Thoughts And Short Stories/Scenarios

Entry 5

When was it that you realized you could use me? Was it when we were in elementary? Was it in middle school? Was it the first time I gave you a gift? Was it the first time I offered you something? Was it the day I let you in to my home? Was it the day I gave you my trust? Was it the day I was able to tell you I loved you as a sister?
When my depression got worse and I was ready to end it all is that why you told me to stay? Did you tell me lies and give me false reasons to stay because you still needed to use me? Did you want me to stay so I could get you all that I could until I couldn't anymore? Did you tell me that you loved me because you were using me and had to make me believe that you actually care?
Did you ever actually care? Did you really mean it when you said I was your "ride and die"? Did you really mean it when you would tell me I was the greatest sister and that you loved me? Did you mean it when you said you would always be there?
No you didn't. You used me and made me feel as if I had a family. You made me feel like I was accepted. You made me feel like I meant something. You made me feel like I actually had a purpose. You made me feel like I had someone who would stick by my side. I put my trust in you which was really hard for me to do then.
Now I don't even know who I can trust. I asked someone who I care for emensly if they were using me because of what you did to me. I know the other I care for emensly isn't but I'm scared she will realize she can and use me too. I'm scared to trust anyone because of you. You ruined that for me even though you knew I already had issues with that.
You're the reason I'm blocking myself off even more. You're the reason I'm crying right now. You're the reason that people I was ready to trust whole heartedly are pushed back to basically square one.
They don't deserve that. They deserve to see me in my best times. They don't deserve to hear me complain and cry over you. They don't deserve to be set back like that when they worked hard to get where they were. They don't deserve to see me in such a bad state because of you.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you more. I really am. I wish I had a lot more to give so I wouldn't feel so hurt. I wish I had more to give so you wouldn't of thrown me away. I wish I had more so I wouldn't have been set back again.