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nineteen • shakerato

☂ nineteen: shakerato

So maybe I wasn't good with just being okay. 

I'm not really sure when I came to the realization during these past three weeks, but I definitely did. 

What I should've been focusing on was AP exams and my final weeks of senior year, but instead my mind was wrapped around Carter. It didn't help that we had AP Literature together and had to endure study sessions together. 

My biggest escape from the whole mess was when I was working my shifts at The Brew. He didn't frequent there often anymore because Hayley didn't like coffee very much and he was always with her. Even then though, when I wiped counters or made drinks, I found my mind drifting to the thought of Carter and Hayley happily dating. Yes, their first official date went well and they made sure to go on plenty more. And, as Carter's re-instated friend, I had the luxury of hearing all about how great their dates went. 

Whoop-de-do. 

Don't let Carter telling me all about their dates fool you, though. He always filled me in during fifth period, since it was the only class we had together other than AP Literature. And we both knew there was no way we could talk in front of Mrs. Meyer without getting more detention. 

Other than our hushed conversations in class, however, Carter barely had time to spend with me, Cameron, or Emily anymore because he was always with Hayley. And whenever he hung out with us, Hayley was around too. That was what was bothering me about all this the most - I had definitely been replaced as Carter's best friend.

 I still couldn't believe that he replaced me so easily. Granted, we had a bit of a fall-out, but it felt like Hayley just swooped in and won him over. Meanwhile, I had to go through the entire prank war and his moody self. 

A part of me wished that Hayley was some evil, horrible girl so I could just hate her for taking away one of my best friends. The problem was, though, that Hayley was nothing but kind to all of us, which drove me insane. I couldn't say a bad thing about her, other than the fact that she jacked Carter from me. 

I hated that Carter barely had time for me anymore. I hated Hayley for being so nice. I hated her for spending so much time with Carter. I hated being so bitter over the two of them because Carter seemed to be really happy. But most of all, I hated how all of this made me feel inside.

I knew I had been fighting it for a while now, but I didn't want to accept it. I wouldn't let myself feel vulnerable, yet I slipped up and ended up vulnerable anyways. I had been terrified of letting someone in and refused to allow it, but somehow Carter had found his way in. 

And now, I was terrified of how much I might actually like him.

---

"You're actually the most frustrating person I've ever met, you know that?" Emily told me after I confessed my revelation to her. Crossing my legs together on my bed, I pushed my hair back in frustration as I nodded my head. 

"I know," I admitted. 

"I can't believe it took you this long to finally accept it," Emily said. "I noticed it over a month and a half ago, when I told you to talk to him about it."

"Yeah, yeah I'm an idiot, I know."

"So what now?" 

"Nothing," I said. "Because it's too late now. He's happy with Hayley and I ruined everything by being too stubborn. End of story."

"No," Emily said firmly. "Not end of story." 

"But -"

"No, want to know why it's not end of story? Because you're going to talk to him about it, just like you should've done way back when."