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thirteen • mocha

☂ thirteen: mocha

His eyes flickered to my lips and he started to slowly lean in. I could feel his soft breath on my face and my heart stirring in my chest. My heart felt one way, but my head felt another. And so, I did the most rational thing I could think of. I coughed. I could've sworn I saw disappointment flicker across his face before he reassumed his collected composure. And it was in that moment that I wondered: did I make the right choice?

"Earth to Kennedy!"

I snapped out of my memories to see Cameron obnoxiously waving his arms in front of me. Behind his frantically waving body, I saw Emily looking at me from her spot across the table. She had a knowing look on her face, as if she knew something had happened between me and Carter. I couldn't keep anything from that girl, even if I wanted to.

Meanwhile, Cameron seemed adamant about waving his arms until I verbally acknowledged him. "I see you, Cam," I told him, asking him to stop.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "But seriously, what's up with you? I haven't seen you this checked out since the whole incident with - ow!" Cameron stopped to rub his shin. "Why'd you kick me?" he yelled at Emily.

"Because you're an idiot, that's why." Emily rolled her eyes. "Look, ignore whatever Cam just said. Don't go back to that time. Besides, I already know that you're checked out because of Carter."

"You don't know that."

"But I do," Emily said, staring me down. "Don't even try to lie to me, Kennedy. What happened?"

I looked down at the table and pushed my frozen yogurt around with my spoon. It had already halfway melted from all the time I spent thinking about last night. What was I supposed to tell them? Oh yeah, the guy that I just became friends with again kind of, sort of likes me and tried to kiss me and I'm really confused? Right now, my thoughts couldn't form coherent sentences. So instead of talking to my friends, I traced the lines on the table with my eyes and sipped my no longer frozen yogurt.

"Fine, don't tell us," Emily said. "But you know we'll find out eventually. Or at least I will." She looked over at Cameron, who was now trying to use his spoon to catapult a piece of cookie dough into his mouth. That boy was actually twelve years old.

"It's not that I don't want to tell you, I just don't really know what to think right now."

"You know what I think? I think that you need to talk to the poor boy instead of avoiding him and your feelings like you always do whenever something happens."

"She's right. You always do this Kennedy, and it needs to stop. Or else the two of you will be spending the next few months playing more mind games. Just talk to him," Cameron chimed in.

I stared at my best friends. They were right. I was avoiding him because I was afraid of hearing what I thought I wanted to hear these past few months. I was afraid of him confessing his feelings that I already knew were there. I was afraid of winning the bet now that I realized it could jeopardize our friendship. And mostly, I was afraid of how I would feel after he told me about his feelings face to face. I was afraid of having to let go of my pride and actually feel.

"You're right," I sighed. "But I'm scared."

"Look," Cameron said, patting my hand. "You can't live the rest of the year scared over something as little as this. You're one of the strongest people I know. Are you really going to keep this act up when we all know it's killing you?"

"Just talk to him." Emily took my other hand. "You'll be fine. Besides, you already know how he feels about you, don't you?"

I did. And that was only part of the problem. I also didn't know how I felt.