Thoughts And Short Stories/Scenarios

Entry 13

         I feel like there are things that keep me from killing myself. If those things were around would I have the guts to do it? I feel like my answer would be yes ,but I also feel like I would pussy out. The more I think about it the worse it gets.
        If I didnt have any of the major responsibilities I have now then I would consider it more. Im not doing anything of significance or to help others so why should I stay alive? If I didnt feel like I should take the responsibility of helping everyone be happy would I end it all? If Im not doing anything to make things better then why should I stay alive?
         If I didn't have people that cared about me then I would probably have killed myself by now. Knowing that me ending my life would cause people to be upset is what prevents me from being completely done. If they'd have never come into my life then I definitely wouldn't have made it this far. I would be six feet under or in an urn by now.
          If I knew 100% that not a single person on this damn earth would care if I was gone then I would have done it. I would have disappeared like I had never even existed in the first place.
          If I didn't have this small sliver of hope that one day someone will be able to love the complex disaster that is me and take me and help me though it all then I wouldn't be here. This small tiny ray of hope that I'm gonna get better and be able to feel happy for once in my life is here. Its dangling by a thin and small piece of thread ,but its there.
        I'm not going anywhere right now because I know I'm needed ,but will I be gone and no longer exist when the benefits of having me around are gone and done?