The Rogue Hunter

Chapter Eighteen: Unspoken Worries

●●●●●
Kristine
●●●●●

       I told him so much about my past. Why did I do that? Why can't I ever keep my mouth shut? He didn't need to know any of it, and I didn't want to tell him. At least, I don't think I did. Gah! Axel makes me so confused! I used to know what I wanted, how I was going to get it, how to keep my emotions out of the way. But he comes along and all that seems to go out the window.
       Can he really be my mate?
      Do I want one? No.
       I don't want one. I used too, but I don't deserve one. The Moon Goddess would be insane to make someone be a mate to me. If Axel is mine, then why does he want me? He's an alpha. He could have his pick. A girl with a normal past, a beautiful girl who can shift. Normal. That's what all wolves want. I'm the opposite of that, I'm everything strange. I'm sure parents use me to scare their children into behaving. Who wouldn't?
       'Don't go into the woods... The Rogue Hunter will get you!'
      'The Rogue Hunter goes after bad children, so do your homework.'
       Normal is everything I'm not. I've known that for years. Why is it only now bugging me? I've accepted how I lived the day I killed. I knew revenge was the only life for me. So why did seeing Axel with his little sister make me feel weird? I don't fit into a pack life. Hell, I'm pretty sure I'm not even sane.
       Killing all those people, rogues as they be, would mess with anyone. Yet, I don't feel an ounce of regret. Their faces don't haunt me, I don't even remember them. Normal. A category I don't belong in.
       Once we get a lead, I'll leave. It's better for Axel and myself if I do that. What if one full moon I attack him or Luca, or Joanna? Everyone in his pack is in danger with me around. And that's not mentioning all the enemies I've made. Rogues from everywhere want me dead, the Council wants me dead. One day, some one is going to come and collect.
       Every mated pair wants kids, I'd be a horrible mother. Even without someone coming to take me from them, I would screw them up. What if rogues or the Council killed them for being my kids? 'Oh, she's the Rogue Hunter. Those monsters that came from her will be just like her. Let's kill them before they become a threat.' A mother is something I could never be along with normal. Why am I even thinking these thoughts? I've never thought about these things before...
       It's Axel. He's doing this to me. He's making me weak. I was so sure he wasn't my mate, that I didn't have one. But that's the only explanation for how Axel is easily breaking through to me. My breath hitches. What if they come to kill him? 'He's the Rogue Hunter's mate, obviously something is wrong with him. We should kill him.'
       All of this was so much easier when it was just my life. But Axel.... whatever this is, has me concerned about him. Whoever killed my pack wanted all of us dead. What if they finish me off? Would they kill this pack because Axel knows where I come from? An Alpha can't handle it if their pack is killed. That's why those rogues killed Alpha last. Their deaths were making him crazy. I think Mom was one of the last few sorta clear headed. But she wasn't a wolf, she didn't have the link Dad and the Alphas had. But even without the link, it was taking a toll of her. The pack was family. I feel that missing connection every day.
       I feel Axel's gaze on me and glance up. He's just staring at me, a strange soft look in his eyes. It's not a look of pity, it's something different. Something I can't place, but I know it. I know that I know it from somewhere.
       "What?" I ask, do I have something on my face? It's making me uncomfortable the way he is looking at me. Axel seems to snap out of whatever trance he was in. His cheeks turn red and he moves his head away from his arms. Which were crossed on the desk, he had his chin resting on them.
       "Nothing." Axel mutters. I raise a brow at him.
       "It's just you get really into reading." Axel lies. I look down to see a book in my hand, the pages turned a few since the place I left off. I don't even remember reading those pages, I must have been too deep in my thoughts. I rub my face and close the book. All those thoughts linger at the back of my mind, and the worry from them builds up in my stomach. It seems to have a good grip on my heart as well.
       "I'm hungry." I tell him, noticing that I am, very, hungry. I think this eating so many times a day is starting to mess with me. Once a day was the usual with me. Axel glances at the laptop.
       "Well, it is nine. No wonder you're hungry." Axel stands, stretching. We went for the run around lunch so that means we have just been sitting here for hours. I also stand and stretch, my joints popping and my muscles pulling in a comfortable way. I may be used to crouching in tree, not making a sound, but it's not something I enjoy doing. The actual combat is something I like. The way it makes you work both physically and mentally.
       "We can have dinner then turn in early. I'm tired." Axel says. I nod in agreement. And this whole sleeping so many hours a night is also strange. I don't know how I am rapidly adjusting to it, but I am. In fact, in the last few days, it seems I have become dependent on it. I'm not sure how to feel about it. The adjusting is good, but getting comfortable isn't.
       "Maybe you should take a shower too, you smell like a wet dog." I tell him, attempting a light tone. I guess it worked because Axel smells himself, makes a face, then chuckles. Axel walks out of the room and I follow as usual. I slow down a step and enjoy the moment, the painful tugging at my heart telling me it's wrong to make memories or be happy in a different pack. But I ignore it. Axel may or may not be my mate, but he means something to me. And as soon as that luna calls back, I'm gone. I won't be seeing him again.
       "Anything you want for dinner? There is probably left overs from what Jo, Luca, Jax, and Brek had but I could always whip something up." Axel asks, looking over his shoulder. I shake my head with a shrug as we enter the kitchen.
       "I'm not picky. I'm fine with whatever." I answer. Not like I really have anything to compare the food to. The last couple days here have been the only time I've had home made food. Axel grabs a few containers from the fridge and scoops the food out and puts them on plates. Spaghetti for dinner. Axel warms the plates up and we eat in silence.
       So many 'what ifs' run through my head. What if Axel really is my mate? If the Council kills me, he will most likely go insane. I've seen some rogues that went crazy because of loosing their mate. What if we don't catch my packs killers? Will I be able to move on? I don't think so.... What if I can't be in a pack, let alone help lead it? What if.... What if.... Do the questions never stop? I absently set the plate in the sink and lean against the counter. I really need to leave this place. They are making me weak. If rogues discover my weak point, they'll attack it. It's how rogues win, I know. I do the same things. Whatever it takes.

Word Count: 1,376

Date Published: 12/16/16

Sorry for the update being a day late! Totally blanked on what day yesterday was! Update will be next Thursday as usual (hopefully I don't forget)! Remember to vote and comment!