Seth?"

There it is - the tone I'm so used to. Cold, measured.

My expression drops from slightly teasing to weary and my mother bristles visibly. She releases my hand from her grasp and brushes a hand through her hair, letting it fall loosely down her shoulders. She sighs deeply and closes her eyes, lowering her head. All her actions contradict each other. Nothing about this woman is familiar.

"What's happening here?" The question is the only thing that forms in my mind and I immediately feel stupid for asking but I need to know.

"I'm sorry..." She mutters. When she looks back up at me, I can see that she means it. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a good mother, Seth. I want to be, I really do."